Jokes page 16

 

"What's Your Business Sign?"

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers
so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any
calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the
term "GO POSTAL"

###

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.....

You either married it or gave birth to it.

###

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end, and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

After the doctor stopped laughing, he said, " Medically, no. But here's something you can try on your wedding night. When you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the *@#% was that??"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"

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A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

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Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

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Wife : You tell a man something: It goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something; it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

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Mary : John says i'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter : I think you're pretty ugly

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Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells,"Oh god, are you still there?"

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Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around you neck.

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Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

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Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By check, money order or cash.

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Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

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Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

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Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, It's a sponge cake, isn't it?

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Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should i pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.

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Father Kangaroo : Where's our baby?
Mother Kangaroo : Oh no, I've had my pocket picked.

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2 potatoes are standing on the corner. How do you know which one is a prostitute?
Answer: The one yelling 'IDAHO!'

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Question : What did they call Batman and Robin after the steamroller ran over them?
Answer : Flatman and Ribbon

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There were these 3 women, walking through the desert, when 1 of them stumbled upon a magic lamp. They rubbed the lamp, and a Genie came out, and said, "I can grant you 3 wishes, but because there are 3 of you, I can only grant you 1 wish each, but what ever you wish for, your husbands will get double of". They agreed, and proceeded to go forth with their wishes...the first woman said, "I wish for 1 million dollars", the genie said, "your wish has been granted, you have 1 million dollars, but your husband has 2 million dollars". The second woman said, "I wish for a Cadillac", the Genie said, "your wish has been granted, you have a Cadillac, but your husband has 2 Cadillacs". The third woman said, "beat me 1/2 to death"!!!

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Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He had only one major publication
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal
5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. He may have created the world, but what has He done since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
11. Some say He had His son teach the class.
12. He expelled His first two students.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed.

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"This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.

Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy goes to Cindy and says, "I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor." Cindy replied "Okay," and he says, "Can I
borrow your eyebrow pencil?"
Cindy looks at him a little funny, but answers, "Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil."

The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?"

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay." And so the guy draws a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man?" Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says "I guess so," and puts on some of his clothes.

Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"

Cindy is now getting very dejected, and says "No, I guess not, you can call me Fred."

So then the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts "Fred You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4 months!!!"

###

Two guys go ice-fishing. They sit across from one another, and one (Ben) is really hauling them in, one after the other, whilst the other (Abe) just sits, not catching a thing. Abe finally gets a gutful of watching Ben catch them all, so he leans over and says, "Okay. You gotta have a secret. What's your secret?"
Ben mumbles, "Ee or erngs ore."
"Huh?"
"Ee or erngs ore."
"WHAT??!? I can't understand you!"
Ben hurks something into his hand, and says, "I said - `KEEP YOUR WORMS WARM!'"

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An Indian knocks on the door of a house of ill repute. The madam answers the door, and says "Whaddya want?"
Indian says, "Me-um want woman."
Madam says, "Have you any experience?"
Indian shakes his head.
Madam says, "If you don't have any experience, I can't let you in. You go get some experience, find a tree or something, I don't care, just get some so you know what to do, and then come back. Good bye." Bang! the door shuts.

Three months later, there's a knock on the cathouse door. Madam opens it: "Yes, what do you want?"
Indian stands there: "Me-um want woman."
Madam says, "Do you have any experience in this?"
Indian replies, "You betcha!"
Madam says, "Okay, come on in, and it's the second door on the right up the stairs."
He goes upstairs, and in a few minutes, the house is filled with the worst hollers and screams that anyone has heard. The madam hustles up the stairs to find the girl lying on the bed, shrieking, and the Indian standing over her, poking her with a stick. "What's going on here? I thought you said you had experience!?"
Indian replies calmly, "Me do have experience -- me-um just checking for bees."

###

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into atree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

And the idiot went to Heaven...

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There was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:

1) $10.00 to do it on the grass.
2) $20.00 to do it on a couch.
3) $30.00 to do it in the bed.

It's in the morning when a Mexican walks in and slaps a $10 bill on the table.
So they go out and do it on the grass.

Around noon, an American walks in and slaps a $20 bill on the table. So they go for the couch and do it on there.

About the end on the day, an Ah beng walks in and slaps $30 on the table.
Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you have class".
The Ah beng responds, "Class my ASS... Three times on the Grass..

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A gynecologist decided to quit, and become a car mechanic. He took a mechanics' course, and did the mechanics' union exam, and received the grade 105. The authorities were very mad at the tester for such an unusual grade, and inquired about it. The tester explained: "He's a really good mechanic. I asked him to fill oil, and he did. I asked him to put in new filters, and he did. I asked him to clean the spark-plugs, and he did"
"So why didn't you grade him a 100, why 105?"
"Cause he did it all through the exhaust pipe"

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Then there was the preacher who decided to sell his horse. A prospective buyer was impressed with the animal, but the preacher said, "I must warn you-----he only responds to 'church talk.' Go is "Praise the Lord," and Stop is "Hallelujah."
"I've worked with horses all my life," said the buyer, "and I've never heard of anything like this." Mounting the horse, the buyer said skeptically, "Praise the lord." The horse began to trot. He repeated, "Praise the Lord" and the horse broke into a gallop.
Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic, he yelled "Hallelujah," and they came to a stop a foot from the edge.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the buyer said, "Praise the Lord!"

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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

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A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunatly, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpeter's level, assures himelf that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket,the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 2:37 PM, provided today is May the twenty-second, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

###

Quite true for some........
When I take a long time - I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time - He is thorough.
When I don't do it - I am lazy.
Whem my boss doesn't do it - He is too busy.
When I do something without being told - I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same - that is initiative.
When I pleased my boss - I'm apple-polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss - He's co-operating.
When I do good - my boss never remember.
When I do wrong - he never forget.

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You know you're not young anymore when ....

Before - You take a bus from Marina MRT to Marina Bay during the weekend and all is norm
Now - You take a bus from Marina MRT to Marina Bay during the weekend and other than the bus driver, you 're the oldest person in the bus.

Before - You go to Disco Dances
Now - You go to Dinner & Dances

Before - Your auntie and uncles call you Ah Boy/Ah Girl
Now - Your auntie and uncles call you Dennis/Irene

Before - Kids call you Gor Gor/Ze Ze (Chinese Hokkien dialect for big brother /Sister)
Now - Kids call you Uncle/Auntie

Before - You talk about exams, teacher, homework, friends
Now - You talk about career, bosses, office-work, colleages

Before - You come back very late at night and your mum is pacing along the common walkway, waiting anxiously
Now - You come back very late at night and your mum is sound asleep.

Before - Your mother gets paranoid when girls/guys call you
Now - Your mother gets paranoid when girls/guys don't call you

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A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost in Algeria. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way

from the nearest town, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ...ermm... uh ... we use.... uh... erm... the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for the morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT NOW, VITE!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the camel keeps the enlisted men in a fighting spirit?," he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, Sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

###

I have everry reason to believe that computers were created female.

6 reasons to prove it so, that computers are female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message 'bad command or file name' is about as informative as 'if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you'.

And the number one reason is:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

###

Three nuns died and welcomed by the team of angels at heaven's door. The Head of the angels told the nuns that all of them were dedicated to their religion, people and their communities, and as a token of God's gratitude
they will be sent back to Earth for a period of one year in the form of the person they admired when they were alive. The first nun said; "Sharon Stone.." Angels zapped, and she was sent back as Ms. Stone. The second nun
said; "Demi Moore.." The same routine, and she also was sent. The third nun came a bit shy, and faintly said; "Sara Piplin.."
The angels were stunned, looked at each other and asked her who the hell that name was. The nun repeated the name, angels checked all magazines, newspapers, etc. but couldn't find "Sara Piplin". When the nun was asked for the last time, she lifted her napkin and took out a very old, brownish newspaper clipping. And the headline read: "SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 50 THOUSAND MEN".

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Elle MacPherson, Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell are flying off to the Carribean for a photo shoot. After a few hours into the flight, the Captain announces that the plane is going to crash, and that all the passengers have to loosen their ties, take off their shoes, and assume the crash position.
Elle starts to put on her makeup and do her hair; Cindy asks: "Why are you doing that?" "So that when the rescuers come they will notice me first, because I will be all beautiful".
Cindy then starts putting on all her jewellery, and Elle asks her why she's doing that. Cindy replies: "If I have all this gold jewellery on, it'll glitter, so that the rescuers can find me".
Whilst this conversation's going on, they notice that Naomi Campbell is pulling down her knickers and is hitching her skirt up to moon out of the window. "Why are you doing that, Naomi?" ask the other two.

"Well, I seem to remember that when a plane crashes, the first thing the rescuers look for is the Black Box!"

###

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was. "
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

###

Israeli -Arab
An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes. The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."

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The CIA is hiring new field operatives, it has three applicants, all married men. One has been married 1 year, the second, for 5 years and the third, 10 years. As a test of loyalty, each man is handed a pistol (loaded with blanks) and told to go into the next room and kill his wife. The first man goes into the room. After about five minutes of silence he comes back out, sobbing : "I just couldn't do it ! ! !" The next man goes in to kill his wife, after about 10 minutesof silence he emerges, also crying : "I just couldn't do it ! ! !"
Finally the third man enters the room with his wife. Immediately 2 shots ring out, and then about 10 minutes of muffled noise. Upon exiting the room he throws the pistol at the interviewer and exclaims

- "This damned thing was loaded with blanks, I had to strangle the b*tch ! ! !.

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer : "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

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Two young boys was having their morning breakfast, consist of hot chocolate and cereal. As he almost finish his meal, the younger of the two headed for their aquarium, his hand full of cereal. Just before he feed the turtles and the fish, his mother came into the room. "Don't do it, Kamal", she said. "They'll die."
The boys face turned pale and throw his mother a desperate look, "Then why did you gave it to us ?"

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Question : Who was the world's first, greatest and wisest financier ?
Answer : Noah, because he floated stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.

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While Milgrom waited at the air-port to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed : " You weigh 195 pounds, you're married and you're on your way to San Diego. "Milgrom stood there dumbfounded.
Another man put in a quarter and the computer read : " You weigh 184 pounds, you're divorced and on you're way to Chicago. "
Milgrom said to the man, " Are you divorced and on your way to Chicago ?"
" Yes, " came the reply.
Milgrom was amazed. Then he rushed to the men's room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read : " You still weigh 195 pounds, you're still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego ! "

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An insurance agent talking to a prospective client at her home pointed to an exquisite vase on the mantel. " Do you keep anything in it? "he asked.
" Yes - my husband's ashes. "
" I'm so sorry, " apologized the agent. " I didn't know he was deceased."
" He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray. "

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And then there's the story of the owner of a small business who received yet another questionnaire from the government. It began by asking : " How many employees do you have broken down by sex ? " "None at all, " he wrote, " although a few people do come in late in the morning. "

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A man complained to his teen-age daughter that the modern generation lacks modesty. " When I was your age, ' he said, " girls still knew how to blush."
" Good heavens, Dad," his daughter replied, " what on earth did you say to them?"

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Our restaurant is the best in the world," boasted the manager. "If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and ---" "I believe you," interrupted the customer, "I ordered a small steak."

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I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard saying. "My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a great depression."

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A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very short. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

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Sign on a company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, running down the boss, flying off the handle, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility and pushing his luck."

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Mrs. Mouse and her three little mice were crossing the street.
Suddenly, a large cat appeared right in front of them. Everyone froze.
Mrs. Mouse stared at the cat. The cat locked eyes with Mrs. Mouse, her little mice shuddering behind her. Mrs. Mouse opened her mouth and roared "WOOF! WOOF!" The cat turned tail and ran away as fast as he could.
Mrs. Mouse turned to her three little ones and said "See, I told you how important it is to learn a second language!"

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A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

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A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up trash in the yard. After a while the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, "you know, your butt is as big as that Bar B Que grill." She didn't say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him and he ask her what was wrong didn't she want to have sex with him? And she said "Why should I fire up this big old Bar B Que grill for just one little weenie like that!!"

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Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.
"The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind a like that.
"The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

###

One day, a beautiful lass who lives on the 12th floor on her apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping her bed sheets to air them out. Suddenly a strong gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over
the edge, falling to her death......'oh shit!" the woman thought, "what a way to die..."
Without a warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony out for some fresh air, catch her . Delirious the woman shouted "Oh thank you! You saved my life," The man replied "Do you Suck?" Stunned at this "No , I don't
Suck!!!!!" and with that the man let her go in the air . She started to fall again suddenly a man's arm grabbed her on the 8th floor .
"Thank God!" she screamed." I would have died , The man asked "Do you Fuck?" absolutely aghast at the remark, the woman answered "No, i don't Fuck!!!!"
once again, the arms that held her to safety were no more, Falling again the woman thought that she would die for certain, then a set of arms stretched out from 6th floor and catch her. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I will Suck, and I will be fuck!!!!!!"
"Slut....." the man said ............and dropped her to her death ... ... ... ... ... ...

###

There's this old man who his son says listen dad you're getting a little too old and it's getting hard to look after you, l think that it would be better if we send you to an old people's place. The old man objects. The son says but you'll love it, there will be people your own age there, you'll go on outings, you'll play games, they'll really look after you. The old man still objects so the son says okay how about you just try it for a week and if you don't like it then you don't have to stay. The old man after a while says okay but only if you visit me everyday. The son promises to and so he's off to the old people's home. After the first day the nurse goes to tuck the old man in bed and notices that he's got a bit of a you know what, so she jumps on him and starts going for it.

The next day the son comes to visit his dad and the father says, l love it here l want to stay, it's great, l don't want to go back home. Wow the son says, what happened that made you change you're mind so easily. Oh nothing he replies, l thinks it's great here. So the son was happy that his dad is pretty happy.
That night the father was walking down the corridor towards his room and he falls down. A male nurse sees him to go to his aid but before he helps the man up, he takes advantage and starts going for it.

The next day the son goes in to see his dad and his father is very upset. He says he wants to leave he doesn't like it there anymore, he's really cross. The son confused says but how can you be sure, yesterday you said you wanted to stay and now you're telling me you're unhappy and you want to leave. Tell me what's wrong. "l just want to leave here", he replies, he's too embarrassed and humiliated to tell his son. The son persists his father tell him what the problems. Well, the father says, to try and explain to his son, on the first night when l was getting tucked in bed by this female nurse, l had a bit of a you know what and the nurse jumped on me and we did it, on the second night when l was walking towards my room l fell down and this male nurse comes up behind me and does the dirty dog on me.
Well the son says you know dad you've got to take the good with the bad. Yes the father says, but l get a you knows what once a month, l fall down two to three times a day. (It's funnier when you say it rather than writing it).

###

These are really powerful 'SUAN' skills. Use with tact.

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too !
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental !
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion ?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race ?
I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks ?
At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face !
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing !
Careful now, doesn't let your brains go to your head !
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home ?
If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents !
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent !
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance ?
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent !
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you ?
Don't think, it may sprain your brain !
Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed !
You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle !
He is listed in Who's Who as What's That ?
He is living proof that man can live without a brain !
He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
How come you're here? I thought the zoo was closed at night !
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open ?
How much refund do you expect on your head-Now that it's EMPTY.
How would you like to feel the way you look ?
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you ?
I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years ?
I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.
I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit ?
I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me !
I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate! (if you are at all!)
I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse ?
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame !
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be !
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission !
WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID TODAY??????? ANYWAY I THINK THAT IS VERY TYPICAL OF YOU !!

###

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!?"
The doctor enquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself!"

Patient #1 replies, "What?! And work in the dark?!"

###

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

###

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

###

A pot-bellied man once decided to take a swim in ladies swimming pool. So he shaved up nicely, put some lipstick, wore a bikini and went to ladies swimming pool.
The receptionist upon seeing the bottom of this weird looking woman thought that the woman might be pregnant.
"I should warn you. Swimming is not good for pregnant women." the receptionist warned. The so-called lady didn't care and went for a swim. When the man came out of the pool and was passing by the reception his cock popped out from side of bikini. The receptionist shouted at him. "See I warned you. Now what're you gonna do about that leg of your child coming out?"

###

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the
picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table.
There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

###

Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
Well, the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

###

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

###

A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go.

Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night.
Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."

The Newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"

###

I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff.
He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.

Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.

"My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle.
"There's no sense in separating us now."

###

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

###

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

###

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

###

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

###

A men was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"

###

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talk about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

###

Have You Been A Good Girl?

3 girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said.
"I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met, before and after
I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good", said St. Peter.
"Angel, give this girl.......my room key.

###

One day a bartender put up a sign on his door that read "if you can make my horse laugh i'll give you a free beer." So a guy walked in and said " i'd like to try," and the bartender showed him to the horses stall out back and let him in. The bartender went back to the bar and waited, and the man came back and said " he's laughing, where's my beer?" The bartender was suprised and went back to check and sure enough the horse was laughing, so he gave the man a free beer. The bartender asked " how did you do that?" and the man said "its my
secret'' and left. The next day the Bartender saw that his hose was laughing non- stop and it was beginning to irritate him. Frustrated by this he put up a sign saying " if you can make the horse cry i'll give you 2 free beers." The same man walked in and said " i'd like to try" and the bartender showed him to the horse stall again and went back to the bar to wait. The man came back and sure enough he said " the horse is crying, now, give me my free beers." The bartender was suprised once again and went back to the stall to check, and sure enough the horse was crying. The bartender asked the man again, " how in the world did you do that, will you please tell me." The man said " ok, ok, i'll tell you .

"First I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and the second time i showed it to him."

 

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05