Jokes page 1
What are you laughing at?
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe
walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about
her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her
the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an jerk.
Why engineers make good husbands
Attention Women! Here are some reasons why you should choose an engineer
for a husband over other professions.
Hazardous professions, such
Three cowboys had wandered into hostile Indian territory and were captured.The
chief told them,"I'm going to torture you each before killing you,and
will use your skin to make a canoe.Now,I've decided to be generous and
will grant you a wish each."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
This here is the Redneck Guide to Computer Lingo.
Log on = Makin the woodstove hotter
A Mercedes limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting
for it to change when a small Mini also drives up. The haughty businessman
in the back of the Benz started bragging to the Mini owner that his was
the best car that money could buy.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer.
Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng went to a KTV lounge for a beer. When the Tiger draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. Ah Meng pushed his draft away in disgust. "Yuk, I cannot drink such a mess!" Ah Seng shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. Ah Beng was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
What the Engineer says:
A number of different approaches are being tried.
We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
Close project coordination
Major technological breathrough
Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
Preliminary operational tests were exesive
Test results were extremely gratifying
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
It is in process.
We'll look into it.
Please read and initial.
Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
Give us your interpretation.
See me, or Let's Discuss
Years of development
Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng who were arrested in during the Japanese occupation time for smuggling. "We'll give you three a fair trial and shoot you tomorrow," said the "Capitan" of the guard. The three spent a restless night.
"But not to worry, friend" said Ah Meng. "I shall invoke
the natural disaster plan. These Japanese are terrified of natural disaster.
Just watch." so at dawn Ah Meng said he would face the firing squad
first and the other two watched from their cell as the captain said "Ready...
Later Ah Seng was led to the stake and the captain said "Ready... Aim..." "Flood! Flood!" roared Ah Seng and in the confusion he escaped too.
Ah Beng had picked the drift of the plot. It was all a matter of timing, so he listened as the captain ordered "Ready... Aim..." "Fire!" yelled Ah Beng.
I get enough exercise from:
jumping to conclusions,
Once, Ah Lian and Ah Huay who went to Westin Stamford for a dinner. It was on the 72nd floor. So they went up and had dinner. When they left, they stepped into the lift (only 2 of them). They scanned through the buttons and found that there was no 1st floor. So they panic. The Ah Huay said to take the stairs but the on her shouted in Hokkien, "You siao issit??" So, the one who didn't want to take the stairs thought of an idea. She pressed the "G" button on the lift and after a while, they found themselves on the 1st floor. So Ah Huay was suprised! She ask the one who pressed it "Wah, you smart one, how u know?? You so clever!!" Ah Lian replied, "Aiyah... so simple u also dunno!! "G" mah..."G" stand for gero loh...".
Phua Chu Kang walked into a bank at World Trade Centre and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Batam on business for two days and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. Ah Kang then handed over the keys to his Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two days later Ah Kang returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a very rich contractor. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
Ah Kang replied: "Aiyah, where else in Singapore can I park my car for 2 days for 15 dollars, huh?"
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
Q: "How many were boys?"
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?">
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood?"
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Due to lawsuits the following warnings are now required:
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With
Sun Shield in Place"
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
Usenet Debate: CD
Conversion for Use In Australia
People who read soc.culture.australian often have to answer a number of questions about our country. These vary from the practical (Will an American video recorder work with an Australian TV? What voltage is used in Australia? What side of the road to Australians drive on?) through to the curious (Does water really go down the plughole in the opposite direction? What does Vegemite taste like?), to the, well, fairly clueless.
Recently we had the following thread.
I am coming to Australia for a 3 year stay. Should I bring my CD's to play on Aussie equipment?
You will need an American to Australian converter device.This is usually hard wired into the CD player by a reputable Australian tech.They are all familiar with the device. Just pop into any CD store and request the phone# of the nearest CD converter tech. It's usually only around $30 and you will not even know it had been done. You will be able to play not only US cds, and Australian, but as a bonus, European ones too!
Caution-do not try to play bootled CDs after the conversion, you will ruin the cd player.
Sorry about that last post-to play your US cds in Australia, they merely need to be passed thru a strong magnetic or x-ray field,such as you get at Customs. Be sure to pass each one thru separately, as bulk passage may leave the ones in the middle unplayable in Oz.
Well...this may gave worked for you, but I found that the only way the get 'em playing was to smear the shiny side with a very thin layer of vegemite. 'Course this makes the inside of your CD player rather sticky, so make sure you have lots of tissues.
Don't listen to them. To play American CDs in Australian CD players, you will need to regroove them. This is because Australian CDs have a different track-width (i.e. 10 ums instead of 5 ums). To do this you will need to buy some fine-grade sandpaper. Try to find some with a grain size of between 8 and 12 ums (micrometers for non-technical people). Put a piece of the sandpaper on a table with the rough side up. Now put your CD on the sandpaper and turn it slowly in a clockwise direction, pushing down hard.
Voila! (spit) - now you have Australian standard CDs.
Good luck and I hope you enjoy Australia.
No. That is completely wrong. Australian CDs are exactly the same as American ones except for the fact that the 'groove' goes in the opposite direction. That is whereas an American groove goes inwards as you go clockwise an Australian groove goes inwards as you go anti-clockwise. This is because Australian cars drive on the left and American cars drive on the right. If the groove direction was not reversed there would be parity problems with car CD players. Unfortunately, this means that you cannot play an American CD on Australian equipment.
You're all a bunch of liars!!!!
Thanks in advance.
Re-your querey on playing CDs in reduced gravity, it is not widely known that on the last Space Shuttle mission it was decided to test the effects of playing a compact disc in zero gravity with disasterous results.
When the disc was played, instead of the disc spinning, the entire vehicle began to spin while the disc remained motionless, turning the entire spacecraft into a giant centrifuge, nearly crushing the astronauts to death before the commander was able to crawl to the machine and press the stop button.
It has been suggested by some at NASA (who have now been dismissed for discussing government secrets) that a compact disc was the cause of the destruction of the Space Shuttle Challenger in 1985. As you may recall, this was the first mission to take a civillian into space. To ease her mind during take-off it was decided to simulate an environment of Earth similar to that of take-off pressure so they decided to play a CD of elevator music to give her the feeling that she was riding up in the lift at her local shopping centre. The craft could not cope with the enormous centrifugal force generated by the spinning disc and broke apart approximately 1 minute after take-off. It was decided to cover up their gross negligence by saying that the o-ring seals in the booster rockets were faulty. All this is absolutely true or my name is not Ronald Reagan.
This is a complete load of crap, and probably a troll. The 'Borealis Effect' (or 'Australis' in the sourthern hemisphere) could in no way overcome the power of the motor in a cd player. Besides, the 'groove' went out in the 60's (70's?). I'm no electrical engineer, but I'm guessing that any backward playing effect is due to the 220v power conversion (which would show up on euro equipment as well) or the reverse polarity down under.
As for the gravity-free environment, who gives a shi*t? I think the astronauts have their hands full anyway, and probably can get good FM reception from any station on earth if they need music to dance by...
Some people are so clueless!
Since the Earth rotates in the opposite direction in the Southern Hemisphere, the AC power there is supplied 180 degrees out of phase with ours. Thus your CD should work just fine, although some audio purists insist on a motor-generator set to supply "American" electricity and then determine the phasing themselves.
At the equator, the cd's stop rotating, so the cd players there must rotate the laser about the stationary cd. The units are very expensive.
By contrast, at the north pole, cd players are very cheap. This is because neither the laser or the cd require a motor to provide rotational energy; the cd is placed precisely on the north pole, tied to the firmament so that it doesn't spin , while the laser is fixed to the earth, slightly off-center, and the earth provides the rotation.
>What about in a reduced gravity environment, like in a free faling elevator?
The cd's are virtually weightless, so they can be very massive and yet consumers will have little difficulty operating them. I hope that answers your question.
I'm glad you brought this up. The variation of the Coriolis force with latitude (zero at equator, max at north pole, min at south pole), gives rise to the so-called beta effect. Basically what happens is that when a clockwise-spinning object, in the northern hemisphere, moves north it speeds up, when it moves south it slows down. I've conducted experiments whilst driving my car here in Boston: if I head north on route 93 at 75 mph with Kylie's "Locomotion" on the CD player, the pitch of her voice goes higher, but you have to be going pretty fast to notice this. Heading west or east this doesn't happen. To the original poster, if you do find you're having trouble with the Coriolis force adversely affecting your US cd's in Australia, try turning the cd player upside-down.
No,no,no...................please dont confuse the Coriols effect with the Doppler effect-the two are quite unrelated, and the Doppler effect is ALMOST unnoticeable, when playing out-of-area CDs, or even records.
The effect was most noticeable on 78's,but that's now academic.
BTW,I am able to offer the conversion at only 75cents (us), if done in bulk. E-mail for quotes.
No if regrooved in the N Hemisphere the must be spun counterclockwise, remember Aussie turntables etc spin the opposite way, ps Marmite works as well as Vegimite.
No, American compact discs will only work if you drive on the right-hand side of the road.
But I wouldn't expect an aol.com user to know these things.
Things That Would Be Different If Microsoft Started to Build Cars
1.A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year - instead of before it.
2.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3.Occasionally your car would just die for no reason and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
3a Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail to restart, and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason you'd just accept this too.
3b But that wouldn't work, so you'd have to take the engine out, do nothing to it, then put it back in again.
4.You could only have one person in the car at a
5.Sun Motor Systems would make a car powered by
6.The oil, petrol, brakes and battery warning lights would be replaced
by a single "General Car Fault" warning lamp.
9.The government would be getting subsidies from car manufacturers instead of giving them.
10.New seats would force everyone to have the same size arse.
This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective
I.There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas
night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population
Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house
hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least
one good child in each.
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing and I am very sorry for my
Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called
the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital
and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was
kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really
a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boy friend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind,
and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit
you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there
was no dormitory fire. I do not have a
Your loving daughter,
An X-Files Christmas
Bethlehem, Pa. 11:51 p.m., December 24th.
"We're too late! It's already been here."
"Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."
"Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care."
"You really think someone's been here?"
"Someone, or something."
"Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake."
"Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."
"It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"
"It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."
"Who? What are you talking about?"
"Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."
"But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?"
"Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on
this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through
"It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained."
"It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."
"But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"
"Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."
"But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and
windows were locked. There's no sign of forced
"Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."
"Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed
on the roof and came down this chimney,
"But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"
"You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"
"Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father."
"I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!"
"I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of
physics. You want me to believe in some
"Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."
"But we have no proof."
"Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys
in the airspace over twenty-seven
"But that was a meteor shower."
"Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished
from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody--not even the zookeeper--was
told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project
Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will
stop spending half
"Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"
"On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter."
"The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on ten percent to begin with, telling the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to twenty percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to fifty and finally one hundred percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising
in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed
by 8:30,the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during
the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday
took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.
A Singaporean crashes his car. He leaps out of the car crying "My
Mercedes, My Mercedes".
If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take
it down or put a reference to it's origin.
But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!
Last Updated: 02.06.05