Jokes page 13

 

THE COMPREHENSIVE SHIT LIST

1. Ghost shit -- the kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit in the toilet.

2. Clean shit -- the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

3. Wet shit -- the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin your pants with stain.

4. Second wave -- it happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.

5. Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit -- the kind where you strain so much you practically have a stroke.

6. Gassy shit -- it's noisy and everyone within a earshot is giggling.

7. Gee-I-wish-I-could-shit shit -- the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times.

8. Wet cheek shit -- (the power dump!) the kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks get splashed with water.

9. Liquid shit -- the kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

10. Cling-on shit -- the kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there waiting on the edge.

11. Blow out shit -- the shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you have to check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks.

12. Exorcist shit -- the kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of your ass and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See Liquid shit)

13. Peek-a-boo shit -- it comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out, goes back in, etc.

14. Blowtorch shit -- shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that it's flammable. (Usually occurs morning after eating WAY too spicy food)

15. Dream shit -- when you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the shit that you'll be dreaming about.

16. Concrete shit -- this is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days.

17. Surgery shit -- after the concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery because your ass is torn apart so badly.

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Two rich men were talking over the coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe? Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said
"Ah Beng, here's a $10 note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.
The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Er, you know my boss is soooo stupid. He gave me $10 and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes...... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed! Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home...... He got handphone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!!!

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If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

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Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

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Remember our local girl-turned porned star, Anabel Cheong, from Singapore who went over to the States and got the world record of being fucked by 250 men (one after another) Here's a song to "glorify" our very own "Evita"

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Suntanned

Once there was this little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was
suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane.
She remarked to the other little old lady. "There ain't no justice in this world." The other little old lady asked "What do you mean by that?"
"Well," she said,
"When I was 20 I was curious about it,"
"When I was 30 I enjoyed it,"
"When I was 40 I asked for it,"
"When I was 50 I paid for it,"
"When I was 60 I prayed for it,"
"When I was 70 I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."

###

one day, one mat salleh from USA arrived in subang airport, after he checked out from the custom, he felt that he wanted to go to the toilet, so he looked for a toilet. when he found the toilet, there was an old lady sitting in front of the toilet. when he was about to enter the toilet , the old lady stopped him and said forty cent in cantonese ( say kok ), the mat salleh just wonder why in malaysia, they have to "see the cock" (forty cent in cantonese ) before entering the toilet ? so he said "no", but the old lady insisted. since he got no choice, he took out his cock and showed to her. the old lady said "no, no, no, DUIT, DUIT " (money in malay) but the mat salleh misunderstood again because he thought she said " DO IT, DO IT ". so he asked " NOW, HERE ?" the old lady just reply " YES, YES " because she doesn't understand english. the mat salleh thought she agreed to have sex with him, so he strip up the old lady and make love to her, but the old lady was screaming and said " SAKIT, SAKIT " ( pain in malay ) and again he thought is "suck it, suck it", so he said " OK, i will suck it for you " and take the breast and sucked. the old lady again screamed " OH TUHAN ! " (oh, my god !..... in malay). The mat salleh misunderstood again " too HARD, ok sweet heart, i'll be gentle a bit, ok ? " the mat salleh replied. suddenly the security officer walked by, and the old lady was asking for help, " TOLONG, ENCIK " (help, help ... in malay ). but on the other hand, the mat salleh replied " not too long, just about 6 inches only "

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Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them. The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up." The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."

And the third one says I'll name mine Jack Daniel's." The others say "Hey! That's not a soft drink that's a hard licker!". She says "That's My Georgie!!"

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Due to the current financial situation, Management has decide to implement a scheme to put all workers over 40 years of age on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After retirement).Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for
Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management feel appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. Should you feel you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your Manager.He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

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"Why Dogs Are Better than Women"

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs have ten breasts.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

A dog's parents never visit.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

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Why Women Are Better than Dogs


It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Women know how to make popcorn.

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How Women and Dogs Are the Same


Both look stupid in hats.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have hip problems.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither understands football.

Neither believes that silence is golden.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

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A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

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Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

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A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.

"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'

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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

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The phone rang at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Thibodeaux! He's hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI goons came over to Thibodeaux's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept, broke every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swore at Thibodeaux and left.

The phone rang at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Thibodeaux! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah dey did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

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A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Ma, I got married."

Her mother said, "Oy, that's great."

The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab."

Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great."

The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."

Her mother said, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble!?"

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A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey said and sighed. "But I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady
from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -"
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.
"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."

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Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he missed.
The principal agreed so they called Little Johnny into the office and explained to him what they were going to do.
Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Little Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"
Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Little Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"

###

A teacher cautiously approached the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realized Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Little Johnny remained attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asked for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raised his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raised his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher called on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"That will teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc..
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

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This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years ! ", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years ! "
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"

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A young man and woman have only been married for two days. One night, just as they are getting ready to go to bed, they hear a noise in the backyard, kind of like a vacuum cleaner in reverse. They put on their robes and run outside, there, hovering over the lawn is a flying saucer.
It lands, and two tall, beautiful silver aliens get out. Obviously a male and a female, and according to earth standards, quite beautiful.
They explain to the newlyweds that they need to stay overnight to effect repairs to their ship. The young couple agrees, and invite the aliens in for a snack. The aliens agree, but say that it would only be sociable
to then invite the newlyweds for a snack. "We will invite you aboard our spacecraft, but you must abide by our customs. You must stay the night, and it is only courteous that we change partners for the night. The newlyweds talk it over and agree.
That night, the wife is with the male alien. He undresses and she stares at his perfect body. Then her gaze crosses his groin, and a look of disappointment comes over her. "Is there something wrong?" asks the alien.
"Well, you seem so ... uh... small." "No problem," replies the alien, he twists his ear and his organ grows longer. The woman still seems disappointed. She indicates she would like the alien to be "wider."
He twists the other ear and grows wider. The next morning over breakfast, the wife tells her husband what a wonderful night she had with the alien, and that she can hardly wait to share some of the techniques with her husband the next night.
"Honey, how was your night?" she asks. "Terrible." he said. "The female alien was truly beautiful, but all she did was twist my ears all night long."............

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This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm.
Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink."
The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

###

It was the first class of the year in Paranormal 101, the study of supernatural forces. The class is quite large, about 80 students, so the professor decides to try to warm things up a bit by soliciting some class participation.
"Would everyone here who knows someone who claims to have seen a Ghost, please raise your hand."
About half the class raises their hands.
"Excellent", says the professor. "Now, how many of you have actually seen one yourself?"
All hands go down except for about 10 people.
"Well, thats pretty good out of a class this size." says the prof who then decides to go one further and asks, "How many of you have actually touched one?"
All the hands go down except for one Pakistani exchange student in the back of the class.
The professor is now visibly excited and says to the student, "you claim to have touched on.....made actual physical contact?"
"Not only have I made contact with one, I have made love to one."
says the Paki.
"Thats incredible!" yelled the professor who begins shaking with anticipation, "You mean to tell us that you have actually made love to a Ghost?".
All eyes in the class come focused on the exchange student.
An embarassed grin spreads across the Paki's face as he says..."GHOST?...............I thought you said GOAT!"

###

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give i to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

###

Little Ah Boy went up to grandpa and said, "Grandpa, can you imitate a frog for me please?"
"Why a frog, my sweet grandchild?" asked the old man.
"Because Mummy and Daddy said they would get a great fortune from your CPF when you croak," replied Ah Boy.

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The judge asked Ah Seng, "Have you ever been arrested?"
"No," came the reply.
"So, you have been a good citizen?"
"Well, as I'm under oath, I can only say I've never been caught before."

###

The prosecutor looked hard at the judge and began his final summation.
This was the work of no amateur, this was the work of a brilliant, cool and calculative criminal and......."
At this, Ah Seng, the defendant, cut in, "Don't try to flatter me! I won't confess!"

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Ah Fook, a recruit, was a bit of a loner. He took to drinking heavily whenever he booked out for the weekend. One weekend, he returned so drunk that he was told to see the Commanding Officer immediately.
"Look Ah Fook, why don't you shape up?" said the Co, who was something of a softie. "There is a real future for you here if you sober up. You could become a corporal or even a sergeant! Isn't that something to look
forward to?"
Ah Fook replied, "Well Sir, to tell you the truth, that is really not good enough for me because after a few glasses of Tiger, I feel like a colonel!"

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Here's an advice for the girls out there :
"Girls, marry a National Serviceman! He can cook, sew, make bed, and is already used to taking orders!"

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".

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It was a very cold winter night! A sparrow had spent two nights out with only the mere shelter of a tree. He decided that he couldn't survive a third night, so he left the tree to find a better shelter. As he flew he
got colder and colder, until his little wings froze solid and he fell to the ground.

As he lay there freezing he realized that his end was nigh and he prayed for death to come quickly. Suddenly, in his semiconscious state, he had a feeling of being enveloped in a warm covering. He regained consciousness to find that a friendly cow had dropped a luxurious deposit all over him.

The warmth gave him a new lease of life, and the sparrow's comfort made him felt very happy, so he started to sing. A passing pussycat heard the chirping, located the heap, carefully removed the excrement to reveal the
little sparrow, and promptly ate him up...


There are three morals linked to this sad story: -
1. If someone shits on you, he/she is not necessarily your enemy.
2. If someone gets you out of the shit, he/she is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you are in the shit and happy - keep your mouth shut!!!

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One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a women bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something get hard, so I ran."

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These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a
small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.

They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there.
The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and
says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."

They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes
the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."

Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there.

The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute.
Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, ass hole! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"

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Human "genius" at work:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

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It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except for the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

It worked. The professor really didn't know who he was!

###

Customer: How much is that tie?
Salesman: Forty dollars.
Customer: Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman: But how would a pair of shoes look around you neck.

###

Johnny: I know an author who took ten years to finish a book.
Steven : That's nothing. I know a prisoner who took twenty years to finish a sentence!

###

Wife: You tell a man something: It goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband: You tell a woman something: it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

###

Son: How much am I worth, Mom?
Mom: You're worth a million pounds to me, son.
Son: Well, could you lend me five pounds then?

###

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

###

Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

###

Woman: How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me ?
Man: By check, money order or cash.

###

Mom: Billy, your father's having very important guest over for lunch today. why don't you clean yourself and make yourself presentable?
Billy: Why should I, mom? They're not going to eat me, are they?

###

Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily: So what do you do?
Sam: I close my eyes.

###

Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last >week.

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Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son: Well, It's a sponge cake, isn't it?

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Man: You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man: NO, because you make me sick.

###

Man: I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man: Why should i pay you so much?
Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid.

###

Father Kangaroo: Where's our baby?
Mother Kangaroo: Oh no, I've had my pocket picked.

###

Mother : "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son : "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother : "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son : "Who threw the eraser at the principal."

###

"Are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Tommy at the dinner table.
"No," said his father, "what makes you ask a question like that while we are eating?"
"You had one on your salad, but it's gone now," replied Tommy.

###

It was graduation day and Mom was tring to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put you arm around your dad's shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

###

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression "Dad," the boy
said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up....."
"Yes, son?" the father asked expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

###

One blistering, hot day, when guests were present for dinner, a mother asked her four year old son to say the blessing.
"But Mother, I don't know what to say," he protested.
"Just say what you've heard me say," she told him.
Obediently, he bowed his head and said, "Oh Lord, why did I invite these people here on a hot day like this?"

###

Son rushes in through the front door yelling, "Dad! Dad! I'm going be in the school play for Family Day!"
"Great kid!", cried the surprised parent, "What part did you get?"
"I get to play the husband!!, the son exclaimed.
"Aww son! Go back to school and tell the Teacher you want a speaking role!"

###

"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him pass.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again.
Still, no one came to the door.
Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home."
The kid replied, "She is but this isn't where I live!!!!"

###

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station.

He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose.

His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin.

The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind.

In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City.

He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas
for service in World War II.

During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding.
Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused.
She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.
When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York.
"You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel."
So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen.
I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:
A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her
delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive.
I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured.
Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell.
She was standing almost directly behind the girl.
A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat.. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes.
The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her.
This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.
I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.
"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"
The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!"
It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.
The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.
"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."

###

Is the mouse you are using a MALE or FEMALE ?
How to check on this ?
Please do not "tombalik" your mouse to check on its gender !
Make a guess before you scroll down for the answer.
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Answer :
Just check whether your mouse is using a MOUSE PAD or not....If YES, it's a FEMALE !
If NO, its otherwise !

###
A prisoner on death row was feeling extremely anxious the morning of his execution on the electric chair, because he could not withstand pain.
One sympathetic guard tried to reassure him, telling him that electricity would take his life in a wink, and that he would not have time to suffer. The executioner then came for another prisoner on death row and took him in shackles to the execution room. After a short while, loud screams and horrible howls were filling up the whole jail.
"What is this, what is going on ?" asked the anxious prisoner. The guard went to check and came back.
"The jail had a power failure during the execution, so they are finishing the job with candles...."

###

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?"
Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

###

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane". After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...

--THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA--

###

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message."

###

There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system....
"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late." Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life... "This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late." The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system... "Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late."
On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said: "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting flight from New York!"

###

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, we are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean. Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest. We are going to crash-land this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me: "Our Father Who art in Heaven.........."

###

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini.
The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis". After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink". She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!" "What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."
At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?".
"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.
The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

###

This is a letter from a Singh's wife to her son.
Dear Son, Vahe Guru.
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't
be able to send you the address as the last Singh who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rains only twice last week. The first it rains for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send you in the mail with all the buttons. so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, she will come up again.
Your father has a new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other drowned because they couldn't
get the tail gate down.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love
Mom

P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

###

Conversation of a Software Engineer with his wife

Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.

###

Dracula was killed one day and went to the heaven to see god. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re-incarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD,heh..heh..heh."

"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a lil'bit sheepish.

"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?" Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh.. heh, heh...!"

God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO. So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid.

"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God. Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"
"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.

Dracula became a 'Whisper (aka Always)' sanitary pad with wings...



 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05