Jokes page 18

 

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side onan airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said:

"So, where y'all from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where y'all from, bitch?"

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A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,

"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely! *

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This blond gets pulled over by a cop. The cop comes up to the window. "Can I see your drivers license?" says the cop. "We'll, what's that?" asks the blond. "It's something saying your old enough to drive." says
the cop. "Oh, I have one of those." He takes it back and checks it out and comes back. "Do you have your proof of insurance?" asks the cop. "We'll, what's that?" asks the blond. "It's proof that you own this car and are insured." Oh, yeah, I have one of those." She hands him the insurance and the cop walks back to the car and checks it out. On his way back he thinks to himself 'wow, this blond is really dumb, I bet I can get her to do anything.'So he goes back, pulls down his zipper and whips out his dick. The blond responds "What is this, another breathalyzer test?"

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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing
there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

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Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

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A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man enters, and he is absolutely perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

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A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read...

'MAIN ENTRANCE'

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Smile....it's the 2nd best thing you can do with your lips.

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One day a blonde was starting her car, and it was snowing heavily. There was snow all over the roads. She remembered her dad had told her to wait around for a snowplow and follow it on snowy mornings. So she did just that. She followed a plow all over town.

Finally, the driver got out and asked the blonde if everything was all right. She said, "Yes," and told him what her daddy had told her to do.

The driver said, "Well, I just finished the WalMart parking lot, now you can follow me to K-mart."

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It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?' "

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?' "

Again there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher said, "Who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"

Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by. Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack, and died.

The wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

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How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

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Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbor came out of her apartment towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning.

This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact. She said she heard someone coming and that they should go to her apartment.

They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. "What do you think my best feature is?"

Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said, "Your ears."

"What do you mean my ears? Look at me. I have perfect breasts, a nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say ears?"

"Well," said Bob, "in the hall, you said you heard someone coming? That was me!"

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A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

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A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to breed, with no success. Every morning, he'd run outside to the barn and perform a pregnancy test on the female pigs. Everyday, the results were negative. The farmer was baffled.

One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice. The farmer explained that he couldn't get his pigs to mate. The vet replied, "Try artificial insemination."

"What's that?" the farmer asked.

The veterinarian said, "It just means if you can't get your pigs to mate, you'll have to do it for them."

So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back of his pickup and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped, and one by one he shagged each of the pigs.

Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them were pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and shagged them really good.

After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave up. One morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to find that the pigs were all missing! He ran back inside the house and shouted, "Wife! The pigs are gone!"

His wife replied, "Honey you're not going to believe this, but all of your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them is honking the horn."

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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman entered. The man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly said, "Paint my house."

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On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered. "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man hobbling along with a cane. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's find out if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, but they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought-iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

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A young Bloke had been seriously dating three lovely girls, and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new playstation games and golf equipment, a new stereo VCR and a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The luck young man was very impressed by all of their responses. And, after giving long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.

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If Only ......
Women's University Courses
The Women's Movement was stunned this morning when Higher Education
Authorities announced a new university course available this term....
Bachelor of Arts (Women's Studies) will be available over three years
(full-time) with 10 subject to be studied each year.
It includes the following subjects (NO electives allowed) -
1: Silence, the Final Frontier: Where no woman has ever gone before
2: The Undiscovered Side of Banking: making deposits
3: Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: you don't need new shoes everyday
4: Parties: going without new outfits
5: Man Management I: discover how those jobs CAN wait until after the match
6: Man Management II: lawnmowers need petrol like men need beer
7: Man Management lII: how to share your man with his shed
8: Bathroom Etiquette I: Men need space in the cabinet too
9: Bathroom Etiquette II: His razor is his
10: Communication Skills I: tears, the last resort, not the first
11: Communication Skills II: Thinking before speaking
12: Communication Skills III: Getting what you want - without nagging
13: Driving a Car Safely: a skill you CAN master
14: Introduction to Parking
15: Advanced Parking: reversing into a space
16: Cooking I: bringing back bacon, eggs and butter
17: Cooking II: Bran, sprouts and tofu are not for human consumption
18: Cooking III: how NOT on inflict your diets on other people
19: PMS: your problem, not his
20: Dancing: why men don't like it
21: Sex: its for married couples too
22: Household Dust: a harmless natural occurrence which only women notice
23: Integrated Laundry: it IS OK to wash it all at once
24: Oil and Petrol: why your car needs BOTH
25: Toilette Etiquette I: learning to use public toilets
26: Toilet Etiquette II: how to go to the toilet alone
27: Do These Jeans Make My Bum Look Big ?: why men lie
28: TV Remote Controls: for men only
29: Sexy Lingerie: not just for special occasions
30: Classic Clothing: how to wear outfits more than once

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"Twenty Responses to Use With Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and
you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

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The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents.
One of them leaned over and whispered in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities.

The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around.

The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, "Mr. President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch."

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One day mom was cleaning junior's room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

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An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of the sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir."

The husband, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee I'll withdraw my penis and the bee should follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it!"

So the doctor covered the tip of his penis with honey and inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

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Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

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A 64-year-old accountant left a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read, "Dear wife, I am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, "Dear husband, I too am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. Being an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 64 many more times than 64 goes into 18."

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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say, "fuck"?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, "BINGO"!

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Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his penis?
He's down to about three butts a day!

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How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

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Ask your mom.

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This blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

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How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, its a hardware problem!

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What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

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Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

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Mr. Brown, a racist Australian was going on a tour and about to board the tour bus. He goes around socializing. "Hi, I'm Brown, spelt 'B R O W N'.
I'm white from the top of my head to my toes; and I hate Chinese,they're pigs!"

He goes around telling everybody the same thing. As he boarded the bus and sat down, he didn't realize he was seated beside a Chinese man.
He turned and the same offensive introduction came from his mouth. The Chinese man reply "Hi, I'm Ching. I am yellow from the top of my head to my toes except my ASSHOLE which is brown, spelt 'B R O W N'"

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Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.
However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room.
The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.
The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time..
Getting frustrated with the situation she says: "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!", and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back:
"Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

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The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied,

"Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said,"She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I hollar back, 'Fuck You too.'"

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This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls for stud.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off.

A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year. The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen. This wonder reproduced 120 times last year. Again the wife bugs her husband.
"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison...

The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year! The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!"

###

St. Peter is tired of standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven, so he notices Jesus walking by and asks him to watch the front desk for a bit. Jesus says he'd be happy to.
Soon, an old man comes up to the desk very slowly. Jesus takes out the usual form/questionnaire and starts getting the information...
"I'm looking for my son." the old man says.
"And who are you?" says Jesus.
"I'm his Father; well ... not really." says the man.
"Where are you from?"
The old man says he was from the Mediterranean Sea area.
"What did you do in life?"
"I was a carpenter," he replies.
Jesus smiles because this is a profession he can relate to.
"Did you have many children?" he asks kindly.
The old man says, "No, just one son, and he was unlike any other child on earth."
Jesus looks closely at the old man and asks, "Did anything unusual occur the night he came to you?"
"Oh yes," the old man says, "There was this incredibly brilliant star in the sky that lit up all the heavens."
"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.
"He does!" shouts the man.
Jesus puts down the form and holds out his hands, "Father!"
The old man looks at Jesus with a mixture of joy and confusion on his face and says, "Pinocchio??"

###

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct. 1995. Reprinted in the Memorial University campus newspaper.

Americans: Please diverts your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW !

Canadians: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE. Your call.

###

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the

Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to Heaven...

###

This chap dies and starts to ascend jacob's ladder along the way he meets an unattractive woman who tells him -
screw me or climb the ladder to success he decides that the long ascent is more worth it and proceeds to climb
a little way up he meets progressively more attractive females to be told the same thing, but decides to try his luck till he meets a really gorgeous babe who attracts him finally he meets a really gorgeous woman who tells him - this is your last chance - screw me or climb the ladder to success since he's almost at the top he decides he may as well ascend the ladder to the top as he goes on climbing, he meets a fat, bald, hairy and smelly man who are you? he asks i'm cess - the man smiles..............

###

One Cantonese speaking family has just employed a new maid who can only speaks English.

The mother has problems teaching the new maid how to talk to the baby into taking milk from the bottle because the maid couldn't speak a single Cantonese dialect.

The father pondered for quite a while, called the maid over and instructed her to keep saying "5 5 6 9 9 ... 5 5 6 9 9" whenever she wants to feed the baby from the bottle.

Puzzled, the maid followed his instructions and hey presto! the baby finished the milk each time. Well, curiosity got the better of her, so she couldn't help asking the father ...

The father nonchalantly replied, "5 5 6 9 9 in our dialect is 'fai fai sek nai nai' which, literally translated is 'hurry up and finish the milk'

###

A Taiwanese man with very poor, practically no, English knowledge once visited the US. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping.

At the Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true intention of coming to the US:-

First he was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?"
Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must >have asked him for his family name. So he replied: "Wa Sing Teng."
(in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng).
The officer heard of "Washington!"(same sound) so passed him of the first question.

Second question was:"What do u come to the US for?"
This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he wud be asked of his first name. So he replied:"Xiao Ping." The officer heard of:"Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question.

"What car do u drive back home?" The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed:"Wa Bo Bo."(in Hokkien meaning I have no wife).
And the officer heard of:"Volvo!" So smiled with compliment and asked again.

The fourth question was:"Who is the most popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Taiwanese friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted:"Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan."(meaning: Don't let me here wait).
The officer heard of: "Michael Jordon!"
With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harrassment.

###

There was a world-wide conference of housewives, and they were all discussing the problems that they had getting their husbands to do anything around the house. They all agreed to go home, slam their fist on the table, express their displeasure and tell them that things had to change.

At the follow-up conference the next year, they all shared their stories. First, an American woman stood up and said "I went home and slammed my fist on the table. I told him that I could not take it any more and that things would have to change and that he would have to do more around the house". There was applause. She then went on "For the first day, I didn't see any difference. On the second day, I still didn't see anything. Then on the third day, he called up before he came home and did some shopping for me. On the fourth day, he helped me with the kids. It really has made a difference."

Then a German woman stood up. She said "I also went home and slammed my fist on the table and told him that I could not take it any more and that things had to change. On the first day, I didn't see anything. On the second day, still nothing. On the third day, still nothing. Then on the fourth day, he brought home some things from the store, and on the fifth day, he helped clean around the house.
Overall, it has made a big difference". And there was more applause.

Then an Italian woman stood up. She said ""I also went home and slammed my fist on the table and told him that I could not take it any more and that things had to change. On the first day, I didn't see anything. On the second day, still can't see anything. On the third day, still nothing. On the fourth day, still can't see
anything. Then, on the fifth day, I was able to open one eye a little bit...."

###

A story is told that Leonardo da Vinci painted "The Lord's Supper"
when living in Milan. Before he could paint the thirteen figures, it was necessary to find men who could serve as models. Each model had to have a face that expressed da Vinci's vision of the particular man he would represent. Needless to say, this proved to be a tedious task -- to find just the right face.

One Sunday, as da Vinci was at the cathedral for mass, he saw a young man in the choir who looked like da Vinci's idea of how Jesus must have looked. He had the features of love, tenderness, caring, innocence,
compassion, and kindness. Arrangements were made for the young man, Pietri Bandinelli, to sit as the model for the Lord.
Years went by, and the painting was still not complete. Da Vinci could not find just the right face for Judas. He was looking for a man whose face was streaked with despair, wickedness, greed and sin.
Ten years after starting the picture, he found a man in prison whose face wore all the qualities of Judas for which he had been searching.
Consent was given for the prisoner to pose, and he sat as the model for Judas. Leonardo worked feverishly for days. But as the work went on, he noticed certain changes taking place in the prisoner.
His face seemed filled with tension, and his bloodshot eyes were filled with horror as he gaped at the likeness of himself painted on the canvas.

One day, Leonardo sensed the man's uneasiness so greatly that he stopped painting and asked, "What seems to trouble you so much?" The man buried his face in his hands and was convulsed with sobs. After a long time, he raised his head and inquired, "Don't you remember me?
Years ago I was your model for the Lord, Jesus."
This miserable man had turned his back on Christ and turned his life over to sin and the world sucked him down to its lowest levels of degradation. He no longer loved the things he had loved before. And those things that he at one time hated and despised, now he loved.
Where once there was love, now there was misery and hate; where once there was hope, now there was despair; where once there was light, now there was darkness.
And you, have you looked at your face lately?

###

The World Council of Religions decided to form a subcommittee to decide on the thorny issue of how to divide the congregation offerings between the temple and the priest. Money collected must be spent both on the upkeep of the temple and the needs of the priest, but how to decide how much should go to each?

The subcommittee consisted of an Catholic priest, a Hindu priest and a Jewish rabbi. The chairman of the committee decided that they should first hear what they each presently did to solve this question.

The Catholic priest said, "I draw a line on the ground and throw all the money up in the air. What falls on the right side of the line is God's, what falls on the left side is mine."

The Hindu priest said, "I had some respect for yourself and your religion, but now I find that you treat God as an equal, instead of subordinating yourself to Him. What I do, is draw a large circle on the ground and sit in the middle of it. I throw all the money up in the air. What falls inside the finite circle is mine, what falls in the infinity outside the circle is God's."

The Jewish rabbi said, "I am shocked and surprised at both of you. You draw lines and circles and define by yourselves what you will receive as your share. You have no faith in God's generosity. What I do, is throw all the money up in the air to God. He keeps what he wants, and what falls back down is mine!"

###

Love-making recipe

Ingredients:
2 laughing eyes
2 loving arms
2 well shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
2 nuts
1 large banana

Method :
look into laughing eyes
fold in loving arms
spread well shaped legs
squeeze & massage milk containers very gentle until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased
check frequently with middle finger
add banana
work in and out until creamed
cover with nuts
sigh with relief
cake is done when banana becomes soft




NOTE: be sure to wash mixing utensils & don't lick the bowl



WARNING: if cake rises, leave town IMMEDIATELY.

###

Lee Kuan Yew and Goh Chok Tong were among the world leaders in Hong Kong for the handover ceremony and were at a tea party at the governor's mansion. As can be expected of such a grand event, the dignitaries were served with the finest silverware and the rarest of antique porcelain crockery.
Goh Chok Tong looked at the exquisite teacup and saucer and decided that he would keep the saucer as a souvenir of the occasion.
When he thought nobody was watching, he nonchalantly slipped the saucer into his coat pocket.
Lee Kuan Yew, who was on the other side of the room, saw Goh Chok Tong and his hijacking of the antique saucer. He was fuming. How dare Goh Chok Tong do that! What will happen if somebody else had seen him? It
would be most humiliating if he was stopped and searched!
However, nothing happened and Goh Chok Tong was able to mingle with the crowd again. This started Lee Kuan Yew thinking. Anything Goh Chok Tong can do, I can do better. Besides, the antique saucer was very nice and he wanted one as a souvenir too. So how could he just stand idly by and not do anything.
Lee Kuan Yew decided that he would out-do Goh Chok Tong. He was going to souvenir both the cup and the saucer. When he thought that nobody was looking, he quietly slipped the saucer into his coat pocket.Then just as he was about to slip the cup in, Jiang Zemin walked up to him and angrily wagged his finger at Lee Kuan Yew.
Jiang Zemin was furious! How dare you steal our country's treasures?
Who do you think you are? Soon a crowd gathered. Goh Chok Tong on noticing the commotion also walked over to see what was happening. Lee Kuan Yew was very cool. He was laughing. President Jiang, he said. I'm glad you saw what happened. I was merely performing a magic trick for you and your honoured guests.
You see, the trick is like this. I put the saucer into my coat pocket.
But the saucer will appear out from Goh Chok Tong's coat pocket. Isn't that right, Goh Chok Tong?
Goh Chok Tong sheepishly pulled the saucer out of his coat pocket to the applause of the crowd. Gone was his souvenir. The canny Lee Kuan Yew had outsmarted him again.

###

FOLLOW IMPLICITLY THE INSTRUCTIONS BELOW.
SOMEBODY IS WATCHING YOU!
DON'T CHEAT, BECAUSE IF YOU DO, IT WON'T WORK.
DRAW THE PIG FIRST AND JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS.
IT WON'T TAKE BUT A MINUTE. HAVE FUN.

THIS IS QUITE INTERESTING!
YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE.
NO CHEATING, NOW.
YOU WILL FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING IF YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE FIRST!

On a blank piece of paper draw a pig.
Then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!!
Draw your pig first!
And don't look at the next part until you are done!
It won't be fun if you look first.
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YOU'RE CHEATING! DRAW THE DAMN PIG FIRST!!!
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The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer. If the pig is drawn:

- Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
- Toward the middle, you are a realist.
- Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.
- Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.)
- Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.
- Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.
- Facing rear. Hmmm, when did you last visit a psychologist??
- With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
- With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker.
- With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.
- With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.
- The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.
- The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!!
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OK, who didn't draw a tail?

###

The newlyweds left the sex therapists office determined to develop more effective body language.
"OK," the husband said, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Fine, his bride replied, "but what about me?" "When you want sex, rub my Johnson once. When you don't want sex, rub my Johnson five hundred times."

###

A Canadian and an American were arguing about which nationality had the most virile men. They compared organ lengths and endurance along with a bunch of statistics. Another man overheard the conversation and suggested that the only way to settle the argument would be to collect some female volunteers and have each man satisfy as many as they could in one night, keeping score like honest gentlemen.
They agreed and rounded up some volunteers and booked a couple of hotel rooms for the night.

The American started working with one woman and when he was finishd he put a tick mark on a piece of paper ( | ). The next woman took a little longer, and when he finished he placed a second tick mark on the paper ( || ). The third woman took him forever and when he was finally finished and exhausted he put a third tick mark on the paper ( ||| ) and fell asleep.


He was awoken the next morning by the Canadian who found the paper.

"This is your SCORE!" he exclaimed. The American proudly said that it was. The Canadian then sheepishly said "I must admidt that you beat me by two.

"BY TWO!!!!" exclaimed the American

"Yeah. It must be my advancing age or something, because last night I only managed to get 109."

###

Beatle's Song - Yesterday

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05