Jokes page 14

 

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up, and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss -- any asshole will do.

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Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Father When Picking Up His Daughter For A Date

10. "Now.. show me how you used to spank her."
9. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
8. "I just got my license today."
7. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
6. "You taught her to swallow, didn't you?"
5. "I feel like we both have something in common, she calls ME daddy too!"
4. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
3. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
2. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick."

"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, go back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was
gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained
that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, Voodoo dick my ass!"

###

The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from the Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of gayness." His reasoning is because the character is purple (a "gay" color), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol), and he carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell's work is far from over.

FRED FLINTSTONE

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-Toes," the show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have a gay old time," he wears a little orange dress with triangles on it, and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.

BUGS BUNNY

Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag, and he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting, speaks with an obvious lisp.

VELMA (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she sports an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is always wearing a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks, and she never once attempted to shag Shaggy.

POPEYE

Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he hasn't been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances, dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl, and his best friend is named Wimpy.

BATMAN & ROBIN

Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder," Batman's real name is "Bruce," they both wear tights, and they both in great shape.

PEPPERMINT PATTY

Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants and not dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays a mean game of football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie, she always wears comfortable shoes, and her nickname is "Sir."

PINK PANTHER:

Enough said.

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Why is an ethiopian blowjob so good?
Because you know she's gonna swallow

###

Tommy Shaughnessy went into the confessional box and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes Father, it is."

"Who was this woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Who was this woman you were with -- tell me?"

"Please, I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"

"No."

"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"

"No."

"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"

"No."

"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"

"No, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew."

Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?"

"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."

###

Mrs. Meyers said to the little Rick, "Son, have you given your goldfish fresh water?"
"No," Rick said. "They didn't drink the water I gave them last week."

###

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels, stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', Okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

###

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.

###

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

###

How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
Enough to make a bone 8 inches long!

###

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You
don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He
told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

###

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How can you breathe through something so small?

###

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

###

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed and said, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetence!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

###

How are men and a light bulb alike?
You have to screw both of them to get a response.

###

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

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Sex is like air -- Its not important unless your not getting any.

###

Three pastors and their wives were carpooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward. Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher and said sharply, "You hypocrite! All you ever cared about in your life was money! You've preached many times, 'Money is evil, money won't buy you happiness, money this, money that.' Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named Penny, isn't that so?" he demanded.

Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes sir, that's true."

"Well, you did preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you know where, but you don't get to come in the front gate. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter in the back door. Off you go!"

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor and yelled, "And you! All you ever talked and cared about was alcohol! You often preached, 'The bottle this, the bottle that.' Yet, you've been drunk nearly every time you've preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named Brandy, isn't that so?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you also preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But you don't get to come in the front gate either. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter the back door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And you! " St. Peter began.

The third pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walking, Fanny."

###

A guy was getting married on a Saturday. Friday night, his friends took him out and got him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, bing, bang, boom, forget it. His pecker was a mangled mess. He didn't know what to do. Finally he decided to take two Popsicle sticks and wrap them around his dick with adhesive tape.

The next day he got married. When he and his new bride were in their honeymoon suite, she walked out of the bathroom stark naked. She said, "Look, honey. Untouched by human hands."

Thinking quickly, he pulled down his pants and said, "Look! Not even out of the crate."

###

Why is a condom like a Kodak print?
They both capture that special moment.

###

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

###

How are parsley and pubic hair alike?
You just brush them to the side and keep on eating.

###

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

###

Why do women talk more then men?
They have 4 lips

###

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager though he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

###

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."

Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."

Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals.

When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I'll go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music."

Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be absolved of your sin."

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees
praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

"What? " Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement?"

Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

###

Why do Cowgirls walk bow-legged?
Because their boyfriends eat with their hats on.

###

The balcony of the execution chamber was full as the old black murderer was led to the electric chair. Wires were attached to his head, chest, and arms. To put the wires on his legs, the executioner cut the man's pants at the knees, and the head of the prisoner's dick popped out one of the slits. The gallery of witnesses began to laugh hysterically.

The old man looked up with tears in his eyes and screamed, "Laugh, you sons of bitches, but if you was as scared as me, yours would shrink up, too!"

###

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

###

Three international convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

###

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." *

###

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentionedthe salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out thatthe zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had justspent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and nowthey needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the moneywas good so he accepted.

Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage andbe the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He wouldscare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff.You know, gorilla things. As time wore on he became the mainattraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, andthe people loved him.

One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around andaccidentally swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. Thelion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla. The lion begins tostalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches thegorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready tojump, then the gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!" Then the lion said, " Shut-up stupid, or we'll both get fired! "

###

Grandpa and grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know -- but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son said, "They're $10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but he said he was going to the bank and would leave $10 under his son's pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said "Dad, I told you it was only $10 -- there's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's okay, -- the other $100 is from Grandma!"

###

Look at the following scenarios:

A) Two people trapped in a lift.
B) Nobody in a deserted village except yourself.
C) Pollution of any kind (to the sea or land etc.)
D) Buildings - collapse / fire disasters / natural disasters.

Which one u felt is the most miserable?
Sincerely pick one b/f scroll down for interpretation.


Interpretations:

A) Two people trapped in a lift.

You feel a bit inferior about yourself. But you can actually differentiate between the "black" against the "white" very well. However when it involves personal feelings, you are in a total mess!!!!

Lovelife:
You can manage a one two one relationship but when too many competitors or targets appeared, you will tend to panic and ruin everything instead!
Do not process the ability to flirt around. Try not to be a boring lover.

B) Nobody in a deserted village except yourself.

You are basically a person who enjoys looking back to the past ("reminisce"). A very emotional person indeed. Easily influenced by the people or surroundings around you. Eg. if the society is sad about the death of Princess Diana, you will also share the same sentiments or when watching a sad movie.....like Titanic, you will be so engrossed in the movie that you ended up being sadder than the main casts in the movie!

Lovelife:
Very Messy! Are you a very confused person?
Sometimes you like to be left alone,
Sometimes you want to be love,
Sometimes you need her/him,
Sometimes you don't??
Does it sound familiar?
You better sort out about yourself before you cause another party to be in pain for you.

C) Pollution of any kind (to the sea or land etc.)

You are suitable to go into politics cos u are able to differentiate between wrong from right pretty well and plus........you are very decisive.

Lovelife:
However when it comes to love, you are very INDECISIVE......and so you are not suitable to fall in love. As in similar to C) You sometimes need him/her, sometimes you don't......same advise!! You go think it over and better not hurt another innocent party!!

D) Buildings- collapse/fir disasters /natural disasters.

You are a person who is full of ambitions and creativity. You are very concerned about changes in the issues around you. You are also a very temperamental person. Mood swing tend to be your cup of tea.

Lovelife:
You are very easily attracted to the opposite sex (which means that u can't possibly be a gay if u are a guy and that u can't possibly be a lesbian if u are a gal.......cos u just can't possibly resist the opposite sex!!!)..........and the good thing is: you are also a "hot target" among the opposite sex! You can easily attract the opposite sex....Basically a very "Popular" lover. Sometimes you'll just wonder why so many people like to chat with you. A very "PEOPLE" person!

###

--> >How Do You Know If You're In Love, In lust, or Really Married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see each other.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see her.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see her.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who
knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you
feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

###

For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States,

Crossbeed Dogs:

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Great Pyrenees + Jack Russell Terrier = PyraJacks, don't bet on 'em

Spaniel + Dachshund = Spandachs, in gyms everywhere

Long Haired Terrier + Pit Bull = Hairy Pits, found throughout Europe

Scotch terrier + Irish water spaniel = Scotch and water, served throughout England, as opposed to watered scotch, served throughout the USA

Jack Russell Terrier + Labrador = A Jackdor, falls out windows trying to fly

Cairn Terrier + Jack Russell Terrier = Cair Jack, can never find him when you have a flat tire.

Highland Terrier + Jack Russell Terrier = Hijack, gets you in trouble on airplanes

Pekinese + Rottweiler = Parrot, repeats everything you say

Saluki + Shitzu = A Suzuki, goes for miles on a gallon of gas

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiler = Cock Rott, the result of unsafe sex

###

Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.
Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.
There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really.

Now, ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss something).........


What is:

1+5





2+4







3+3






4+2







5+1







Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds.
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then scroll down.
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QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.
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Keep going.
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You're thinking of a carrot right?
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If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
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Freaky, huh?

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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off! "said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a vacuum cleaner salesman..."

###

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.
"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"
"Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?"
The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."
The doctor`s face got a grave expression on it. "That`s what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that`s just starting to spread in this country. It`s called `Hong Kong Dong.`"
The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"
"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation."
"An operation? What kind of operation?" "We cut off your penis."
"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?" The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"
The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion.
The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it. Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony`s most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.
"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait. "Yes."
"And is it really incurable?" "Yes, there is no known cure."
The man`s face crumpled as he fought back tears.
"And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"
At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.
"What`s so funny, Doc? You mean I don`t have to have surgery?"
As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"
"I don`t have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.
"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it will fall off by itself."

###

LOVE COMMERCIALISED

They tell you what to eat and wear
And how you should love and care
So they created a day called "Valentine's"
When love becomes very blind.

They sell you roses costing ten times more
For fifty, they'll take it to her door
If love is measured by roses red
What happens when they droop and fade.

Candlelight dinner you can't afford
Can't tell her, or your status will drop
If love is measured by where we dine
What happens when stomach's not fine.

A fanciful costly card you must buy
Everyone's doing it, so you don't ask why.
If love is measured by what's on a card
What happens when words fail the heart.

Newspapers want to make money too
Reserve love columns just for you
If love is measured by such publicity
What happens when faced with the ordinary.

Why let love be so commercialised
An annual affair, reduced to a price
Senseless competition of status and style
By those all geared up to make a big pile.

It's the giving of yourself each day
In the many small and simple ways
That make you a true and precious friend
Who will live and love till the very end.

The giving of love is an education in itself

###

1. Bad : You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse : You're in it.

2. Bad : Your children are sexually active.
Worse : With each other.

3. Bad : Your husband's a cross-dresser.
Worse : He looks better than you.

4. Bad : Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse : She's a lawyer.

5. Bad : Your wife's leaving you.
Worse : For another woman.

6. Bad : You can't find your vibrator.
Worse : Your son "borrowed" it.

7. Bad : Your wife is sick.
Worse : Of you.

8. Bad : Your unit only measures out to be 2 inches long.
Worse : Erect!!!

9. Bad : Your husband has become a playboy.
Worse : Centerfold.

10. Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad : You're arrested.
Worse : By your husband.

11. Good : The teacher likes your son.
Bad : Sexually.

12. Good : You came home for a quickie.
Bad : Your wife walks in unexpectedly.

13. Good : You go to see a strip show.
Bad : Your daughter's the headline.

14. Good : Your boyfriend's on a diet.
Bad : So he'll fit in your clothes.

15. Good : Your daughter practices safe sex.
Bad : She's eleven.

16. Good : Your neighbour exercises in nude.
Bad : She weighs 350 pounds.

17. Good : Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad : You live downtown.

18. Good : Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad : She's coming home.

19. Good : Your wife's kinky.
Bad : With the neighbours.
Worse : All of them.

20. Good : Your wife just experience her first orgasm.
Bad : With the postman.

21. Good : Your wife's got a flat stomach.
Bad : And a matching chest.

22. Good : Your wife's got a large breast.
Bad : And a matching ass.

23. Good : Your wife reminds you of your mother.
Bad : In bed.

24. Good : Your girlfriend's got soft, long, blonde hair.
Bad : Under her arms.

25. Good : Your daughter's boss raves about her work.
Bad : He's a pimp.

26. Good : Your son just graduated from high school.
Bad : He's 27.

###

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice bods," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

###

A bus stops to let on a passenger.

This attractive lady steps onto the bus and puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers without saying a word.

The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggles all eight of his fingers.

The woman then looks a bit confused and in silence grabs her boobs! The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his balls, the woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus!!

A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the bus looks to the driver, and says, "Tom, I've been riding your bus for quite a few years now and I've never seen anything as vulgar as this! I'm going to have to ride a different route!"

Tom, the driver looks to the woman sitting in the front seat and replies, "You are mistaken, that woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th. street, I said, 'no, 10th street.' She asked if it went to the Dairy Mart, I told her that it went to the ball park and she said, 'shit, I'm on the wrong bus' and left.'"

###

A couple had 3 children. Two of them were bright, smart and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly and backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth dear, is his third child really mine?"

"Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are not."

###

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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A man went to the police station and said, "I want to meet the burglar who broke into my house last night."
"But why?" asked the inspector.
"Well," he said, "I just want to ask him how he managed to get in without waking my wife up."

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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband : "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

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I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen. Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

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After marrying a young woman, a ninety-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
Exactly," replied the doctor.

###

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said.
He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

###

Whenever you think you're having a bad day, consider....

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together.
Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

###

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

10. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products.
Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

15. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc...in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05