Jokes page 16
"What's Your Business Sign?"
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having
to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing
which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree."
You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and
begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers
so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration
for your golf game throughout your life.
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content
to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often
even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell.
It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that
engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic"
gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from
office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined
with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning
you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to
be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other
person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any
calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain
at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you
can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers"
as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little
cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is
to sleep with your manager.
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your
utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills"
are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating
these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most
people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission
and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks
correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems
such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the
invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the
term "GO POSTAL"
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always
be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to
realize that you had set it free.....
You either married it or gave birth to it.
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm getting married this week-end, and my fiancee thinks I'm
a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
After the doctor stopped laughing, he said, " Medically, no. But
here's something you can try on your wedding night. When you're getting
ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh,
when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's
your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The
wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her
leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps
the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the *@#% was that??"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other
and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing
all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok".
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When
I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for
advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma"
tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear
comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back with shock..
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
Wife : You tell a man something: It goes in one ear and comes out of
Husband : You tell a woman something; it goes in both ears and comes out
of the mouth.
Mary : John says i'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter : I think you're pretty ugly
Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells,"Oh
god, are you still there?"
Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around you neck.
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration
Man : By check, money order or cash.
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, It's a sponge cake, isn't it?
Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should i pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.
Father Kangaroo : Where's our baby?
Mother Kangaroo : Oh no, I've had my pocket picked.
2 potatoes are standing on the corner. How do you know which one is a
Answer: The one yelling 'IDAHO!'
Question : What did they call Batman and Robin after the steamroller
ran over them?
Answer : Flatman and Ribbon
There were these 3 women, walking through the desert, when 1 of them
stumbled upon a magic lamp. They rubbed the lamp, and a Genie came out,
and said, "I can grant you 3 wishes, but because there are 3 of you,
I can only grant you 1 wish each, but what ever you wish for, your husbands
will get double of". They agreed, and proceeded to go forth with
their wishes...the first woman said, "I wish for 1 million dollars",
the genie said, "your wish has been granted, you have 1 million dollars,
but your husband has 2 million dollars". The second woman said, "I
wish for a Cadillac", the Genie said, "your wish has been granted,
you have a Cadillac, but your husband has 2 Cadillacs". The third
woman said, "beat me 1/2 to death"!!!
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He had only one major publication
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal
5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. He may have created the world, but what has He done since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning
10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
11. Some say He had His son teach the class.
12. He expelled His first two students.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed.
"This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He
was cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.
Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was
game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy goes to Cindy
and says, "I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but
I need to ask you a favor." Cindy replied "Okay," and he
says, "Can I
borrow your eyebrow pencil?"
Cindy looks at him a little funny, but answers, "Sure, you can borrow
my eyebrow pencil."
The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw
a mustache on you?"
Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay." And so
the guy draws a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need
for you to look more like a man?" Cindy is getting a little disappointed
at this point, but says "I guess so," and puts on some of his
Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"
Cindy is now getting very dejected, and says "No, I guess not, you
can call me Fred."
So then the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts "Fred
You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4 months!!!"
Two guys go ice-fishing. They sit across from one another, and one (Ben)
is really hauling them in, one after the other, whilst the other (Abe)
just sits, not catching a thing. Abe finally gets a gutful of watching
Ben catch them all, so he leans over and says, "Okay. You gotta have
a secret. What's your secret?"
Ben mumbles, "Ee or erngs ore."
"Ee or erngs ore."
"WHAT??!? I can't understand you!"
Ben hurks something into his hand, and says, "I said - `KEEP YOUR
An Indian knocks on the door of a house of ill repute. The madam answers
the door, and says "Whaddya want?"
Indian says, "Me-um want woman."
Madam says, "Have you any experience?"
Indian shakes his head.
Madam says, "If you don't have any experience, I can't let you in.
You go get some experience, find a tree or something, I don't care, just
get some so you know what to do, and then come back. Good bye." Bang!
the door shuts.
Three months later, there's a knock on the cathouse door. Madam opens
it: "Yes, what do you want?"
Indian stands there: "Me-um want woman."
Madam says, "Do you have any experience in this?"
Indian replies, "You betcha!"
Madam says, "Okay, come on in, and it's the second door on the right
up the stairs."
He goes upstairs, and in a few minutes, the house is filled with the worst
hollers and screams that anyone has heard. The madam hustles up the stairs
to find the girl lying on the bed, shrieking, and the Indian standing
over her, poking her with a stick. "What's going on here? I thought
you said you had experience!?"
Indian replies calmly, "Me do have experience -- me-um just checking
Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding
in the car when it crashed into atree. Before anyone knows it, the three
men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where
St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that
Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the
number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question
which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to
Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings,"
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula
you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack
of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap
of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot
then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to Heaven...
There was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following
1) $10.00 to do it on the grass.
2) $20.00 to do it on a couch.
3) $30.00 to do it in the bed.
It's in the morning when a Mexican walks in and slaps a $10 bill on the
So they go out and do it on the grass.
Around noon, an American walks in and slaps a $20 bill on the table.
So they go for the couch and do it on there.
About the end on the day, an Ah beng walks in and slaps $30 on the table.
Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you have
The Ah beng responds, "Class my ASS... Three times on the Grass..
A gynecologist decided to quit, and become a car mechanic. He took a
mechanics' course, and did the mechanics' union exam, and received the
grade 105. The authorities were very mad at the tester for such an unusual
grade, and inquired about it. The tester explained: "He's a really
good mechanic. I asked him to fill oil, and he did. I asked him to put
in new filters, and he did. I asked him to clean the spark-plugs, and
"So why didn't you grade him a 100, why 105?"
"Cause he did it all through the exhaust pipe"
Then there was the preacher who decided to sell his horse. A prospective
buyer was impressed with the animal, but the preacher said, "I must
warn you-----he only responds to 'church talk.' Go is "Praise the
Lord," and Stop is "Hallelujah."
"I've worked with horses all my life," said the buyer, "and
I've never heard of anything like this." Mounting the horse, the
buyer said skeptically, "Praise the lord." The horse began to
trot. He repeated, "Praise the Lord" and the horse broke into
Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic, he yelled "Hallelujah,"
and they came to a stop a foot from the edge.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the buyer said, "Praise the Lord!"
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the
fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an
important meeting. Unfortunatly, his watch has stopped, and he cannot
tell if he is late or not.Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling
about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do
you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon
the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick
into the ground, and, pulling out a carpeter's level, assures himelf that
the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with
a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket,the patient calculates rapidly,
then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian,
saying, "It is now precisely 2:37 PM, provided today is May the twenty-second,
which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his
watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That
was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day,
or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look
at my watch."
Quite true for some........
When I take a long time - I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time - He is thorough.
When I don't do it - I am lazy.
Whem my boss doesn't do it - He is too busy.
When I do something without being told - I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same - that is initiative.
When I pleased my boss - I'm apple-polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss - He's co-operating.
When I do good - my boss never remember.
When I do wrong - he never forget.
You know you're not young anymore when ....
Before - You take a bus from Marina MRT to Marina Bay during the weekend
and all is norm
Now - You take a bus from Marina MRT to Marina Bay during the weekend
and other than the bus driver, you 're the oldest person in the bus.
Before - You go to Disco Dances
Now - You go to Dinner & Dances
Before - Your auntie and uncles call you Ah Boy/Ah Girl
Now - Your auntie and uncles call you Dennis/Irene
Before - Kids call you Gor Gor/Ze Ze (Chinese Hokkien dialect for big
Now - Kids call you Uncle/Auntie
Before - You talk about exams, teacher, homework, friends
Now - You talk about career, bosses, office-work, colleages
Before - You come back very late at night and your mum is pacing along
the common walkway, waiting anxiously
Now - You come back very late at night and your mum is sound asleep.
Before - Your mother gets paranoid when girls/guys call you
Now - Your mother gets paranoid when girls/guys don't call you
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote
desert outpost in Algeria. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old
seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to
the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long
from the nearest town, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when
they do ...ermm... uh ... we use.... uh... erm... the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for the morale,
then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months,
the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked
to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT NOW, VITE!"
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead
the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain
emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
"So, Sergeant, is that how the camel keeps the enlisted men in a
fighting spirit?," he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, Sir, usually they just use it to ride
I have everry reason to believe that computers were created female.
6 reasons to prove it so, that computers are female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else.
2. The message 'bad command or file name' is about as informative as 'if
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
And the number one reason is:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Three nuns died and welcomed by the team of angels at heaven's door.
The Head of the angels told the nuns that all of them were dedicated to
their religion, people and their communities, and as a token of God's
they will be sent back to Earth for a period of one year in the form of
the person they admired when they were alive. The first nun said; "Sharon
Stone.." Angels zapped, and she was sent back as Ms. Stone. The second
said; "Demi Moore.." The same routine, and she also was sent.
The third nun came a bit shy, and faintly said; "Sara Piplin.."
The angels were stunned, looked at each other and asked her who the hell
that name was. The nun repeated the name, angels checked all magazines,
newspapers, etc. but couldn't find "Sara Piplin". When the nun
was asked for the last time, she lifted her napkin and took out a very
old, brownish newspaper clipping. And the headline read: "SAHARA
PIPELINE LAID BY 50 THOUSAND MEN".
Elle MacPherson, Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell are flying off to
the Carribean for a photo shoot. After a few hours into the flight, the
Captain announces that the plane is going to crash, and that all the passengers
have to loosen their ties, take off their shoes, and assume the crash
Elle starts to put on her makeup and do her hair; Cindy asks: "Why
are you doing that?" "So that when the rescuers come they will
notice me first, because I will be all beautiful".
Cindy then starts putting on all her jewellery, and Elle asks her why
she's doing that. Cindy replies: "If I have all this gold jewellery
on, it'll glitter, so that the rescuers can find me".
Whilst this conversation's going on, they notice that Naomi Campbell is
pulling down her knickers and is hitching her skirt up to moon out of
the window. "Why are you doing that, Naomi?" ask the other two.
"Well, I seem to remember that when a plane crashes, the first thing
the rescuers look for is the Black Box!"
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for
I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who
it was. "
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will
be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He
had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs
nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice."
To avoid any trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spit
in his shoes. The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped
down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the
Israeli put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the
Arabs and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle
East, the Arabs will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the
Jews will have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."
The CIA is hiring new field operatives, it has three applicants, all
married men. One has been married 1 year, the second, for 5 years and
the third, 10 years. As a test of loyalty, each man is handed a pistol
(loaded with blanks) and told to go into the next room and kill his wife.
The first man goes into the room. After about five minutes of silence
he comes back out, sobbing : "I just couldn't do it ! ! !" The
next man goes in to kill his wife, after about 10 minutesof silence he
emerges, also crying : "I just couldn't do it ! ! !"
Finally the third man enters the room with his wife. Immediately 2 shots
ring out, and then about 10 minutes of muffled noise. Upon exiting the
room he throws the pistol at the interviewer and exclaims
- "This damned thing was loaded with blanks, I had to strangle the
b*tch ! ! !.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
Engineer : "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
lab and get some work done."
Two young boys was having their morning breakfast, consist of hot chocolate
and cereal. As he almost finish his meal, the younger of the two headed
for their aquarium, his hand full of cereal. Just before he feed the turtles
and the fish, his mother came into the room. "Don't do it, Kamal",
she said. "They'll die."
The boys face turned pale and throw his mother a desperate look, "Then
why did you gave it to us ?"
Question : Who was the world's first, greatest and wisest financier ?
Answer : Noah, because he floated stock while the rest of the world was
While Milgrom waited at the air-port to board his plane, he noticed a
computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a
quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed : " You weigh
195 pounds, you're married and you're on your way to San Diego. "Milgrom
stood there dumbfounded.
Another man put in a quarter and the computer read : " You weigh
184 pounds, you're divorced and on you're way to Chicago. "
Milgrom said to the man, " Are you divorced and on your way to Chicago
" Yes, " came the reply.
Milgrom was amazed. Then he rushed to the men's room, changed his clothes
and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read
: " You still weigh 195 pounds, you're still married, and you just
missed your plane to San Diego ! "
An insurance agent talking to a prospective client at her home pointed
to an exquisite vase on the mantel. " Do you keep anything in it?
" Yes - my husband's ashes. "
" I'm so sorry, " apologized the agent. " I didn't know
he was deceased."
" He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray. "
And then there's the story of the owner of a small business who received
yet another questionnaire from the government. It began by asking : "
How many employees do you have broken down by sex ? " "None
at all, " he wrote, " although a few people do come in late
in the morning. "
A man complained to his teen-age daughter that the modern generation
lacks modesty. " When I was your age, ' he said, " girls still
knew how to blush."
" Good heavens, Dad," his daughter replied, " what on earth
did you say to them?"
Our restaurant is the best in the world," boasted the manager. "If
you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order
hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and ---" "I
believe you," interrupted the customer, "I ordered a small steak."
I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard saying. "My hairline's
in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're
putting me in a great depression."
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered
his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked
company, favored formal attire, and was very short. The computer operated
faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
Sign on a company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness
program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, running
down the boss, flying off the handle, flogging dead horses, knifing friends
in the back, dodging responsibility and pushing his luck."
Mrs. Mouse and her three little mice were crossing the street.
Suddenly, a large cat appeared right in front of them. Everyone froze.
Mrs. Mouse stared at the cat. The cat locked eyes with Mrs. Mouse, her
little mice shuddering behind her. Mrs. Mouse opened her mouth and roared
"WOOF! WOOF!" The cat turned tail and ran away as fast as he
Mrs. Mouse turned to her three little ones and said "See, I told
you how important it is to learn a second language!"
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better
times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry,
but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you
only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him
at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30
times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replies,
"Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't
A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So
she went outside and decided to pick up trash in the yard. After a while
the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, "you
know, your butt is as big as that Bar B Que grill." She didn't say
anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she
turned her back to him and he ask her what was wrong didn't she want to
have sex with him? And she said "Why should I fire up this big old
Bar B Que grill for just one little weenie like that!!"
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance
as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage
counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I
"The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic.
He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind a like that.
"The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband
works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me
how great it's going to be when I get it."
One day, a beautiful lass who lives on the 12th floor on her apartment
building was out on her balcony, flapping her bed sheets to air them out.
Suddenly a strong gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over
the edge, falling to her death......'oh shit!" the woman thought,
"what a way to die..."
Without a warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony out for some fresh
air, catch her . Delirious the woman shouted "Oh thank you! You saved
my life," The man replied "Do you Suck?" Stunned at this
"No , I don't
Suck!!!!!" and with that the man let her go in the air . She started
to fall again suddenly a man's arm grabbed her on the 8th floor .
"Thank God!" she screamed." I would have died , The man
asked "Do you Fuck?" absolutely aghast at the remark, the woman
answered "No, i don't Fuck!!!!"
once again, the arms that held her to safety were no more, Falling again
the woman thought that she would die for certain, then a set of arms stretched
out from 6th floor and catch her. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted
"I will Suck, and I will be fuck!!!!!!"
"Slut....." the man said ............and dropped her to her
death ... ... ... ... ... ...
There's this old man who his son says listen dad you're getting a little
too old and it's getting hard to look after you, l think that it would
be better if we send you to an old people's place. The old man objects.
The son says but you'll love it, there will be people your own age there,
you'll go on outings, you'll play games, they'll really look after you.
The old man still objects so the son says okay how about you just try
it for a week and if you don't like it then you don't have to stay. The
old man after a while says okay but only if you visit me everyday. The
son promises to and so he's off to the old people's home. After the first
day the nurse goes to tuck the old man in bed and notices that he's got
a bit of a you know what, so she jumps on him and starts going for it.
The next day the son comes to visit his dad and the father says, l love
it here l want to stay, it's great, l don't want to go back home. Wow
the son says, what happened that made you change you're mind so easily.
Oh nothing he replies, l thinks it's great here. So the son was happy
that his dad is pretty happy.
That night the father was walking down the corridor towards his room and
he falls down. A male nurse sees him to go to his aid but before he helps
the man up, he takes advantage and starts going for it.
The next day the son goes in to see his dad and his father is very upset.
He says he wants to leave he doesn't like it there anymore, he's really
cross. The son confused says but how can you be sure, yesterday you said
you wanted to stay and now you're telling me you're unhappy and you want
to leave. Tell me what's wrong. "l just want to leave here",
he replies, he's too embarrassed and humiliated to tell his son. The son
persists his father tell him what the problems. Well, the father says,
to try and explain to his son, on the first night when l was getting tucked
in bed by this female nurse, l had a bit of a you know what and the nurse
jumped on me and we did it, on the second night when l was walking towards
my room l fell down and this male nurse comes up behind me and does the
dirty dog on me.
Well the son says you know dad you've got to take the good with the bad.
Yes the father says, but l get a you knows what once a month, l fall down
two to three times a day. (It's funnier when you say it rather than writing
These are really powerful 'SUAN' skills. Use with tact.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too !
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental !
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion ?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race ?
I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks
At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing !
Careful now, doesn't let your brains go to your head !
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home ?
If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents !
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent !
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance ?
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent !
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you ?
Don't think, it may sprain your brain !
Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed !
You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle !
He is listed in Who's Who as What's That ?
He is living proof that man can live without a brain !
He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an
How come you're here? I thought the zoo was closed at night !
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open ?
How much refund do you expect on your head-Now that it's EMPTY.
How would you like to feel the way you look ?
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you ?
I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years
I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.
I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm sure everyone will agree
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit
I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me !
I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate! (if you are at
I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse ?
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame !
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be !
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission !
WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID TODAY??????? ANYWAY I THINK THAT IS VERY TYPICAL
OF YOU !!
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered
a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending
to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling,
by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied,
"Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!?"
The doctor enquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient
#2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get
him down from there before he hurts himself!"
Patient #1 replies, "What?! And work in the dark?!"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were
you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending
on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented beautiful
office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man
come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman
picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
A pot-bellied man once decided to take a swim in ladies swimming pool.
So he shaved up nicely, put some lipstick, wore a bikini and went to ladies
The receptionist upon seeing the bottom of this weird looking woman thought
that the woman might be pregnant.
"I should warn you. Swimming is not good for pregnant women."
the receptionist warned. The so-called lady didn't care and went for a
swim. When the man came out of the pool and was passing by the reception
his cock popped out from side of bikini. The receptionist shouted at him.
"See I warned you. Now what're you gonna do about that leg of your
child coming out?"
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over
and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes
arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51
days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the
roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde
comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets
picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table.
There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie
Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one
of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks
that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in
Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided
to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd
jobs as a handy woman.
Well, the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need
in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who
had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the
house?" asked the wife.
"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished,"
she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so
I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching
the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think
we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off
to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off
all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw
her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it
up, maybe you could just drop it in!
A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of
her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to
profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the
cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a
place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd
be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign
up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy
would pay and she'd let him go.
Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night.
Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she
is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."
The Newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"
I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff.
He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.
Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him
fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never
uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like
to move to another seat.
"My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle.
"There's no sense in separating us now."
Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few
gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know
you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I
also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask
yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do
you make it last an hour?"
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble
with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise,
spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry
and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they
won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
A men was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and
joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to
dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their
local bar, they got to talk about how cold it was outside, and how cold
their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was
the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!"
and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air
and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos,
but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the
second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big
lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the
third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third
Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom,
threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of
ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
Have You Been A Good Girl?
3 girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the
gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl. "Oh
yes", she said.
"I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after
I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl...
the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got
married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl...
the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex
with every guy I met, before and after
I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good", said St.
"Angel, give this girl.......my room key.
One day a bartender put up a sign on his door that read "if you
can make my horse laugh i'll give you a free beer." So a guy walked
in and said " i'd like to try," and the bartender showed him
to the horses stall out back and let him in. The bartender went back to
the bar and waited, and the man came back and said " he's laughing,
where's my beer?" The bartender was suprised and went back to check
and sure enough the horse was laughing, so he gave the man a free beer.
The bartender asked " how did you do that?" and the man said
secret'' and left. The next day the Bartender saw that his hose was laughing
non- stop and it was beginning to irritate him. Frustrated by this he
put up a sign saying " if you can make the horse cry i'll give you
2 free beers." The same man walked in and said " i'd like to
try" and the bartender showed him to the horse stall again and went
back to the bar to wait. The man came back and sure enough he said "
the horse is crying, now, give me my free beers." The bartender was
suprised once again and went back to the stall to check, and sure enough
the horse was crying. The bartender asked the man again, " how in
the world did you do that, will you please tell me." The man said
" ok, ok, i'll tell you .
"First I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and the second
time i showed it to him."
If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take
it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references,
cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.
But the most important thing: Give me new, more