Jokes page 17

 

"LEARNING CHINESE"

That's not right: Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man: Dum Gai

Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here: Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone: No Pah King

You are not very bright: Yu So Dum

I got this for free: Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao?

Stay out of sight: Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu

###

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

###

A man came out of a circus tent and he was SOAKING wet...Second man met him and asked what happened. He replied: Well - - I have an elephant act and my elephant's name is "Nuts".

The act was going fine. I said "Sit down Nuts" and Nuts sat down. I said "Roll over Nuts" and Nuts rolled over. I said "Stand on your hind legs Nuts" and Nuts stood on his back legs. And then some durn fool in the audience yelled "PEANUTS".

###

When Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.

CONCLUSION : =

The higher up you are in management, = the smaller your balls are.

###

"Five Kinds of Sex"

The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

###

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.


A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

###

A gay guy walks into a barber shop.

He says to the barber. "Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?"

The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real thick..."

That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest..he says, "What the hell is this?"

The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my chest hair would grow..."

His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass."

###

There was a couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband had put on his bedlamp to read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling
with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh!", he exclaimed, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

###

Just some tips on how to impress ......

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, download pornography from the Internet, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get
caught
- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

###

This happen in Normanton Park Apartment. This apartment was famous once as it was solely for Army Officers.

There was this young punk who went to visit his brother who was a newly commisioned 2nd Lieutenant staying at this Apartment.
Apparently, this young punk was going out on date and he wanted to borrow his brother's new BMW.

Having a good time with his date, he came back to the apartments to return the car to the brother. However, he found that the car was dirty and the tyres were a bit muddy. So he wanted to clean them. Just then he saw an old Indian man washing a old Lancer in the carpark.
So he appraoched the Indian man and said

Punk: Hey Annan "can wash my car oh not. I pay you"

Indian Man: Looked at him but did not acknowledge him.

Punk : (Not happy) Hey Annan, You know who I am , I Lieutenant Tan's Bra...der knows. Wash my car Ok.

Indian Man : Looked at him again and said " Please tell your Lieutant brother that Colonel Arumugam does not wash cars.

Punk : Ah .... What !

###

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now" he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me Sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes Sir I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are private parties and clients entertaining in here".
The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.

"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid cunt?"

"Ah" says the manager "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper".

"Too fucking right" the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.

The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard.
"That's superb" gasps the manager, What is it called?"

"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end" replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a bit perplexed. The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Absolutely magnificent" cries the manager, "What is that called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer" replies the bloke.
The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic" crooned he manager, "What is that one called?"
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece" replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts. The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl which the bloke retrieves and discovers it is a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift one off the wrist but as he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?"

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers, dribbling jissum all over your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it !!"

###

A beautiful young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children you know." Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off the bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children you know." Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa..., Please... Stay."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

###

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

###

It is often disputed where the best businessmen come from. Some say the best businessmen are the Jews, some say businessmen from Pakistan and some say it's the Chinese. Well, the following story should give you a clue to the true answer.
Three businessmen were sitting on a park bench. One was an Pakistani, the other a Jew, and the third a Chinese. A fly landed on the arm of the Pakistani businessman. He swatted the fly, killed it, and then to the astonishment of the other two, he ate it. A minute later, a fly landed on the arm of the Jew. He swatted it, killed it, and then flicked it off his arm. The Chinese businessman then got up from his seat, picked the fly of the ground, showed it to the Pakistani, and asked, "You want to buy fly?".

###

One day, God sent three presidents, Clinton, Ghandi and Mahatir to Heaven by mistake. So he told them, "I've sent the three of you here too early. You aren't supposed to die yet.
Therefore, I'm going to send you back down and before that, you can ask me a question that you want to know about."
So, Clinton asked "When is America going to become big and busy and rich?"
God answered,"Another 50 years." Clinton wept and threw a tantrum.
God asked him his reason for his behaviour and Clinton said, "I'm afraid I don't have that long a life to see that."
Next, Ghandi asked,"When is India going to be big and busy and rich?"
God answered,"Another 100 years. Ghandi reacted as Clinton did and gave the same reason for acting that way.
Lastly, Mahatir asked, "When is Malaysia going to be big and busy and rich?" This time, God wept.

###

3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!
They started to run like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the British got shot down. Before he went down, he gave a patriotic shout, "Long live the queen" and died.
At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, "Banzai" and died.
Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m .... ... Bang! He, too, was shot down. Before he died, he shouted "KAYU LAH!!" One meter also no discount!"

###

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters'; they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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A man was worried about his big-size body. 'How often should I have food, doctor?' he asked. 'Infrequently,' said the doctor. 'Is that one word or two?' asked the man.

###

An English farmer was showing an Australian sheep farmer round his farm. they traveled in his Land Rover and the journey round the five hundred acres or so took almost half an hour. When they got back to the farmhouse the Englishman asked the Australian what he thought about the farm. 'Well, back in Australia, I can get in my car and it will take me one full day to go round my estate.' said proudly. 'Yes, I sympathize,' said the Englishman. 'I once had a car like that'.

###

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey-Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

###

60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old, and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom.
Upon entering the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I'm 40 years old now and I'm ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head. The next day, the mother came home and found her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other watching the football game on TV. "What on Earth are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law!!"

###

At a dinner party several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so," responded the lady, "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

###

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?" Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."
Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that." Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 166 a few miles ago."

###

A man was pushing a cart through the supermarket, which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe little Albert here."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, *I'm Albert!"

###

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

###

A company of soldiers decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man. So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The amazing thing was
that the cook accepted this treatment silently.
Every morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong. After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it wasn't very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to mend their ways. The cook heard them out, then said, "You are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee."

###

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what?
I think I can do that with one shot!"

###

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoe worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care).
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

###

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry.
He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, describes how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage.
And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies.
"For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual.
But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates!"

###

There was a world-wide conference of housewives, and they were all
discussing the problems that they had getting their husbands to do anything around the house. They all agreed to go home, slam their fist on the table, express their displeasure and tell them that things had to change.

At the follow-up conference the next year, they all shared their stories. First, an American woman stood up and said "I went home and slammed my fist on the table. I told him that I could not take it any more and that things would have to change and that he would have to do more around the house". There was applause. She then went on "For the first day, I didn't se any difference. On the second day, I still didn't see anything. Then on the third day, he called up before he came home and did some shopping for me. On the fourth day, he helped me with the kids. It really has made a difference."

Then a German woman stood up. She said "I also went home and slammed my fist on the table and told him that I could not take it any more and that things had to change. On the first day, I didn't see anything. On the second day, still nothing. On the third day, still nothing. Then on the fourth day, he brought home some things form the store, and on the fifth day, he helped clean around the house. Overall, it has made a big difference". And there was more applause.

Then an Italian woman stood up. She said ""I also went home and slammed my fist on the table and told him that I could not take it any more and that things had to change. On the first day, I didn't see anything. On the second day, still nothing. On the third day, still nothing. On the fourth day, nothing. Then, on the fifth day, I was able to open one eye a little bit...."

###

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours -- wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite, passionate love. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other. The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house, she reaches
over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice.

"Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Buh-bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she
replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

###

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

###

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair
cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said.
"I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied.
"I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop

###

God sends for 3 world leaders and tells them that He is really angry with all the problems the world has given Him and that He has decided to destroy the world in 3 days. Clinton goes back to Washington and tells his people, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is..... there is a God. The bad news is that we have really screwed up and the world will end in 3 days." Jiang Zemin returns to the PRC and tells his people, "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is.... there is a God. The worse news is... He is going to stop our plan for world domination in 3 days." Dr. Mahathir returns to Malaysia with a big smile and says, "I have good news and better news! The good news is that God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people in the world. The better news is.... the currency crisis will be over in 3 days!!!!!

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Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

###

A young lady oyster had just returned from her first date with a lobster and was telling her oyster girl-friend about it. "He was simply marvelous," she said. "First he looked deep into my eyes.
Then he put his arms round me. Then he..." A look of horror came over her as she clutched at her throat and cried out, "Good heavens! My pearls!"

###

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.
The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!!
How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?!?!?
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

###

A military unit was out on a field exercise one day practicing camouflaging techniques. When all the men had taken position the company commander went to a hilltop so that he could view the area. As he was evaluating the effectiveness of the camouflaged men he noticed that one "tree" was moving (very much unlike a real tree). The commander thought that most of the men were camouflaged pretty well, however, there was that same "tree" which kept moving around. Infuriated at these distractive movements the commander gave the order for that particular soldier to report to his office the moment the men returned to the barracks.
Later that afternoon a soldier quietly tapped on the commanders office door.
The commander asked the soldier what he wanted. The soldier nervously replied that he had been instructed to report to the commander's office at the end of the field exercise. Realizing who this soldier was the commander flew into a rage shouting about how distractive the soldier had been during the camouflaging exercise. Red in the face the commander continued to roar at the soldier about how unacceptable his actions were and then he demanded an explanation.
The soldier then responded sheepishly, "Sir, I am truly sorry for my performance today, but there is a reason for my actions. When that dog came by and decided to relieve himself on my leg, I stood still. And when that pigeon landed on my head and started to "decorate me," again I remained still. But when those two squirrels ran up my leg and said, "Let's eat one now and save the other for later" I just COULDN'T stand still!"

###

One day there was this mother and her son. They were coming home from a trip.
The little boy saw two cows screwing each other. He asked his mother what they were doing. She said they were 'making tuna.' Then he saw two horses screwing each other
The boys asked, "What are they doing?"
"They're making tuna," the mother said.
Then he saw two dogs doing it. He asked what they were doing.
She said they were making tuna. When they got home. The little boy's sister saw him run down the stairs and she asked him what he was doing and he said, "Mommy and Daddy are making tuna and Mummy has mayonnaise all over her mouth."

###

Three men are traveling the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polack, and they get captured by some Amazons.

The head of the tribe say to the German, what do you want on your back for your whipping? The german responds,
"I will take oil!"

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these
hugh welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polack, what do you want on your back? "I will take nothing!" says the Polack, and the Polack stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American, who responds "I'll take the Polack!"

###

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her nether regions. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter
returns fully dressed ready for their date.

The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.
At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter?
Have I done something wrong?"
"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."
After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind."
"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?"
"Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"

###

A woman comes to her doctor asking to pull out the vibrator that got stuck.
The doctor, after examining her says : "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first"
"the bad news" says the woman.
"Well, I can't take it out" answered the doctor. "And what is the good news" asked the woman" I can still change the batteries" - answered the doctor.

###

Mahathir had a think-tank retreat with his cabinet in Bintan resort to discuss his Vision 2020... the economy wasn't doing too great, so they decided they needed a perk up...
Everybody was cracking their heads........ when Anwar announced that he had an idea: "Send a Malaysian to the moon!" All agreed, saying that it will bring back national pride etc... Mahathir was sore that it was Anwar that came up with this brilliant idea but had to go along anyway... not wanting the thunder stolen from him .
He volunteered to personally select the astronaut. So, the Malaysians got into a frenzy as Sultans wanted their favourite nephews to be selected and a nation wide search was conducted. Of course Mahatir got his hirelings to do the running until 3 candidates 1 Sultan's nephew - a Malay naturally, 1 Indian and 1 Chinese (so what's new?) were shortlisted for final selection interview by Mahathir. Wanting to give the impression that the selection was fair, he instructed that the interview would be conducted with the candidates present. The blue-blooded bumiputra was scheduled second to make it fair.
The Indian was first. Mahatir asked: "My dear kawan, what do you want in return for going to the moon?" The Indian replied, "Sir, I want 1 million ringgit". Mahatir was surprised, so he said "But going to the moon is for the country, why do you want so much money in return? You will become famous all over the world!"
Whereby the Indian replied "In case I get stuck on the moon, at least I know my family will be taken care of with the million dollars"
Mahatir was not convinced so he told the Indian to go home and wait for a reply.
The prince came next. Immediately, he said "Unlike the Indian, I will need only 500,00 ringgit for my wife". Mahatir was pleased, but before he could say anything, the prince continued "I have 4 wives, so I want 2 million ringgit" Mahatir was shocked again, so he asked the prince to return home and wait for a reply.
Finally the Chinese came and said "Tuanku, I want 3 million ringgit"
Mahatir was furious, so he bellowed "Why do you want 3 million for?" the Chinese replied "One million is for you, sir" Whereby Mahatir was extremely pleased. "the second million is for my family" "That sounds fair" said Mahatir "and the third million?"
"The third million is to send the Indian to the moon!"

###

There is this just married Chinese couple decided to make love on the wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off. While the husband is out, a Bayi (Indian) thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and
thought that it was her husband. She grabs the Bayi and happily screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she feels asleep also immediate. At the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sell condom and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asks him which quality does he want.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each." So the husband wanted the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. When he reach the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumps onto his wife and started making love. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she enjoyed the session. A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grows up, he ask the father "Pa, why am I black and you are white ????" The father shouted " You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more and you will become PURPLE COLOUR!?!??!?!?!?"

###

A couple has just moved to a cottage in the countryside. On moving in, they found to their dismay that there was no toilet in the place. The priest was an honored person in the region and so the couple decided to write a letter to him.
They asked, "Can you please tell us kindly where the W.C. is?"
Unfortunately, the priest mistook W.C. for Western Church and replied: "I am sorry to tell you that the nearest W.C. is nine miles away. The fastest way of getting there is by express train. But even that will take at least two hours. So, I'll advise you not to go there unless it is very urgent. Because of the long journey, my wife and I find it most troublesome to go there. We, herefore, seldom visit the place. The last time my wife visited the W.C. was two years ago. And, as for me, I prefer to conduct my business in the open with the crowd around me. If you were to go to the W.C. you will find that many ministers will be present to help you and assist especially the women in their business. Oh yes, as a last word, there'll be many Rolls hanging on the walls. After use, please return them."

###

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it is her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"? The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe". Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken". "No", said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".

###

A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New York says to the assistant " Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?"
She says "certainly sir, here we have fashion Barbie @$15.95, Vacation Barbie @ $15.95, housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and divorcee Barbie @$215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment "Why is divorcee Barbie so much?.....she looks the same to me. To which the assistant replies "Well sir, divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house and Ken's money"

###

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm.
The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".
The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really".
The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute !!!!"
The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon, 'Chicken Shit', he ain't gonna believe you, either."

###

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.
He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then...?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

###

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and
to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his
brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in , but take that clothe robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth.
You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

###

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer. "Because it can program in C," answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology." The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. 3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a consultant."

###

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation, "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question.

He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question.

He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?"

The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?".

Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!"

###

See if your toilet habits match your personality..........

Your selection of toilet cubicle can tell you the type of person you are.
You may wish to check on average, which is the most frequent cubicle that you/friends/colleagues used :

* 1st cubicle
Always in the rush.
A very fast & efficient person.
A quick thinker & does not like to waste time.
But can be careless at times.
A pessimist & hates to waste energy.

* 2nd cubicle
Efficient but takes time to check & think through issues before implementing them.
Can be romantic but rash at times.
Generally very cheerful.

* 3rd cubicle
Quiet & pensive.
Tend to miss lots of good opportunity in life.
A boring person.

* Handicapped toilet
An executive at heart.
Love to have space & luxury in every thing you do.
A very optimistic person.
Tend to be active & sporty.
Enjoy life in full. However, can't endure hardship.


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05