Jokes page 21

 

A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart. She eagerly did, anticipating more of his enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her legs even farther apart.

She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your balls inside me?"

"No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out."

###

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years!"

God replied, "Shirley? I didn't recognize you!"

###

A truck driver is driving along the freeway, and a sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

###

There were this couple trying to save some money for new clothes. The husband came up with an idea of just how to. The idea was to put a $1 bill in a jar everytime they had sex and they both agreed to it.

So after about 8 months it was time to open jar and to husbands surprise there were 20, 50 and even 100 dollar bills coming out of the Savings jar. The Husband started questioning of what happened here and the wife spills: "Everybody is not cheap like you."

###

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

###

These three men were complaining about how their athritis was very bad. The first man said: "My hand skakes so much that this morning I cut myself while I was shaving".

The second old man said: "That's nothing... I was trimming my hedges and my hand shook so much that I ended up cutting off the petals from the flowers".

The third old man said: "What are you complaining about? I went to piss this morning and the way my hand shakes so much I came three times."

###

Once upon a time, a gay man with a tremendous sex-drive died and went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.

"Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. The gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're just there."

After walking some more, Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter droped his keys and then bent over to pick them up. The guy, having no self control, jumped on him.

Peter by now was fed up and sent the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter went down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something was wrong, it was freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he found the devil lying under a
stack of blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so goddamn cold down here?" Peter asked.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

###

There were three babies in a mother's womb. It was very dark in their. One of the babies said, "When I grow up, I want to become an engineer so I can lighten this place up." The second one said, "I want to become a doctor, so I can help people." The third one was quiet for a while and finally said, "When I grow up, I want to become a boxer."

"A boxer?!?" the other two said.

"Yeah, so I can kick the shit out of that guy who comes in here everyday and spits on us," replied the third one.

###

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?", asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Chrissakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

###

These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get home, my wife is going to kill me."

The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets me do whatever I want."

The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50 feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut the car door easily, open the front door to the house quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit the bed she is up screaming at me."

The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem, let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on the bed, slap my wife on the ass and say hey sweetie, how about a blowjob?"

The second guy pauses for a second and replies," She's sleeping every time."

###

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

###

It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the
washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidently gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does
shit mean?"

The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear."

Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father.

The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey."

The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey..."

###

"BEFORE and AFTER MARRIAGE"

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.<br>
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary..

###

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls the white house, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

###

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

###

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt
stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

###

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

###

#11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

#10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

#9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

#8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.

#7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

#6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

#5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

#4. If you use it too much you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

#3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

#2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE HAVING A PENIS:

#1. If you play with it too much, you can go blind.

###

A blonde decided to try horseback riding, even though she had no prior experience.

She mounted the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde began to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabbed for the horse's mane, but couldn't seem to get a firm grip. She tried to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slid down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leapt away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup and she was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head struck the ground over and over.

As her head was battered against the ground, she was mere moments away from unconsciousness. Then, to her great fortune, the WalMart manager saw her and shut the horse off.

###
What's the difference between premenstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

###

Speaking of new equipment reminds me of the poor fellow who lost his penis in an auto accident. The men of his family were well endowed, and each volunteered to donate one inch. One week after the operation, the doctor found him crying in his hospital room and asked if there was a problem with his handiwork. The man tearfully answered, "It's almost perfect, but why did you put Grandpa's inch in the middle?"

###

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
A: Their balls hang out.

###

A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.

One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample with another patient's, and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has Alzheimer's disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all sorted out."

The man looked scared and said, "That's terrible, doc, what should I do until then?"

"Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house. If she makes it home, don't have sex with her!"

###

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

###

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

###

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

###

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?"

The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

###

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

###

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she said and smiled.

###

How can you tell the difference between a woman in the throes of having PMS and a terrorist?
Terrorists can be negotiated with.

###

How do you tell if a chick's to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.

###

A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to him playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your butts on the friggin' train and sit your butts down because We're leaving."

Johnny's mother stormed into the living room and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you've settled down, you can play with your trains again, as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, Johnny came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped and the Johnny's mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those
of you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under your seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the friggin' bitch in the kitchen."

###

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

###

What do blondes and shrimp have in common?
Their heads are full of mush, but the pink part tastes good.

###

"Did I Say He Wanted To?" - Rated PG

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

###

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

###

Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey lady!" yelled Larry. "Throw me the cat!"

"No!" she cried. "It's too far!"

"I play football, I can catch him!"

The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to the street.

Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one-handed catch. The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth, then spiked the cat into the pavement.

###

How can you tell if you had a really great blow job?
You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.

###

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy Channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

###

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

###

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married.

They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of his towel, climbed the tenmeter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

###

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

###

Three men died and went to heaven. Heaven had a new policy that whatever good or bad things a person did in his or her life, he or she would get a car accordingly.

When the first man arrived, an angel asked him, "How many years were you married?"

The first man responded, "Twenty years."

"How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Five times," the man said.

"Okay," the angel said, "you can go in but you will only get a Fiat."

As the first man drove away in his Fiat, the second man arrived. "How many years were you married, young man?" the angel asked.

"Ten years."

"How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Two times," he responded.

"Well done. Here is your Volvo S40."

As the second man drove away, the third man arrived. He was a very old man. The angel asked him, "How many years were you married, old man?"

"Forty years."

"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Never."

The angel smiled and held out a set of shining keys. "Excellent, Here is your Jaguar 2000."

One day in heaven, the first and second men were driving and they came across the old man, who was crying and really depressed. They went over and asked him why he was very sad even though he had a very nice car. He told them that he just saw his wife and she was on rollerblades.

###

What would happen if the world would rotate 30 timer faster?
Men would get paid every day and women would bleed to death.

###

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

###

A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked into an adult store. "Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.

The owner smiled and responded, "You come as if you have been sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I'm looking for someone to mind this store for me."

"When do I start?" the guy asked.

"Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly." The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.

First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?"

"Forty dollars," he said.

"How much for the black dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

"Give me the . . . uh, black one. I've never had a black one before." She paid and left.

Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the black dildo?" she asked.

"Forty dollars."

"How much for the white dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one. I've never had a white one before." She paid and left.

Then a blonde woman walked in. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?" she asked.

"Forty dollars."

"How much for the black dildo?"

"Forty dollars."

"And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?"

"Two hundred dollars."

"Give me . . . uh, the checkered one. I've never had a checkered one before." She paid and left.

Closing time came around and the owner returned. "How was your first day?"

"Great!" the guy responded. "I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each, and I sold your thermos for two hundred."

###

A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

###

Three bulls were hanging out in the field with their cows. The biggest bull stood proud, gazing over his 75 cows. The next largest watched over his 50, and the young bull sat quietly, glad to have 25.

They noticed a truck pull into the farm with another bull roaring in the back of the truck. The biggest bull said, "No way he's getting any of my 75 cows, I need them all!"

The second bull puffed up and said, "He's not getting any of my 50, that's for sure!"

The young bull said, "It took me six months to get my 25 from you guys, he can't take mine!"

Out of the truck came the biggest, meanest, most ornery looking bull any of them had ever seen. The biggest bull said, "Well I guess he could have 25 of my cows."

The second bull agreed. "Yeah, he can have 25 of mine, no problem."

They looked over at the young bull, who was snorting, huffing, and kicking up dirt. The biggest bull said, "What the heck do you think you're doing?"

The raging little bull said, "I'm making damn sure he knows I'm a bull!"

###

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

###

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

###

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

###

A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids."

The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.

"Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.

"Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"

###

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

###

A special Swimming tournament that is about to take place. For the tournament, the participants include a guy without arms, one without legs, one with just a torso, and... just a head. Starting pistol goes off, everyone goes forward, but the head sinks right away.

After the event, reporters ask: What did you count on?

"Well, see," the head says, "I've spent seven years in training to use my ears... but those idiots put a swimming cap on them."

###

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

###

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of
sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

###

Three blond girls are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across. The first girl prays to God to make her smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns her into a brown-haired woman and he swims across.
The second one prays to God to make her even smarter, so God turns her into a dark-haired woman and she builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third girl prays to God to make her the smartest of all, so God turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.

###

THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!"and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this ash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"The old lady challenged, "So, would
you like to take my bet? "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square! The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure
that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."


###

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

10. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

15. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc...in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none...
Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

###

You can be sure someone is an idiot when :

~ spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

~ puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.

~ gets stabbed in a shoot-out.

~ sends a fax with a stamp on it.

~ was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!"

~ tries to drown a fish.

~ If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.

~ thinks socialism means partying.

~ trips over a cordless phone.

~ takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

~ At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he put Sagittarius."

~ takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

~ studies for a blood test and fails.

~ invents a solar powered flashlight.

~ sells the car for gas money.

~ heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.

~ misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.

~ takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left", he turned around and went home.

~ got locked in Furniture Shop and slept on the floor.

###

This little 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!" says the mom.
Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. he's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"All right! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest,
shiniest bike in the whole town.
"You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

###

When Mahathir completed more than a decade and a half at the helm of Malaysia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released, and Mahathir was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious.

He called the Chief of Police, Datuk Zaman Khan, and ordered him to investigate the matter. Zaman checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Mahathir.

He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side."

###

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

###

There is this just married Chinese couple decided to make love on the wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
While the husband is out, a Bahyi (Singh) thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabs the Bayi and happily screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep also immediate.
At the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sell condom and then he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asks him which quality does he want. "The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband bought the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. When he reach the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumps onto his wife and started making love. The wife was surprised that the husband was still energetic but she enjoyed the session. A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grows up, he ask the father "Pa, why am I black and you are white????"
The father scolded " You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more and you will become PURPLE COLOUR!!??"

###

Three men were sentenced to die - an American, a Russian and an Irish.
They were given the opportunity to choose their mode of death. The American chose the electric chair (as it was popular with Americans)and received the shock of his life (literally speaking).
The Russian chose to die through a game of Russian Roulette. He received a bullet through his head (he was the participant to start off the game, with six bullets in the revolver...).
The Irish chose to die of AIDS. A doctor was thus brought in and he was injected with the HIV virus. After receiving the injection, the Irish started to laugh. The doctor and the executioner were very surprised and
inquired the Irishman of his strange behavior. The Irishman triumphantly
declared, "I've tricked you guys. I'm wearing a condom."

###

Once upon a time, Dr. Frankenstein was working in his laboratory when he realized that he had run out of brains. He asked his assistant, Igor, to go out and get him some. So Igor went to the local body parts store and asked if they had any brains. The man behind the counter said that they had brains, but which type did he want?
Igor asked what did they cost? The sales person replied that the brains from Massachusetts were $4 a pound, the ones from New Hampshire were $5 a pound and the ones from Maine were $100 a pound. Igor replied, " $100 a pound !! Why so expensive ?" The clerk responded," Do you know how many people from Maine we have to slay to get a pound of brains?"

###

The three stages of a man :

Tri-weekly
Try-weekly
Try-weakly

###

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
Answer : A-flat minor (A flat miner)

 

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05