Jokes page 20

 

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

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One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?!? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

###

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with he farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

###

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."

Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"

###

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

###

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

###

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, "Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?"

"Done," said the genie and disappeared.

Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly
returned to where he'd met the genie.

"Problem?" inquired the genie.

"Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?"

"And what might that be?" asked the genie.

"Could you make my legs longer?"

###

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

###

"Did you hear about the blonde who... "

...had more on her body than on her mind?

...was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?

...took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

...got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

...was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?

...had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?

...thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?

...was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?

...after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

...went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

...brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

...thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?

...thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass?

...thought that intercourse was a state highway?

###

Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs, and get talkin' about them.

First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker." The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.

Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.

Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot.

"Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."

###

There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession.

Then one day, Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment. When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and game Timmy the injection that would start the process.

Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, across the street and was hit by a truck and killed.

And of course the moral of our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead.

###

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.

So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.

He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house.
Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."

They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.)

Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.

He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister.....tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun.....still not a word, though.

Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

###

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."

###

A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradoan, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high
in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Texan finished drinking his Margarita, and threw HIS glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were they all are rich from oil, but they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Coloradoan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Colorado they had so many Texans
and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

###

The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and snuck him on to the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.

"Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.

"Are you sure you're all right, sir?"

"Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK."

"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"

###

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order. One day the druggist felt he had to say
something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

###

"If Microsoft was in Georgia"

How things would be different if Microsoft were headquartered in Georgia:

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"

4. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos

5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse

6. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achey-Breaky Heart

7. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"

8. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

9. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"

10. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse

11. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard

12. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator

13. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

###

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

###

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.

"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

###

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon
talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

###

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

###

A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:

Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:

"Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"

###

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

###

A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.

"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in
robes and glowing with a mask of god.

"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.

After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

###

A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the Polak, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

###

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as
the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya!"

###

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

###

Little Johnny came home from school when his dad said "Johnny its time for me to tell you about the birds and the bees."

Little Johnny said "Dad, save your breath I've been around the block a few times and experimented."

Dad replies "Well let's see just how many times you've been around the block by taking a walk around it. Everytime we meet a girl that you've fucked snap your fingers, everytime I see one that I've fucked I'll snap mine. If you snap more times then me you get a new mercedes."

Little Johnny says "Ok, Dad lets go."

So they start out and they come up to Elizabeth:
Little Johnny : Hey Lizzy wassup? (snap)
Dad : Yeah Elizabeth, how have you been? (snap)

Then they come up to Sarah:
Little Johnny : Hi Sarah.(snap)
Dad : Hey Sarah.(snap)

They walk around the whole block going snap for snap so Little Johnny's dad comes up with an idea and goes home. There his wife has just gotten home.

Dad : Hey honey how was your day? (snap)
Little Johnny : Hey mom.(snap) Where's sis,(snap) at Grandma's house?(snap)

###

Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat on the bed beside him he said, "You know what? You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to comfort me. When I went bankrupt and lost my business, you stood by me. When I got shot by a burglar, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there to support me. Even though my health started failing, you were still by my side..."

"Now that I think about it, it sure looks to me like you bring me bad luck."

###

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

###

Seminars For Men (Given by Females)

1. Combating Stupidity

2. You, too, can do housework

3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00a.m.

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")

8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception

9. Get a life -- learn to cook

10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong

11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You -- The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake after sex

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try

19. The morning dilemma if "it's" awake -- Take a shower

20. I'll wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly, "No, it's not a bidet")

22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms

23. Give me a break! -- Why we know your excuses are bullshit

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism -- Ideas other than sex

27. Helpful hints for couch potatoes

28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too

29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home

30. You, too, can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly, "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!")

32. Changing your underwear -- It really works

33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "tits" from your vocabulary

34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary

35. Techniques for calling home

###

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that
baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village.
That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

###

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

###

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance.

Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"

Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."

Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."

###

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

###

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

###

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

###

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

###

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what yo said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

###

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

###

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!' "

###

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"

The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

###

A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!"

But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother."

###

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

###

More Reasons Why Sheep are Better than Women

A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.

A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom.

A sheep will never sue you for alimony.

A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.

A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.

A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.

A sheep won't use your razor to shave it's legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.

A sheep never has a headache.

A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.

A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.

A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.

Sheep grow their own fur coats.

A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football.

Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.

A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.

Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.

A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.

A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.

A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.

A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.

Sheep are "ram tough."

A sheep won't think you're cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear Levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth.

Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.

Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning.

Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck.

A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.

###

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name "Marylou" written on it", she said furiously. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey", the man replied. "Remember last week when I went to the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up behind him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he asked while running the back of his head.

"Your dog called last night."

###

A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.

"Quick!" she said to the man, "It's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!"

"Where's the back door?", the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.

"There isn't one", she replied.

"Where would you like one?" he asked.

###

Well, folks, it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05