Jokes page 12

 

A little boy and girl were playing doctor. The little boy boldly pulled off his shirt, pointed to his nipples and said, "I've got two of these, how about you?" the little girl opened her blouse and looked and said, "Yupp!". So the boy pointed to his belly button and said, "one of these?" The little girl looked down and said, "uh-huh!". So the little boy dropped his drawers and pointed to his penis and said, "What about this?" The little girl raised her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, but search as she might she couldn't find that particular organ. The little boy taunted her till she ran home to her mommy! She returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face and said, "My mommy told me that when I am 15 years old, I'll have as many of those as I want!"

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On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match."

The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.

If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.

This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? 'or what?' Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at take.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm*.

DJ: This sounds good Brian *where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we?

(touch tones *ringing*)

Clerk: Kinko's.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now*

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose soooooooo do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?

Sara: Oh, Brian*

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on strike a 'helloooooo' anyone home?!?!

Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian! ..this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8 I think.

(sound effect) DING DING DING

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.

DJ: hhmmmmm

Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, It's just, just that my mom is vacationing with us and

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?!

Brian: NO, no I didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord! I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass.

(long pause)

DJ: We will be right back.

(advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

###

How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
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None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.

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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar, and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else.

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

###

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey y'all... Watch this!"

###

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake, and he fished from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that he seemed to spending his whole honeymoon fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea, and you know how I love to fish."

A few hours later, the guide said, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea, and you know how I love to fish."

The following day, the guide said, "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea (mouth rot), and you know how I love to fish. "

Later that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated, the guide approached the subject again. "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms, and you know how I just love to fish."

###

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

###

Two gay guys were walking down the road , after a while they came across a
mean looking dog beside the road licking his balls one of the guys said ,
" I wish I could do that!"

The other guy said , " yah ( paused ) if I were you I think I would try to
pet him first!!!"

###

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

###

Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A. "Damn."

###

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

###

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"

###

"Advice for Yankees Moving South"

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshields, which comes from yelling at other drivers.

9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

###

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

###

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents,"

The salesman was embarassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the
salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

###

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

###

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time.
"How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."
I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.
While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die.
I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything!

###

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golfcourse was and was given directions how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in mind and became confused as to whhere he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him and walked up to her. He told her
about his big meeting, the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, and asked her if she knew which hole he was playing.

She replied," I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the sixth hole." He thanked her and continued his game.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said," I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me so you must be on the 13th". Once again, he thanked her and returned to his game.

He finished his round and went to the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said," Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied " if I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't" he persisted that she should tell him.

"well if you must know," she answered "I sell Tampons"

With that he fell onto the floor and laughed so hard that he almost lost his breath.

She said " See, I know you would laugh!!"

"That's what I am laughing at," He replied," I am a toilet paper sales man, so.....I AM STILL A HOLE BEHIND YOU!!!!

###

There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they could, were unable to produce little children.
After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago.

Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air!

Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "TO BLOW OUT THAT DARN CANDLE YOU LIT!"

###

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

###

Some Gangsters were thinking of robbing a bank. They thought of the best plan that could be made and started to work. A day or two later they are able to get into the bank. There were hundreds of safes. They open the first safe and the only thing they find in there is a vanilla pudding.

The Head Gangster says "OK!" At least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They open up the second Safe and there stays another pudding. So they devoured it too.This process goes on for the rest of the day until all the safes were opened. There was no money nor jewelry. "Well," they say,"at least there is something for us to
eat".

The next day, on the news they heard: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed...."

###

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He released a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to
catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

###

Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr Watson decided to explore nature and go Camping. They set up a tent and they had an enjoyable day fishing. When night falls, they started a fire and had fish caught from the river.
Soon they were asleep in their tent. In the middle of the night ...
Sherlock holmes wakes Dr Watson up and ask him "My dear old Watson... What can you tell by looking up the sky?" Watson seeing clear bright stars and moon says "I deduce that it will be a bright fine day tomorrow."
Holmes shakes his head and replied "You disappoint me Watson ...Elementry... my dear friend ... Elementry .... from what I can see is that the tent has been stolen."

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During the ASEAN meeting, all Prime Minister of the ASEAN countries were present except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY. During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with a initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind."
Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: "I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 RP million a year. Isn't that smarter."

LKY of Singapore was not impressed and say, "I told my Land Transport Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy a old printing machine and also made SGD$50 million a year."
Everybody was taken aback and asks "What the fuck can you do with just SGD$500 only ?" And LKY replied "I use the machine to print COE !!!"

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From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Mr Drone." "Drone ! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

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A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain ?" said the counsellor, "You're still getting the same service !"

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One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband. But look at me. My husband is Foolish, Lazy and a Coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him ?"

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A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her." One of his friends asked, "And when you are angry, what do you do ?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back."

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A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out : 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him." "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

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"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem ?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful ? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

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Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you.
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one ?'

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The bride was crying. "What's the matter ?" asked her friend. "Well," she replied, "I didn't know until after the wedding that he had been married before and had five kids."
"That must have come as a shock to you."
"Yes, and my four children weren't happy either."

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"My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street." "Oh, that's terrible!"
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."

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A husband said to his wife, "Your mother has been living with us for 5 years now. Isn't it time that she got herself her own apartment ?"
"My mother ?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother."

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A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don't know, son, I never met your father's folks."

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Ah Meng had just finished a full day behind the wheel of his taxi and was walking home when an Ah Beng pulled up in a van, stuffed and filled with a group of 16 Ah Sengs.
Ah Beng told him they were going to see an X-rated movie, and if he jumped in, he would pay for Ah Meng's ticket. Not believing his good luck, Ah Meng asked, "Why me?"

The answer came back quickly. "We need one more person. There are only seventeen of us, and the newspaper ad says, 'Under 18 not admitted'."

###

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

###

WELCOME TO SINGLISH/SINGAPORE DIALECT DICTIONARY


1) Ah Then?
In other words, "isn't it obvious?"
A rhetorical question used to express disgust at the listener's stupidity in grasping the obvious.
For example:
Ah Mao: Go World Trade Centre can take 61 meh?
Ah Kow: Ah then? Of cos lah!

2) Arrow
Means: to be given a task by your superior that you don't want to do.
Can also mean that you have been allocated a task in your absence.
Example : Wow lau! My boss "arrow" me to do this job. I very pek chek lah!!
"You sabo king! Just because I never come for meeting you arrow me to do this report!"

3) Bak chew tah stamp/sai
Which literally means "eye stuck with a stamp/smeared with shit"
Connotative meaning is "very blind."
e.g. Wah liao ayy! His girlfriend so argly, bakchew tah stamp!
e.g. She so happening! He like tek ko she really bakchew tah sai!

4) Bo Eng Lah!
Meaning : Not free or can't be bothered
Aiyoh! So many things to do. Go bowling? Boh eng lah!

5) Borrow Me < p Commonly used by Singaporeans of the Ah-beng and Ah-lian species. It means "lend" and is usually used in the context of a request.
Ah-Beng: Eh, my Brylcream don't know go where. Can you borrow me your hairgel?

6) Buey tah han
Translation:(hokkien) Cannot take the pressure or cannot solve problem.
Student 1: Wahlaoeh, this exam I really buey tah han it ah. So many questions i don't know.
Student 2: Yah lor... I also want to bengsan already.

7) Can
Often used to praise someone for something specific.
Origin: Mandarin. (eg. "Ni zhen xing!")
Ah-Kow: you so fast finish your homework already har. You very the can, man!
N.B. Can also be used without "the." Eg. "Wah, you very can!"

8) Catch No Ball!
Meaning: Don't understand
Example: Can you repeat that again? I catch no ball leh!

9) cham siong
means to compromise (usually to get out of trouble)
Example: Ah Lian to an ow ka (traffic police) who is giving her a ticket: "Why like that, can cham siong or not?"

10) Cher
A quick way of calling "teacher". Most prominently heard from secondary school students.
Eg, Student A: Cher cher! Can I go to the loo?
Teacher : Go lah go lah!

11) Chiminology
Define: To describe difficult words such that one cannot understand Ah Beng: Ooi! What you say I don't understand lah, stop using those chiminology can or not!
Ah Sheng: When writing must use some chiminology, then teacher will think that I am very educated mah.

12) Diam
An english equivalant would be 'be quiet!'
For example: Diam Diam! You had better be good or mummy will
butcher
you Diam Diam is the same as Diam, except it is more serious.

13) Dom Pang
Usually used as an expression to request a favour from someone who might be going your way My bicycle broke down today, can dom pang your car to work today or not..
or Since you are going out for lunch, can I dom pang you to buy me some cheeken lice (rice)?

14) bFri-end
The Singaporean equivalent of buddy or mate, or it can be used by kids to mean 'befriend'.
Fri-end, you better not come round here anymore or else I wah-lap you or If you friend Ah kaw then I don't friend you

15) hao lian
meaning: vain beyond belief
Eg: mai hao lian lah! who's going to look at you?

16) Jia Lat!
means: very serious; prefixed with see-peh; to make it even more serious.
example: jia-lat man! Exam this time sure fail one.

17) jheelo
meaning: zero
eg: Parent yelling at his son "how come you get jheelo for this test!"

18) Jude
It 's a word commonly use by buayas(color wolf). No known sources where it is from.
It 's actual meaning is pretty or rather sweet in description of a girl (female human being).
"ooi Ah Leng!!!Look there !!!!!! you see that girl walking across the Atrium, wah-lau damn jude man !!!! "

19) Kan-cheong
Meaning: to be hurried, flustered, uptight
The MRT door heaven open yet, you so kan-cheong for whaaaat!
Now only April, November then exam, why so kan-cheong?

20) Ke Chia
Explanation: Up the lorry (literal)
Other meaning: Die!!!
Usage: Wah-piang eh! Tomorrow got test leh, haven't prepare yet, so ke Chia!!!

21) kena sai
meaning - literal "to be stained by SHIT".
Is used to comment that a person has done something to thoroughly embarass/disgrace himself
Eg. Wah liaow! His singing so terok but still action on stage, really kena sai, man!

22) Lem Bek
Meaning: To be laggi weak physically.. (Warning: Could be offensive so pls be lem bek just this once - use with care!)
Origin:(probably) Malay eg. Aiyoh ! Why he everything cannot do one..so lembek !

23)Lerf
meaning: love
Darling ah.....I lerf you for-efer you know? Donch leaf me hor?

24)On The Ball
To decribe a person for exceptionally hardworking.
Why you so on the ball, spoil the market......

25) "Or Piang"
Adjective: meaning ugly, especially for ah-lian/ah-beng category of people.
Example: Wah lau, your sister really look or piang, man.

26) Pai-seh
Meaning: Apologetic with embarassment and some shyness!
Origin: Hokkien
Examples of use: Today you pay for dinner again huh, so pai seh!
"Eh, Ah Seng fart in the lift one -- not scared of pai seh!"

27) pa-jiao
literal translation: Beat Bird
Can be dirty at time, so be careful of its usage.
English equivalent :Blind
Eg:Look at the plane in the sky!
Where?
You pa-jiao one is it! There!!!!
Oh There!

28) Sa Kah
Meaning : to flatter someone, get into someone's good book.
Eg. I know you want to get good grades, but for goodness sake, not sa kah untill like that lah!

29) Sart
meaning: so shiok you feel almost invincible
Wah! You very sart, ah! Win lottery now can spend! Can lend me money or not?

30) See-Buay
English Trans. : VERY!!!!!
Usage : Usually used by trueblue singaporeans to replace the "colonial scums'" word , VERY. This highly versatile replacement can be used in almost any sentance which requires the word, very.
Best used with other singlish words, like siong, sian, jia lat, etc...
E.Gs : Wah lau!! That 5bx see-buay siong ah!!! Can die!!!
Kar-n*-**!!
Miss Chin's philo lecture see-buay sian! Almost hung myself!!!
Eh! Ah Gao! You got buy the flower for Ah Huay or not?? Don't have, ah!!See-buay jialat!!!
CAUTION!! : Even though this wonderful word is fairly versatile, new users should be warned that there are some instances where a replacement may be inappropiate.
For example, see-buay euphonious just doesn't kick!Or like Ah Gao would say.. see-buay buay kam!!

31) see gin nah
Meaning : "see" meaning die in hokkien "gin nah" meaning children or kids in hokkien
Used to scold someone who got you in trouble, sabo you ,did you injustice or just simply irritates you!
example:"see gin nah, you. Try to be funny right? Wait till I get my hands on you."

32) Seik bai
Origin: Cantonese
English equivalent: mission failed
Usage: usually use to describe a failure or loser.
e.g. Sooo simple job also cannot do you relly seik bai no.

33) Siao Liao
1st meaning: crazy, out of his mind
Eg. I think he siao liao, so on for what? Never ask you to do you still go and do!!
2nd meaning: expression used before or after `disaster'.
A.k.a. die lah!
Eg. This time siao liao! Got assignment to hand in tomorrow still haven't do!

34) Solid siah!
Meaning: Simply great, superb!
For example,
Ah Mao: Did you watch the football match last night?
Ah Kow: Got lar! That Fandi Ahmad dem _solid siah! That beautiful

35) Spoil The Market
Meaning: Raise the standard (of something) to an unacceptably high level.
Example: His project do until so solid ... spoil the market only!

36) Swah-ku
Origin: Hokkien word
Translation: mountain tortise.
Meaning: To tell someone that he/she is not well inform or not knowledgeable.
Example:What!Aiyah,sooo simple you also do'nt know. So very swah-ku one!

37) Tok Kong
Meaning Very Good or Very Solid.
Ah Beng1 " you see her legs..Tok Gong man !"
Ah Beng2 " No..her body more Tok Gong !"
Ah Beng3 " No Lah...what u talking, that one is my Mother Lah.!"

38) Tum-Sim
Meaning: Greedy.
You know that you're tum-sim when:
1.You buy $1.50 rojak and ask for all tow-pok and yew char kuay.
2.You pay $80 for a trip to Phuket and demand they serve lobsters.
3.You don't pay attention to discounts less than 40%.
4.You will buy 12 ovaltines to get 1 free. (And redeem the gift hankerchief at the counter)
5.You rent out your 3-bedroom apartment to 12 people.
6.Your picture is hung at the Marina seafood center with the words "do not admit" embossed on it.
7.Your income tax returns is $1.27 and you insist the government should sell you Telecoms shares at a discount.
8.You pay 60 cents for a bus trip from Mandai to Pasir Ris.
9.You want to pay $10 for a COE and expect the road to have no traffic jams.
10.You bought a $4.50 T-shirt from Chinatown and ask for a written warranty.

39) Wah piang eh
meaning: what the heck. (similiar 2 wah lah)
aid when the person is frustrated.
example: wah piang eh! So s-way ah. Why I always kanna tekan?

40) WENLA
Expresion which implies that something will not happen, as in the conversation below:
A: Hey, do you think it will rain?
B: Aiyah, WENLA!

41) Siam
to mean get out of the way or having avoided something unpleasant E.g. Siam! Siam! Shio ah! (use by the hawker)
E.g. Neng tiao (officer) call seow eh wash toylet. Wa boh kenna, Siam tiok see pei heng ah!
You Thought (another version)
Sargeant : Ooi.. You *(^^(#*&^^. What the *&(*& are you doing here!
You're suppose to be prowling not sleeping.
Private : I thought Ah Kao was on the prowl now.
Sargeant : Yes, You thought, I think, Who confirm?.

42) Z-Monster
Meaning: An army term used with relation to being sleepy.
Usage: SGT: Recruit, cannot fight the Z-monster,right?
Recruit: No!! SGT!!!!!!!
SGT: Ne'ber mind,go and support the wall.

###

a few thoughts on marriage


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man met a genie. The genie told him he could have whatever he wanted provided that his mother-in-law gets
double. The man thought for a moment and then said, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine
says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
His father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" His wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 20 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.

A guy went to a party without his wife. He heard another guy say to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thought this sort of speech is a good idea.
The next morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he said to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
His wife excitedly asked, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
He replied, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned, but then smiled, "It really works!"

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

###

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if he can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, & a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.

"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him.

The man asks, " What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."

###

On an airplane a man says to the stewardess 'I'll give you $5000 if I can bite your breast'. The stewardess is scared and goes to the captain and tells him about this. But the captain says
'$5000? Why not? Go for it!'. So she sits on the man's lap and he starts undressing her, touching her, fondling her, kissing her ... (you name it). After ten minutes (or so) the stewardess becomes impatient and says 'Would you please bite my breast now?' But the man says 'Oh no, that's too expensive'.

###

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfrind grabs his clothes and and jumps out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The nuddy answered breathessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining."

###

There was this contruction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building ... He needed a hand saw but was lazy to go down and get it himself.
So he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give sign so the guy on the ground so the guy on the ground could understand him. So first he pointed at his eyes ( meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need", and move his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started shaking his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy "You
idiot, I was trying to said, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am comming..."".

###

A lady went to see the amazing Dr. Swiggam, because she'd heard he did wonderful things with exercise to increase bust size. And indeed, Dr. Swiggam gave her an exercise to practice. He encouraged her to use rhythm in her practice; that is to exercise while reciting a little poem to keep her focused and encouraged. The exercise was simply to raise her arms, placing her knuckles together in front of her, then stretch back with her elbows as far as she could, then bring her knuckles together again, while chanting this poem: "Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece was white as snow.
If I do this ten times a day, My breasts are sure to grow!" One day, the lady got on the bus to go to work, and realized she'd forgotten to do her exercise. She looked around, and decided the bus was too crowded for anyone to notice her, so discreetly, she performed the exercise. She blushed when she noticed a handsome man staring at her, and was grateful her stop was next. As she exited the bus, the handsome man exited, too, and said, "Excuse me, miss. Are you a patient of Dr. Swiggam?" "Why, yes!" said the lady, "How did you know?" Stamping his foot, the man answered, "Hickory, dickory, dock..."

###

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered". "I think libarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon " When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered". The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electrians, all their organs are color coded". The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

###

The Nun Weekend

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes.
Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?"
She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then
says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out.
By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at
heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the
holy water."
She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05