Jokes page 22
"Dad", asked little Roy, "do you have any idea why storks lift
one leg when they eat?"
One day, Ah Beng & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw
something in their path.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family.
When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous
to get near to and have horns."
The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Al," she said, "if the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?"
"Thirty-four," Al answered unhesitatingly.
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
Teacher : Use 'income' in a sentence.
Teacher : Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time,
works all day and every day. Then what happens?
Teacher : What is usually used as a conductor of electricity?
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show
you this frog in my pocket."
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working
on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, " Madam, I believe you've
got a hold of my privates."
The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him what brought
him to the hospital. The man replied,
At a recent theological convention, there was a priest, a rabbi and a minister, discussing when life begins... The priest says "life begins at conception" and the rabbi says "no, life begins at birth." The Protestant minister ponders for a long while and finally says..... "life begins when the kids go to college..."
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables
when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found
that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed,"
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water,a vital ingredient in beer."
A catholic priest is about to go on holiday, so he tells his assistant that he will have to take mass on sunday.
"No problem" says the assistant.
The priest tells him that he will have to take confessions as well. This gets the assistant worried because he's never done it before. The priest tells him not to worry, he'll leave a list of sins and punishments in the confessional. The priest goes on holiday and his assistant is taking his first confessions. a young woman goes in to confess and says "forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave my married boss a blow job". The young assistant looks at the list and can't find blowjob. He bursts out of the confessional and sees a choir boy going past.
"Quick, tell me what the old man gives for a blow job" he says, and the choir boy answers "a Kitkat usually"
Two idiots drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX."
So the idiot filled up and asked to play the contest and said " I Guess
The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2" said the idiot. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. Come back soon and try again.
As the two idiots were walking back to the car, one idiot said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the other idiot, "My wife won twice last week."
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
The boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thaught it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"
The suprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
A husband, wife and son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have chocolate." The wife says "I'll have vanilla."
Then the dad slaps his son on the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?"
The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him on the back of the head and call him fat head?"
The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck!
The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my nice big house!
The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along..."
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind.
Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset.
She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
A young man goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to read!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicked back in the recliner reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "The father yells, "Oh, shit! I hope you SHOT that lyin' son-of-a-bitch!!!" "Sure did, Dad!"
A group of couples went on a fishing trip.
By midweek the ladies had noticed that Mildred was getting the most fish.
So the girls ask her how she did it.
she replied, "When I wake up in the morning I look at my husband's 'Peter'. And if it is lying to the left I fish on the left side of the boat. If it hangs to the right I fish on the right side of the boat."
One girl asks," But what if it is standing straight up? Then what do you do?"
Mildred replies," Then we DON'T GO FISHING."
There once were this wife and her husband playing golf. They both hit their balls at the same time. Their balls went off in different directions. When the wife found her ball, it was right in the middle of the buttercups. She hit the ball and destroyed the beautiful flowers. So, Mother Nature came down and said, "Since you have destroyed my buttercups, you will hate the taste of butter for the rest of your life."
She was devastated. Then she called over to her husband, "Where did your ball land?" And he said, "In a pile of pussywillows!"
As he was about to hit it she shouted, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! PLEASE DON'T HIT THE BALL!"
The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts.
"What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
It's Snow -- Roy Snow," he answered, and yours?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen," she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like," he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks
at the little girl for a moment and says,
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken." *
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husbandjust got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the fuck are you?" the man asks
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!" *
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'"
A man and a woman get married and it is the happiest day of their lives. On the night after the wedding, the woman, who is now the man's wife, says "If you ever cheat on me, I will cut off your penis!" The man replies, "I will never cheat on you because I love you too much!"
After ten years of marriage, the wife finds out that her husband has been having an affair for the past three months.
So one day she hears her husband pulling up outside their house, so she gets a knife and goes up to the bedroom and gets in the bed.
The husband comes up and says "I know what you want!" and gets undressed. His wife then pulls out the knife and chops off his balls and penis in one swipe. In a panic because she did not know what to do, so she took the severed penis and got into her car.
She sped through town and onto the highway, where she caught the attention of a patrol car.
They followed her at high speed for three miles, and still panicking, the woman decides to get rid of the evidence, so she throws the penis out of her window.
It then splats on the window of the pursuing patrol car. One of the cops in the car screams out to the other cop, "fuck me! Did you see the size of the dick on that fly!"
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." A the lady was furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn't do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
And the bird replied, "You know."
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, the man starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
Two men were walking their dogs around the local country club and discussing their recent game of golf. The first man's dog was a big German shepard, and the second man's dog was a chihuahua. The first man says, "Let's go into the club and get a drink." The second man says, "but we can't take our dogs into the club, and I don't wanna leave Froo-Froo outside." So the first man says, "Oh, sure we can take our dogs inside, just do as I do, and say what I say."
So, the first man walks into the club and asks the waiter for a place to sit. The waiter says, "Sorry sir, but you can't have your dog in here." The man looks around aimlessly and says, "Not even Seeing-eye dogs?" The waiter immediatly apologizes and gives the man a seat.
The second man watched this whole scene and decided to go for it. He walked in and asked the same waiter for a seat. The waiter says, "I'm sorry sir, but you can't have your dog in here." The second man said, "not even seeing-eye dogs?"
Then the waiter laughed and said, "you gotta be kidding, man, you're telling me that that chihuahua is a seeing-eye dog?!"
The second man thought for a moment, then replied, "They sold me a CHIHUAHUA?!?"
There was a guy who owned a whorehouse and on one particular day all of his women happened to get the flu and had called in sick.
Not wanting to lose any business that day, he thought up a solution and went to the local sex shop to purchase inflatable women. He put one in each room and then dimmed all the lights so no one would notice.
Not long after he opened, a man walked in and ordered six beers and a hooker. The man gave him his six beers and a key to one of the rooms.
The man went upstairs but not long after he returned with what remained of
his beer and sat down to drink it by himself. The bartender, worried, went over
to ask what had happened. The man told his story, "Well sir, I got on her
and was pounding away and she was letting out these tiny little squeaking noises
and everything was
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
New Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90's:
DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories)
TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE ("welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month)
CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine)
BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels)
LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch)
LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
ANOREXIA BARBIE (no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain)
QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right)
BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen)
PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places)
NAVY PILOT BARBIE (comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately)
BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie's a D-cup)
FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaved legs and armpits)
BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken)
BOBBIT BARBIE (with knife, Ken had better watch out)
One day a man went up to a shop assistant and said your hair smells lovely.
The assistant decided to tell this to the manager and said "I've been sexually harassed" the manager wanted to know what happened so she told him that a customer had said to her "Your hair smells lovely." The manager, surprised said " What is wrong with , it is a compliment"
The woman replied by saying "The man who said it is a dwarf!"
If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take
it down or put a reference to it's origin.
But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!
Last Updated: 02.06.05