Jokes page 11

 

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

###

As an old, downtrodden man walks through heaven, he encounters Jesus. Seeing the man's sadness Jesus asks, "Who are you old man and why are you so unhappy?" The old man then replies: "I am a carpenter and am sad because I have searched heaven for many years and have not found my beloved adopted son." Tears now welling in Jesus' eyes he reaches out to the man and says "Father?" To which the old man replies: "Pinocchio?"

###

There was a man sitting in his living room watching TV when his dog enters the room and drops to the floor. The man rushes over to him and, believing he might be close to death, picks him up and takes him to the vet. He runs into the vet office screaming "Please help me Dr. I think my dog may be dying." The vet tells him, "Lay him on the floor and we'll run some tests." The man puts the dog on the floor and the vet brings out a big box and places it next to the dog. Out of the box come 3 cats. They start running in circles around the dog. The dog doesn't move. The cats return to the box. The vet says to the man, "I'm sorry sir, your dog is dead. That will be $250."
The man says $250 for what!" The vet replies, "$50 for the visit and $200 for the cat scan."

###

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field if hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

###

The following took place recently.....this is a true account Power 98FM (Singapore), the Safra English radio station, were holding a live radio segment at Tiong Bahru Plaza. The DJ was hosting a game show where
prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender (sex) of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl.
"What's your name girl & how old are you?"
"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."
"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite gender of cow?"
"Bull."
"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a barbie doll for u. Ladies& gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."
The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed
with this kid as he was very clever & articulate for the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced," My name is Bernard Ow. I am 7 years old and I study in Guangyang Primary School. I like English, Maths & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers." The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him.
His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.
"OK, Bernard, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite gender of cock?"
The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "chee-by!"
(It was noticed that after the show, Bernard's parents were nowhere to be found)

###

Scene: It'a a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (incredulous pause)
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf:" What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit:" I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves." (loud guffaws)
Wolf:" you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit:" No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit:" I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd!
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"
As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.
Moral:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.
In the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU

###

Scene: It'a a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.
Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox: "Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws will only destroy it even more"
Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed" (incredulous pause)
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed".
The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"(loud guffaws)
Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you?. There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV"
Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.
Scene: Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral:
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A SUPERVISOR IS FAMOUS LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS STUDENTS.
In the context of the working world:
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

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A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move."
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back." The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the first class section, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.

Slightly amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the Captain,
"Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?" The captain grinned slyly and said,

###

"I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York." Dr. Theresa Bowling handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Don't swallow these pills," Dr. Bowling said. "Instead, spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one.”
Toddlers' Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
AND dare you dispute them. I tell my mummy.

###

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone.

A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave the house.
I watch house.
He comes to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with ME.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a couple of sips from it and then sits it down on the bar. A little monkey walks up and dips his butt in it. The man complains to the bartender, so the bartender gives him a free beer. He drinks some of it then puts it back down on the bar. Along comes the monkey again and dips his butt in it. He tells the bartender that the monkey dipped his butt in his beer again and the bartender says, "Sorry, but it's the piano player's monkey, and if he does it again, you'll have to go and talk to the piano player about it." The bartender gives him another beer. The monkey comes up and dips his butt in the beer again. The guy gets really mad, and goes over to the piano player. He says to the piano player, "Do you know your monkey has been dipping his butt in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few lines, I could probably catch on."

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Two guys, Bill and Ted, were always having competitions to prove "who was best." One day Bill tells Ted that he can pack a parachute better. They decide to do a jump with identical gear to see if they can resolve the issue. Bill jumps first, gets to terminal and pulls/throws to get a perfect chute. Ted jumps next, tries to deploy
his main and gets... nothing. He goes for his reserve...... nothing. Bill is floating under his chute when Ted
goes screaming by. At this point Bill pulls his cut off handle yelling "So you want to have a race, do you!?"

###

A Bad Day at United Airlines

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being mart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

###

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

###

Have you ever noticed that married men are always fatter than the single ones?
Know why?
The singles open the door of the refrigerator see what's in it and go to bed.
The married ones see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

###

Reporter
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs.Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts." The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!" The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her (.)(.) "

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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the Mom.
"Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked.
His daughter replied, " I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly.
I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, & the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.
For Christs sake "What are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "Why you yelling? What does it look like I'm doing?", shouted the Dad. "I am having a beer and watching the game with my new fucking son-in-law!"

###

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.
The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says, "nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

###

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you
are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be an attorney."

###

To Achieve Your Dreams, Remember Your A-Z

A-void negative sources, people, things and habits.
B-elieve in yourself.
C-onsider things from every angle.
D-on't give up and don't give in.
E-njoy life today: yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.
F-amily and Friends are hidden treasures. Seek them and enjoy their
riches.
G-ive more than you planned to give.
H-ang on to your dreams.
I-gnore those who try to discourage you.
J-ust do it!
K-eep on trying, no matter how hard it seems. It will get better.
L-ove yourself first and foremost.
M-ake it happen.
N-ever lie, cheat, or steal. Always strike a fair deal.
O-pen your eyes and see things as they really are.
P-ractice makes perfect.
Q-uitters never win and winners never quit.
R-ead, study and learn about everything important in your life.
S-top procrastinating.
T-ake control of your own destiny.
U-nderstand yourself in order to better understand others.
V-isualize it.
W-ant it more than anything.
X-ccelerate your efforts.
Y-ou are unique of all the Nature's creations. Nothing can replace you.
Z-ero in on your target, and go for it!!

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National Day is just around the corner.... and since we have to watch the MTV on Community Songs, here's a way to make it more enjoyable...
sing along as follows (especially if you like karaoke!)


Count Money, Singapore
======================
We have a revision of pay tomorrow
Just release, just release
We have a poorer Singapore
We won't receive, we won't receive

You and me, we have to part
With our CPF for a start
We have to show the world that we take less money
We won't receive, we won't receive

There is nothing down the road that we can look for
We were told a dream that we could never try for

There's a spirit in the air
That seven month feelings we all share
We're gonna build a better after-life for you and me
We were deceived, we were deceived

Count money, Singapore
Count money, Singapore
Count on me to give my salary and more
Count money, Singapore

You and me
We'll do our part, give our kidneys and our hearts
We're gonna show the world how to GIRO our body
We can't resist, we can't resist

Count money, Singapore
Count money, Singapore
Count on me to give my life and more
Count money, Singapore

We can resist together Singapore
Vote wisely eight years more
We can resist together Singapore
Vote wisely eight years more
We can resist together Singapore
Count on me to give my vote and more

Together Singapore, Singapore X3


We Are Singapore
================
There was a time when people said our CPF won't increase....
But it did
There was a time when we stopped at 2, didn't seem to need
MoreChildren....
But we did.

We've built a nation all confused....
Reaching out together, for hope and sanity

This is my country,
This is my luck,
There's a SDU, to choose my wife
There's a ISD, to guard my life,
We are Singapore, Singaporeans

Singapore my homeland, it's here that we went wrong
People undecided which rule to carry on
We've been thru all the changes, these fickle policies
Singapore Forever, a ROJAK Company

We are Singapore, We can endure more
Pull the belts all tighter, hear the stomachs roar
We are Singapore, We can endure more
We're a nation paying fines forevermore

It is your duty to have more kids
To smoke and spit, put you in shit
To drop a litter, must pay a fine
We are Singapore, marxist in disguise.

###

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have something very important to tell you. I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan." After supper, George's dad took him aside for a little chat. "Son, I have bad news for you," he confessed. "When I was young I used to fool around with women a lot, and Susan is actually your half sister. I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was terribly broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. And a year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

There was nothing left but for George to feel so much anger and grief. He decided to see his mother about his problems. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained.
"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl's my half sister." With tears in her eyes and with so much hesitation, his mother said, "George, don't pay any attention to what your dad says. As you see, I did some fooling around myself, and he's not really your father."

###

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

###

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

###

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

###

There was a VERY old man who was staying at a very nice hotel. As he was walking through the lobby he saw a very attractive older woman.
Knowing that his life was short, he figured he would take a chance, and proposition the woman. He walked up and said to the woman, "
I have never done this before, but I find you very attractive, and wonder if I paid you $100 would you come up to my room and have sex with me?".

Well the woman was quite surprised, but looked at the old man and figured that he would be harmless, and unable to perform, so she agreed. They went to his room, and needless to say, the old mans performance truly amazed her, and was not what she expected.
When done, the old man was paying her, and said," Had I known you were a virgin, I never would have propositioned you, OR would have offered you more money".
The woman replied, " That's ok, had I known you would be able to get it up, I would have pulled my pantyhose down!".

###

Did you know that ADIDAS was a acronym? Stands for ----- All Day I Dream About Sex.
Think about that every time you see a adidas label !!

###

FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

###

A man was walking across the road when he met an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness.

When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully :
You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."

She squeezed his hands as he continued :
"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."

He continued :
"Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."

"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me..."

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband : "And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...There's something I'll really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion.

He said, "I think you bring me bad luck..."

###

One evening after leaving the theatre, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well dressed and attractive lady walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I would give you $50.00 to spend the night with her." To their suprise she overheard their remark and turning around, she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice. So bidding his friend goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment where they immediately went to bed. The following morning, the man presented her with a $25.00 bill and prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the amount saying, "If you do not pay me the balance, I shall sue you for it". He laughed and said, "I'll like to see you get it on the grounds."
He was suprised when he receive a summon to appear in court as a defendant for the balance and damaged cost. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the affair. However, the lawyer said that she had not the possibility of getting the judgement, but it would be very interesting to see how the case was presented in court.
After the usual prelimineries, the lady's lawyer adressed the court as follows :-

"Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shubbery, which she agreed to lend to the defendant for a specific length of time for $50.00. The defendant took possesion of the property and used it extensively for the purpose of which it was rented, but on vacating the premises he paid only $25.00 one half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not exccesive, since it was a restricted property." Therefore, she asked for judgement against the defendant.
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amazed at the way his opponent presented the case. His defendance was somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. "Your honour,"
He said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that she rented the property for a while and that a certain amount of pleasure was derived from that transaction. However, my client found a well around which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump. All labour was personally performed by him. We claim that those improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount. The paintiff was edequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask for the claim to be
dismissed."
The young lady's lawyer came back with this. "Your honour, he said, my client agrees that the defendant did make improvements as declared.

However, had the defendant known the well existed, he would have not rented the property. Also, on vacating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. On doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left a hole much larger than it was prior to his occupance, making it easily accesable to little children. We therefore ask for judgement."

JUDGEMENT :- Judgement reserved pending a visit to the property.
(After visiting the property)

Judge : Defendant is ordered to pay for damages and costs as claimed within 24 hours after which time if payment is not made. He will be thrown into the well with his stones and shaft and will be required to do the pumping of the well at the leisure of the plantiff.

###

One day, three men got into an airplane and decided to fly around the world. When they flew over France, one of the men dropped a blue star out of the window and said 'I love my country.'
When they fly over Japan, another of the men drops a red star and says 'I love my country.
However, when they fly over the US, the third man drops a granade and says 'I hate my country.'
When they land in France, they see a little boy crying, and they ask him what happened. He says "A blue star fell on my daddy's head and now he's dead."
When they land in Japan, they see another little boy crying.
Upon asking him what happened, he says "A red star fell on my daddy's head and now he's dead." When they land in America, the three men see a little boy laughing.
They ask him what happened, and he says "My daddy farted and the house blew up."

###

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

###

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular and I always lost it."

The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible", says the bartender "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

###

Once upon a time there lived a king, (very typical, I noe.....) the king had a beautiful daughter, everything the girl touched would melt. No matter wat, metal, wood, plastic, etc , everything she touched would melt! For this men were afraid of her and nobody would marry her. One day a wizard told the king, "If ur daughter touch
anyone thing that would not melt in her hands, her symtom will be cured". The king was overjoyed. The next day he held a competition, any man that can bring her daughter 1 object that would not melt gets to marry her and inherit the kings wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! the prince went away sad. the 2nd one brought a kind of very hard alloy, but the same thing happened.....so he too went away.
the 3rd one brought a packet of something, this time.....Tada! it did not melt!!! the king was overjoyed!!!and the 3rd prince live happliy with the princess ever after........

Question: wat was the object?
Rack ur brains........... (scroll down for ans)


Ans: M&Ms Chocolate, melts in ur mouth not in ur hand!

###

A tall story. (For Singapore)

Please go into your pocket and search for a $1 coin, and take a good look at it - I had done so this morning in the toilet !
It is round, no doubt, but has a unique Octagonal design - which is a symbolic figure in Chinese Geomancy or feng shui. This is where the story of this coin begins.

1. On the island of Singapore, lives a very influential man named LKY (Lee Kuan Yew). He is very particular about feng shui, ie, man's balance with nature. There is a particular day and also the time of the day to inaugurate an important event. There is also a particular colour of his dressing , when it comes to important occasions, and so on. He has a feng shui mentor in the person of a famous monk, a particular Venerable who died recently. LKY would seek the advice of this Venerable, whenever he has to make an important decision.
2. The $1 coin comes into circulation at the time of the MRT construction on the island ( can check date if you have doubts ).
It goes that the Venerable had advised LKY that MRT tunnelling work will be bad for the feng shui of the island, its prosperity, etc. Firmed on pushing ahead with the project, LKY asked if there is anything that could be done to circumvent the bad feng shui. Yes, replied the Venerable, but it may be impossible to implement. LKY to the Venerable - please speak. The Venerable said that EVERY household on this island must have or must display a `pak kwa' or a symbolic Octagonal ( 8 sided) object.
Oh no, there will definitely be racial riots ! How could LKY force every household to have a `pak kwa' at home? Hey hey said the wise LKY - EVERYBODY will like to have as many `pak kwas' as possible, and the $1 coin was born !
4. This may sound ridiculous, but it is for you to think about it ! How? believe or not.....???

###

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

###

There was once this man who was so obessed with having sex that he decided to go to a monastery, where he will not be able to have sex. After 2 months at the monastery, the man could not endure anymore and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went to see the abbott. I really need to have sex today, really I see, you are having the same problem as all the others when they just got here. OK, there is this barrel at the summit of the hill behind the monastery, there is a hole in the middle of the barrel, go there and get yourself a good screw.
The man immediately went up the hill and true enough, there was this barrel with a hole in the middle. He then went on to screw the barrel and enjoyed himself throughly.
After another 2 months, the man was tempted to have sex again, he went to see the abbott
Abbott, I need to have sex again, what should I do?
You are really desperate huh?? OK, remember the barrel on the hill, go there and get yourself a good screw.
The man immediately rushed up the hill to screw the barrel and again, left satisified.
Another 2 months past and the man wanted to have sex again, he rushed to see the abbott again.
Abbott, I need it again, what should I do
(Abbott checking his file) I'm afraid you can't use the barrel today son.
Why not Abbott????
Its your turn today to be in the barrel......

###

Now the female version:

There was once this woman who was so obessed with having sex that she decided to go to a nunnery, where she will not be able to have sex.

After 2 months at the monastery, the woman could not endure anymore and wanted to have sex real bad, so she went to see the chief nun.
Chief, I really need to have sex today, really I see, you are having the same problem as all the others when they just got here. OK, here is a toy gun, go back to your room, take of all your clothes and stand in front of the mirror. Next use the toy gun to shoot once at your image in the mirror.
The woman immediately went back to her room, strip in front of he mirror and gave the image a shot with the toy gun. True enough, she felt real shiok after that.
After another 2 months, the woman was tempted to have sex again, he went to see the Chief
Chief, I need to have sex again, what should I do
You are really desperate huh?? OK, remember the gun and the method I thought you the other time , go back to your room and give yourself 2 shots with the toy gun.
The woman immediately rushed back to her room, strip in front of the mirror and gave herself 2 shots with the toy gun, she felt fulfiled after that.
Another 2 months past and the woman wanted to have sex again, this time she was really desperate and just barged into the Chief's room.
In front of her she saw the Chief Nun, naked in front of the mirror, and was firing away with a toy machine gun....... (FX : TTTRRRRRRRRRRRRR)

###

There was once a prince and his dog, whom were stranded on an island. One day, the prince was really desperate and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find a woman or something to satisify him, after one long day of search, he found nothing, except for a barrel. So with that, he poked a hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisified. Ever since then, he used that to fulfil his sexual desires.

One day, his dog, have the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the method that its master have been using. So the two of them used the barrel until they died.

About 50 years later, the island was founded by a group of nuns and they built a nunnery there. One day the chief nun found a certain barrel which contained a loadful of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day, a nun got naughty and decided to satisify herself with the candles. She throughly enjoyed herself from that. However 10 months later, she rushed into the chief nun's room, Chief, I've got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 10
months ago and now I have a baby.
The Chief Nun then replied, "You're more fortunate my child, I've got a puppy........."

###

Two fellows were in hospital beds awaiting plastic surgery. One said to the other "Gee , your face is a mess. What happened?".

The other bloke replied "Car accident. Anyway you're no oil painting yourself what happened to you?".

The second patient said "Honeymoon".

The first fella said "How did you do that on your honeymoon?".

The damaged groom said "Well it was the third day of our post nuptials, so we decided to leave the suite and check out the resort we were staying at.

The new wife is quite a keen golfer so we elected to play 18 holes".

Did she belt you with the club ?" asked the inquisitive patient.

"No , No " said the husband "Everything was just fine until we arrived at the 16th tee. The wife hit a terrible hook shot over the boundary fence and into this cattle stud next door. Well , she wanted to look for the ball so we both jumped the fence and started looking for it. Anyway after ten minutes searching we still hadn't found it. So I started poking around in the cow pats that were lying everywhere".

"Did you find it then" his mate asked.

"Not immediately , but I noticed one cow was not swishing its tail. So I thought I'd check it out. I lifted the tail of the cow and there was a golf ball jammed right in the crack of the cows arse. It was the same number as the wife was playing. I pointed at the cows bum and yelled to the wife 'This looks like yours darling', and I woke up here in hospital".

###

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle
-a perfect night for romance!
Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the guy, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig.
They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze;perfect for a night of romance.
The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned toward the girl and and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

###

Sometime in the late 80's there was this international conference on Communication.

As usual there was some arguments on who is great:

French: In france, we dug dug dug, found a Aluminium wire, so old days itself we had communication through aluminium wires. So France is great.

Russian: In russia, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug , found a Copper wire,so old days itself we had communication through copper wires. So russia is great.
Englishman: In Britian, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and dug dug dug ,found a Brass wire, so old days itself we had communication through brass wires. So Britian is great.
American: In US, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and dug dug dug and dug dug dug , found a Gold wire, so old days itself we had communication through gold wires. So US is great.
Finally Indian breaks the silence: In Great India, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and dug dug dug and dug dug dug but found no wire. So in good old days itself we had wireless communication. So India is the GREATEST!


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05