Jokes page 15

 

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect
your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you
have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

###

There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave. So she goes in and askes the salesclerk, "How much for that microwave?"

The salesclerk replies, "We don't sell Microwaves to blondes."

So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question. The salesclerk answers, "we don't sell microwaves to blondes."

So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way.

The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde. The clerk says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV."

###

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in and animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'

###

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

###

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many
would be left ?" "None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for
you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

###

Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a
potato.
But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.

The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

###

Mrs. Smith presented her husband with a 12 lbs baby and for a joke, one of the miners spread the news that Mr. Smith had found a 12 lbs nugget.
The local newspaper eager for a scoop, sent a reporter around. The door was opened by Mrs. Smith and this was the ensuing conversation.
Reporter = R
Mrs. Smith = M

R: Does Mr. Smith live here?
M: Yes.
R: Is he here?
M: No, but I'm his wife.
R: I heard that he has found a 12 lbs nugget.
M: Yes, he has. (sensing the joke)
R: Can you show me to the spot where is came from?
M: No, I'm afraid I can't.
R: Is the hole far from here?
M: No, quite handy.
R: Is the hole very large?
M: Well, its getting larger as Mr. Smith works on it.
R: Has he been working for it long?
M: Since just before we were married.
R: Was Mr. Smith the first to work on it?
M: (blushing) No, but he thinks he was.
R: Is the work difficult?
M: It was at first, but it was getting easier now.
R: Is the water inside the hole plentiful?
M: Enough for the job.
R: Has Mr. Smith struck the bottom yet?
M: No, but very near to it.
R: Do you think there are more nuggets?
M: Yes, if the hole is properly worked.
R: Has he worked on the hole since the nugget was found?
M: No, but it was time to start again.
R: Does he find the work tiring?
M: No, I work with him.
R: Do you think he will sell the claim?
M: No, he gets too much enjoyment out of it.
R: When does he work on it?
M: In the night or carry on in the morning.
R: Does he work on it long?
M: Long enough to satisfy him.
R: May I see the nugget, please.

Mrs. Smith produced the baby and the reporter collapsed.

###

Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat. Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone.
He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck. On the fifth day when he called John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. "Gracie is dead"!! Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack. When he recovered he said to Richard, "that was the most cruel thing I ever heard.
You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, well shes OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh oh, bad news, she fell of the roof and shes at the vets.
And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news. "Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless.
John accepted Richards apology for being so uncaring, and then said, oh, by the way, hows Mother?
Richard then said, "well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!!

###

He was driving home one evening, on a two-lane country road. Work, in this small mid-western community, was almost as slow as his beat-up Pontiac. But he never quit looking. Ever since the Levis factory closed, he'd been unemployed, and with winter raging on, the chill had finally hit home. It was a lonely road. Not very many people had a reason to be on it, unless they were leaving. Most of his friends had already left. They had families to feed and dreams to fulfill. But he stayed on. After all, this was where he buried his mother and father. He was born here and knew the country. He could go down this road blind, and tell you what was on either side, and with his headlights not working, that came in handy. It was starting to get dark and light snow flurries were coming down. He'd better get a move on. You know, he almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side of the road. But even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her. Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe, he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt.
It was that chill that only fear can put in you. He said, "I'm here to help you m'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm.
By the way, my name is Joe." Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough Joe crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skining his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt. As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down her window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Joe just smiled as he closed her trunk.
She asked him how much she owed him. Any amount would have been alright with her. She had already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Joe never thought twice about the money. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past.
He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way. He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance that they needed, and Joe added "...and think of me".
He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight. A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe.
She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The cash register was like the telephone of an out of work actor, it didn't ring much. Her waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed that the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Joe. After the lady finished her meal, and the waitress went to get her change from a hundred dollar bill, the lady slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. She wondered where the lady could be, then she noticed something written on a napkin. There were tears in her eyes, when she read what the lady wrote. It said, "You don't owe me a thing, I've been there too. Someone once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here's what you do.
Don't let the chain of love end with you." Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could she have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.
She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's gonna be alright, I love you Joe."

###

Try solving them before rushing over to look at the answers....

1) The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?


2) Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well- known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

3) The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank
the punch subsequently died of poisoning.
Why did the man not die?


4) Heaven

A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognised. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve.
How did he know?


5) Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?


6) The man in the Elevator

A man lives on the tenth floor of a building. Every day he takes the elevator to go down to the ground floor to go to work or to go shopping.When he returns he takes the elevator to the seventh floor and walks up the stairs to reach his apartment on the tenth floor. He hates walking so why does he do it?

This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.


7) The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water.
The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.


Eih, c'mon, be honest and only scroll down when you have try the questions!!
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SOLUTIONS:


1) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was travelling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st The boat then crossed the International Date line (or anytime zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.

2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

4) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels.

This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments!

5) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers.
Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?

6) The man is (of course) a dwarf. On rainy days, he uses his umbrella!

7) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups so the man no longer needed the water.

The is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.

###

There was once a guy who was born with a cancer... a cancer that can't be treated. He was 17 years old and he could die anytime. All his life, he was stuck in his house being taken cared by his mother. He never went outside but he was sick of staying home and wanted to go out for once. So he asked his mother and she gave him permission. He walked down his block and found a lot of stores. He passed a CD store and looked through the
front door for a second as he walked. He stopped and went back to look into the store.
He saw a MAD fly young girl about his age and he knew it was love at first sight. He opened the door and walked in, not looking at anything else but her. He walked closer and closer until he was finally at the front desk
where she sat. She looked up and asked "Can I help you?" She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and wanted to kiss her right there. He said "Uh... Yeah... Umm... I would like to
buy a CD." He picked one out and gave her money for it. "Would you like me to wrap it for you?" she asked, smiling her cute smile again.
He nodded and she went to the back.
She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him. He took it and walked out of the store. He went home and from then on, he went to that store everyday and bought a CD, and she wrapped it for him. He took the CD home
and put it in his closet.
He was still too shy to ask her out and he really wanted to but he couldn't. His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her. So the next day, he took all his courage and went to the store. He bought a CD like he did everyday and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it wrapped. He took it and when she wasn't looking, he left his phone number on the desk and ran out...

!!BRRRRRING!!!

The mother picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"
It was the girl!!! She asked for the boy and the mother started to cry and said, "You don't know? He passed away yesterday..."
The line was quiet except for the cries of the boy's mother.
Later in the day. the mother went into the boy's room because she wanted to remember him. She thought she would start by looking at his clothes.
So she opened the closet. She was face to face with piles and piles and piles of unopened CDs.She was surprised to find all those CDs and she picked one up and sat down on the bed and she started to open one. Inside, there
was a CD and as she took it out of the wrapper, out fell a piece of paper.
The mother picked it up and started to read it It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me?
Love,
Stacy

The mother opened another CD.
Again there was a piece of paper. It said: Hi... I think U R really cute.
Do u wanna go out with me?
Love,
Stacy

so ... hope that all of u will treasure the things u have now

###

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers

DOCTORS
-------
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER
------
Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN
--------
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a
cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION

WORKER, ETC.
------------
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long.
This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

TEACHER
-------
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

MINISTER
---------
See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".

###

It's about the American tourist and Thai guide in Thailand.

American: "What do you do with the seafood garbage?"
Thai" "Throw away."

American: In my country, we will make the snack and sell them in Thailand."

Thai: "...."
American: "What do you do with the used tires?"

Thai: "Throw away also."
American: "In my country, we will make the condoms and sell in
Thailand. Hahaha...."

Thai: "...Let me ask you a question, what do you do with the used condoms?"
American: "Surely, we throw them away."

Thai: "In my country, we use them to make chewing gum and sell in
America."

###

Deng went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton.
Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me.
He took him to a forest.
Bill: Dig the ground.
Deng did it.
Bill: more..more..more...
Deng went upto 100 feet.
Bill: So now, try to search for something
Deng: I got a wire.
Bill: You know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.
Deng became frustrated. He invited Bill to China. The following year, Bill was in China.
Deng: I want to show you our advancement.
He takes Bill to a forest.
Deng: Dig it.
Bill does.
Deng: more..more..more...
Bill goes up to almost 400 feet.
Deng: Try to find something.
Bill tries.
Deng: Did you get anything?
Bill: No, there is nothing here.
Deng: You know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS.

###

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd collected. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. But being a bright young fellow with the normal ethical standards of his profession, he started crying loudly, "Let me through!! let me through!! I am the son of the victim!!"
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the damaged car was the donkey it had run over.

###

Unknown to anyone, Dr Kamal has a brother who is unable to speak a single word but is an accomplished artist. As the story goes, Dr Kamal received 3 drawings from his brother one day. First was a drawing of a chicken.
Next was a drawing of a goat & lastly a leaf. Dumbfounded, Dr Kamal could not comprehend what his brother is trying to tell him. So, he had to turn to the help of an old man who normally sits in the coffee shop in Geylang.
Approaching him, Dr Kamal told him about his problem. The old man looked at the pictures and later, said:
"Your brother's coming down to visit you,"
"How did you know that?", Dr Kamal exclaimed
"U never take Malay is it?", said the old man
"The first picture is a chicken....in Malay is Ayam. The second
picture is a goat...in Malay is Kambing. Lastly, a picture of a
leaf...in Malay is Daun.
So if you put them down together...it sounds like....AYAM KAMBING
DAUN (I AM COMING DOWN)! "

###

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and NUS.
The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview. Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview them the same question.

Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
" Why do you say that?" asked the president. "Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The young man paused and replied, "That >would have to be a blink." "Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from NUS was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" "That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!" Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK......., BLINK............, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.................., I shit all over myself!!!!!"
(He got the job....)

###

Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

###

The new husband was in such a hurry on the first night of the honeymoon when he said to his bride, "Darling, you know love is blind." His wife replied, "You are right dear, but unfortunately the neighbor's aren't.
Please close the curtains."
On the first day of honeymoon, the new husband tells his wife, "Honey, I love you more than anything else in the world. I can fetch the moon for you. I can walk thru fire and water for you." The wife replied,"
Make it fire and fast. I would rather have you hot than wet or cold". The bride was crying and balling out. "What's the matter?" asked her friend. She replied," I didn't know until after the wedding ceremony that he had been married before and had five kids." "That must have come as a shock to you", commented her friend.
Bride replied, "Yes, and my four children didn't like it either"
The bride it turned out was very religious. As soon as she got married, she put a sign above their bed, "I need these every day." So the following day, the husband put up his own sign next to hers bed, "Oh Lord, give me strength."
A wife delivered a child six months after marriage. The disturbed husband went to the doctor. The doctor said, "Young man, don't worry, This happens sometimes in the case of first, child, but never afterwards."
A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. The couple was getting along wonderfully when the conversation headed towards political and international events. The husband asked, "Honey. What do you
think about the Middle East position." His wife replied, "I don't know, dear, Have we already tried it?""

###

A prostitute is lounging in her bed one evening, reflecting upon the day's business, when a koala bear appears at her open window.
He winks at her, climbs in, hops onto the bed, and proceeds to perform oral sex upon her. Not too dismayed by her unexpected guest's act, she spreads her legs and lets him have at it.
Finishing, the koala bear licks his lips and starts to exit out the same window. "Hey, wait a minute, buddy, you've got to pay for that! I'm a hooker, you know! A hooker?"
What's that?" asks the koala bear.
"A hooker! You know, a prostitute! It's in the dictionary, look it up!"
So she shows the koala bear the entry in the dictionary.
Sure enough it says, "Hooker: woman who exchanges sexual acts for monetary gain."
The koala thinks about that, and says, "Do you know what I am? I'm a koala bear! Look it up!"
So as the koala bear disappears out the window, the hooker thumbs through the dictionary and looks up "koala bear."
It reads: "Koala bear: eats bushes and leaves."

###

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing,....... yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-52

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

###

A test to see which category you belong to....

Instructions :
Do not start until you are told to do so. You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers down.

Q1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

Q2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill very half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?

Q3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm?

Q4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

Q5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

Q6.If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

Q7.A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?

Q8.Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

Q9.How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

Q10.If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago, and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers, and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later. What's the name of the driver?

Answers in the following article - no cheating now!

GOOD LUCK!






Answers:

1.All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

2.1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.

3.1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.

4.70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

5. 9 live sheep.

6. The match.

7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES,YOU TAKE 2,WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.

10. YOU are the driver.


Grading Scale (out of 10)

8+ Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Parliament

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The Difference;
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

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The Style;
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

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Relationships;
Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy.
Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential").
For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.

Love;
Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it is not necessary to understand her.
To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage;
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Husbands;
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Wives;
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year. The Battle;
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. (how true)

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

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Once there was a small baby monkey stranded on a small island. There was nothing on this island except dry grass and a single coconut tree with lots of young coconuts. One hot day, the dry grass caught fire. The fire spread quickly and soon the whole island was on fire.
To escape the fire the small baby monkey climbed up the coconut tree, but the wind was strong and the fire was quickly working its way towards the tree. By now the tree and the monkey were surrounded by fire. The question now is, WHAT SHOULD THE SMALL BABY MONKEY DO TO ESCAPETHE FIRE?????
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scroll down for the answer.....
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The answer........................
If a big monkey like you don't know the answer, How do you expect a small baby monkey to know........

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Wife in the toilet facing the mirror and says, Wife : Mirror mirror on the wall, please give me a forty-four... and with a blink of eyes, her bust became 44.
She was so happy and ran to her husband telling him what had happened.
Husband: Are you sure, nonsense !!
How much money have you wasted!! After some time the husband went into the toilet facing the mirror and says,
Husband: Mirror mirror on the wall, I want my dick to touch the floor.... 'Blink' ... His legs become short.

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Once a prostitute went to see a doctor.
Prostitute: Doctor, I have a big hole, is there any ways to tighten it.
My business is going down slope.
Doctor : Undress and let me examine first.
The prostitute removes her panties and open up her legs exposing her "XXX"
The Doctor moves his head forward with his eye wide open.
Doctor : Wah such a big hole ... Wah such a big hole... Wah such a big hole...
The prostitute feeling a bit angry and raised her volume saying, Prostitute: Can you stop repeating, if that's not the case I wouldn't have came to see you.
Doctor : I didn't repeat, the last two were the echo...!!

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Once a mother had 3 daughters got married on the same day.
After the 3 couple returns to their room, the mother when out each room to hear out if anything unusual happen
to her 3 daughter whose still a virgin. When she reaches the first room, she heard her first daughter screaming out of a pain. When she reach the second room, she heard her second daughter laughing and yelling out of joy.
When she reach the last room, she couldn't hear anything.
The next day the mother asks her 3 daughter about their first experience.
Mother to first daughter : Why did you scream..?
First daughter : It hurts.
Mother to second daughter : Why did you laugh and yell?
Second daughter : Shiok man, we had 6 rounds.
Mother to youngest daughter: Why your room so silent last night ?
Youngest daughter : There is something in my month.

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Pick-up lines heard around the world and how you might reply:
I know how to please a woman.
Reply: Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
Reply: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

May I see you pretty soon?
Reply: Don't you think I'm pretty now?

Your hair color is fabulous.
Reply: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

You look like a dream.
Reply: Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
Reply: Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Reply: Do not enter. or Stop.

I'd go through anything for you.
Reply: Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
Reply: You've just had it.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
Reply: Yes, but would you stay there?

Your place or mine?
Reply: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
Reply: Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
Reply: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Reply: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you some place before?
Reply: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Reply: If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

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A guy walks into a restaurant and sits down, accidentally knocking a spoon off his table. A waiter immediately rushes over, pulls out a spoon from his breast pocket and places it on the table.
The patron is impressed: "Do you always carry a spoon in your pocket?"
The waiter replies, "Yes. Management conducted a study which determined that 17.8% of our patrons knock over their spoon during the course of their meal. So management now requires us to carry a spoon as a productivity enhancement measures so we don't have to make so many trips to the kitchen for clean utensils.
The patron is duly impressed. During the course of his meal, he notices that all the waiters have strings coming out of their front zippers.
He calls over his waiter. "I couldn't help noticing the string coming out of your zipper...." Ah yes," the waiter replies, "another management productivity device.
Every waiter is required to have a string tied to his penis so when we have to urinate, rather than touching ourselves which would require washing our hands afterward, all we have to do is pull on the string and go about
our business. Great time saving device. "Fascinating," replied the patron.
"But tell me: How do you get your penis back in your pants?"
I don't know about the other guys," answered the waiter, "but I use a spoon."

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Three guys are at the Southern Comfort. The first guy, Dave wanting to impress his friends, calls the stripper over, takes out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it to her butt.

The second guy, Mike, wanting to out do Dave, takes out a fifty, licks it and sticks it to her other cheek.

The third guy, Wang, feeling like he is really on the spot, tries to think of what he can do to impress his friends. He pulls out his wallet, takes out his ATM card, swipes it down her crack and takes the $60.00.

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One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

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The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

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Two Minnesota were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other Minnesota asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, " I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for my urine test."

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An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join. He strips and goes for a walk. After a while, the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her caused the old man to become excited. The woman noticing the man's erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral sex on him. The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and tells him that he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.
The old man lights up a cigar and goes for another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man.
The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office and cancels his membership. "But why," asks the person at the desk, "you just said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited."
"Yes," replied t he old man, "but at my age I only get excited once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day."

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One day, there was this man who decided to try out sunbathing at a nudists' beach. He finally found a suitable spot at the 'The Havern' and settled down to make himself comfortable. Being a first timer, he found it a bit embarrassing.
An hour later, he noticed a little girl staring down at him.
Beginning to feel increasingly awkward, he placed the newspaper over his private parts. The little girl, whose curiosity had been aroused asked him what that was and he explained that it was his bird he kept it under wraps
so that it would not fly away. Soon after, having got used to the piercing stare, he fell asleep.
When he awoke, he had a shock of his life to find himself at the Hospital, remembering only vaguely or a certain BAD dream he had of finding his "bird" being roasted! "What the hell happened?" he said to himself. It was an even greater surprise, when the little girl who was at the beach, stepped into his room.
"Hello! You are awake."
"Yes, hi. Do you know how I came to be here?" he asked the little girl.
"Actually.....yes. You see, while you were sleeping. I wanted to play with your bird. But after a while, it started to spit at me. I was Sooooo angry, I broke its neck, crushed its eggs and set its nest on fire, that was when the people from the hospital started to arrive and they brought you here. By the way, do not worry about the bird, the nice man in the white suit tells me that it is already dead and would not do harm to anyone anymore."

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Top Ten Reasons why there are no Sex Scandals in Singapore

10 Can't even be naked in own home, how to have sex?
9 Ah Lians don't exactly turn our leaders on.
8 Our leaders are cloned; no need for sex.
7 Hotels in Geylang no longer allowed to rent out rooms by the hour.
6 Sex not one of the 5 C's.
5 Oral sex still illegal in Singapore.
4 SPGs only go for foreigners.
3 Kiasi - don't want to get AIDS
2 Amended Women's Charter can bankrupt adulterous men.
And (drumroll)... the number one reason why there are no sex scandals in Singapore...
1 Still confused over condoms and condos.

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THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD

NAME : Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION : Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION : Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS : This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT : Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE : Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TORNIQUE : Do not apply a tornique as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND : This would be completely unneccessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND : This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE :
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION : This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

ADDITIONAL NOTE:
With proper training, care, dicsipline this vermin can be a very nice pet that can bring you years of joy and laughter. But beware: abuse it's venom and reap the consequences, both for the male and female species!


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05