Jokes page 12
A little boy and girl were playing doctor. The little boy boldly pulled off his shirt, pointed to his nipples and said, "I've got two of these, how about you?" the little girl opened her blouse and looked and said, "Yupp!". So the boy pointed to his belly button and said, "one of these?" The little girl looked down and said, "uh-huh!". So the little boy dropped his drawers and pointed to his penis and said, "What about this?" The little girl raised her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, but search as she might she couldn't find that particular organ. The little boy taunted her till she ran home to her mommy! She returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face and said, "My mommy told me that when I am 15 years old, I'll have as many of those as I want!"
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match."
The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? 'or what?' Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please Brian.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at take.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm*.
DJ: This sounds good Brian *where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we?
(touch tones *ringing*)
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now*
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose soooooooo do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian*
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on strike a 'helloooooo' anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian! ..this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think.
(sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just, just that my mom is vacationing with us and
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord! I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
DJ: We will be right back.
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.
How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar, and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else.
After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine,
and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all
the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake, and he fished from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that he seemed to spending his whole honeymoon fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea, and you know how I love to fish."
A few hours later, the guide said, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea, and you know how I love to fish."
The following day, the guide said, "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea (mouth rot), and you know how I love to fish. "
Later that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated, the guide approached the subject again. "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms, and you know how I just love to fish."
How do you get holy water?
Two gay guys were walking down the road , after a while they came across
The other guy said , " yah ( paused ) if I were you I think I would
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"
"Advice for Yankees Moving South"
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshields, which comes from yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures
- 25 cents."
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents,"
The salesman was embarassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the
Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood
and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how
he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golfcourse was and was given directions how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in mind
and became confused as to whhere he was on the course. Looking around,
he saw a lady playing ahead of him and walked up to her. He told her
She replied," I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the sixth hole." He thanked her and continued his game.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said," I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me so you must be on the 13th". Once again, he thanked her and returned to his game.
He finished his round and went to the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said," Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied " if I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't" he persisted that she should tell him.
"well if you must know," she answered "I sell Tampons"
With that he fell onto the floor and laughed so hard that he almost lost his breath.
She said " See, I know you would laugh!!"
"That's what I am laughing at," He replied," I am a toilet paper sales man, so.....I AM STILL A HOLE BEHIND YOU!!!!
There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they
could, were unable to produce little children.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago.
Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air!
Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"
"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.
"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "TO BLOW OUT THAT DARN CANDLE YOU LIT!"
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor
says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news
and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both
legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest
of her life."
Some Gangsters were thinking of robbing a bank. They thought of the best plan that could be made and started to work. A day or two later they are able to get into the bank. There were hundreds of safes. They open the first safe and the only thing they find in there is a vanilla pudding.
The Head Gangster says "OK!" At least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding. They open up the second Safe and there stays
another pudding. So they devoured it too.This process goes on for the
rest of the day until all the safes were opened. There was no money nor
jewelry. "Well," they say,"at least there is something
for us to
The next day, on the news they heard: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed...."
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them
a test. He released a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to
Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr Watson decided to explore nature
and go Camping. They set up a tent and they had an enjoyable day fishing.
When night falls, they started a fire and had fish caught from the river.
During the ASEAN meeting, all Prime Minister of the ASEAN countries were
present except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY. During a
conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with a bright
idea to produce Proton cars and with a initial investment of M$1 billion,
we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind."
LKY of Singapore was not impressed and say, "I told my Land Transport
Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy a old printing machine and also made
SGD$50 million a year."
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month
after I die I want you to marry Mr Drone." "Drone ! But he is
your enemy !"
A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were
first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring
my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after
ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers
and my wife runs around barking."
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband. But look at me. My husband is Foolish, Lazy and a Coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him ?"
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she
starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares
to answer her." One of his friends asked, "And when you are
angry, what do you do ?"
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out : 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him." "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your
problem ?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
The bride was crying. "What's the matter ?" asked her friend.
"Well," she replied, "I didn't know until after the wedding
that he had been married before and had five kids."
"My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street." "Oh,
A husband said to his wife, "Your mother has been living with us
for 5 years now. Isn't it time that she got herself her own apartment
A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"
Ah Meng had just finished a full day behind the wheel of his taxi and
was walking home when an Ah Beng pulled up in a van, stuffed and filled
with a group of 16 Ah Sengs.
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000
and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a
newstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
WELCOME TO SINGLISH/SINGAPORE DIALECT DICTIONARY
3) Bak chew tah stamp/sai
4) Bo Eng Lah!
5) Borrow Me < p Commonly used by Singaporeans of the Ah-beng and
Ah-lian species. It means "lend" and is usually used in the
context of a request.
6) Buey tah han
8) Catch No Ball!
9) cham siong
13) Dom Pang
15) hao lian
16) Jia Lat!
20) Ke Chia
21) kena sai
22) Lem Bek
24)On The Ball
25) "Or Piang"
28) Sa Kah
31) see gin nah
32) Seik bai
33) Siao Liao
34) Solid siah!
35) Spoil The Market
37) Tok Kong
39) Wah piang eh
a few thoughts on marriage
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man met a genie. The genie told him he could have whatever he wanted
provided that his mother-in-law gets
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late
for dinner and the answering machine
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" His wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 20 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
A guy went to a party without his wife. He heard another guy say to his
wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar."
He thought this sort of speech is a good idea.
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your
bags, I've won the lottery!"
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if he can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, & a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.
"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him.
The man asks, " What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."
On an airplane a man says to the stewardess 'I'll give you $5000 if I
can bite your breast'. The stewardess is scared and goes to the captain
and tells him about this. But the captain says
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was
at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's
car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab
your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" The
boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window!
It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband
catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfrind grabs
his clothes and and jumps out the window! When he landed outside he was
in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running
along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes
on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the
nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels
so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
There was this contruction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
building ... He needed a hand saw but was lazy to go down and get it himself.
A lady went to see the amazing Dr. Swiggam, because she'd heard he did
wonderful things with exercise to increase bust size. And indeed, Dr.
Swiggam gave her an exercise to practice. He encouraged her to use rhythm
in her practice; that is to exercise while reciting a little poem to keep
her focused and encouraged. The exercise was simply to raise her arms,
placing her knuckles together in front of her, then stretch back with
her elbows as far as she could, then bring her knuckles together again,
while chanting this poem: "Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece was
white as snow.
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The Nun Weekend
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few
If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take
it down or put a reference to it's origin.
But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!
Last Updated: 02.06.05