Jokes page 23 (Aeronautical Jokes)

 

 

Maintenance problems and solutions

These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Writeup: "Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with hammer."
Solution: "Took hammer from little man."


You know you are a freight pilot if...

Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months.
ATC advices you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't care.
When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when they recognize you.
You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where you are on the airport.
Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on "making a meal of it".
Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
Center mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight.
Your D O mysteriously changes your max takeoff weight during the holiday season.
Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO because you just woke up.
You mark every ramp with engine oil.
Everything you own is in your flight bag and suitcase.


This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off.
Student: What should I do? What should I do?
Instructor: What do you think you should do?
Student: Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.
Instructor: That's a good idea.
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off, runway 12.
Student: What should I do? What should I do?
Instructor: What do you think you should do?
Student: Maybe I should tell the tower.
Instructor: That's a good idea.
Student: Cessna 123, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway. (long pause)
Tower: Roger 123, hold your position. Deer on runway 12 cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for departure, runway 12. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

Controller: AirForce five two, it appears that your engine has...
Oh, disregard, I see you've already ejected.


Tower: Cessna 12Q, squawk altitude!
Pilot: Can't! I'm climbing!

Pilot: Good mornig Tower, this is TWA 740, we're twelve miles out for 07 left.
Tower: Good morning. You are eight miles out. Continue.
Pilot: We're twelve miles from the VOR.
Tower: You sure won't put it down by the VOR, would you?
Pilot: You leave that up to us where we put it down.
Tower: Wilco.

Tower: Lufthansa 123, reduce speed and keep it to the Outer Marker.
Pilot: Roger. If you don't mind we keep it until touch-down.


Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I don't seem to be making much progress here.
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very well.


Radar: DFN, turn right and report your heading
Pilot: OK, 340, 341, 342, 344, 345.....

Captain: (after a bad landing:) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one.


Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727 ?

Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL

Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic

ATC: "Cessna 123, are you a Skymaster?"
Pilot: "No, I am just a student pilot."


Pilot: "Dallas approach, Cessna 123, heading W"
ATC: "Roger Cessna 123, left turn heading E, squawk VFR, frequency change approved, good day."


Tower to student pilot: "Cessna 123 cleared to touch and touch and touch and go"


SFO Bay Approach: "Cessna 123, do you have information Hotel?"
Cessna 123: "No thanks approach, we're staying with friends."


ATC: "Cherokee 12345, say altitude."
Pilot: "ALTITUDE."
ATC: "Cherokee 12345, say heading."
Pilot: "HEADING."
ATC: "OK, Cherokee 12345, say Cancel IFR."
Pilot: "Cherokee 12345, level at 5000, heading 020."


Pilot: "XYZ tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
ATC (trying to stay as calm as possible): "Cessna 345, do not panic, say position."
Pilot: "Cessna 345 is at Parking space A6, how can I get in touch with the fuel truck?"


CONTROLLER: "Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign!"
PILOT: "I'm not silly ..."

CONTROLLER: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
PILOT: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345 ..."


TOWER: "You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
PILOT: "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!"


Pilot: "Ground, good morning. XY-Line 123, Information X received, request startup."
Ground: "Good morning, XY-Line 123. Expect startup clearance not earlier than in two hours."
Pilot: "Confirm, two hours delay?"
Ground: "Affirm."
Pilot: "In this case, cancel the 'good morning'..."


Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot: "Roger we'll check the car on the runway."


What's the difference between God and pilots?

God doesn't think he's a pilot.


Any two members of the opposite sex from one another who spent more than two hours in a C-150 are legally married !

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: "Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.

 

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05