Jokes page 10
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of who told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visits a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
A man is to be the keynote speaker at a large meeting. He's seated right next to the lectern and is having breakfast with the other bigwigs. He's due to speak in twenty minutes. Suddenly, he bites on a piece of bone in his sausage and his upper denture splits down the middle! The man on his right sees that he's in great distress and asks what's wrong. The speaker tells him that his upper denture just broke and he's in a panic.
"Oh my God! What am I going to do? My upper denture just broke and I have to give a speech now." he says, with his napkin over his mouth.
The man next to him says, "Look, don't panic. I've got some dentures in my pocket. Bend down behind the table cloth like you dropped something, and try this denture on for size."
The guy tries the denture but says, mumbling, "No good, it's too tight" Oh s--t, what am I going to do?" The man next to him says, "Wait, I've got another denture. Try it, too. Bend down behind the tablecloth and I'll give it to you." The speaker tries the second denture, but it's too loose.
Again, "Oh my God, this is awful, what am I going to do???" The fellow next to him says, "Don't give up yet, I've got one more denture."
The speaker tries the third denture and is amazed to find that it fits pretty well. He straightens up, looks at his neighbor and says, "I'll be damned, it fits! I don't believe this. I'm going to be able to do my talk! Oh Doctor, you saved my life. Imagine sitting next to a dentist at a time like this! I'm so grateful."
The other guy replied, "Dentist? Who's a dentist? I'm not a dentist. I'm a mortician!
There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and NUS. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired.
All applicants agreed that this was fair. The next day, the first applicant
called in was from Harvard.
Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink." "Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked him, then called in next person.
The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was and after hesitating for a brief electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the young man from NUS was called in. He, too, was asked, "What
is the fastest thing in the world?" "That's easy..." he
replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!" Rather stunned,
the president asked, "Why do you say that?" "Well, last
night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach
cramps, and before I could THINK............. ,BLINK............ , or
TURN ON THE LIGHTS...................., I shit all over myself!!!!!"
A man walks into a pub and buys three pints of Guinness, takes them to
a table and sits down. For the next hour or so he sits there taking a
sip out of each glass in turn. Eventually the bar man can't suppress his
curiosity any longer so he goes over and asks "Why did you buy three
pints for yourself and why are you drinking them all at the same time."
"I'm from a very close family" replied the man "And once
a week my two brothers and I used to go to a pub and have a pint of Guinness
The barman goes over "I'd like to say on behalf of myself and the rest of the staff how sorry we are at the loss of one of your brothers." "Oh, my brothers are fine" says the man "it's just I've given up drinking."
In the heart of Texas, far away from city there is a farmhouse. In this farmhouse lived a family of four; the father, mother and two young brothers.
One evening, a car passed by and broke down in front of the farmhouse. The lady driver have no choice but to approach the farmhouse owner for a overnight stay until daylight to can see what happened to her car.
The farmer agreed on the condition that the lady should only stay in
her room for the night and do not disturb anybody especially his two young
While the lady was trying to sleep, she hear the boys next door playing and being far away from the city for such a long time, she has a strong sexual urge and getting horny.
Quietly she make her way to the boys room. When the boys saw the lady, they will very curious. The only woman they have seen is only their mother. The lady said to the boys: "Boys do you want to try some grow up game which is exciting and enjoyable?". The boys nodded. The lady took 2 condoms and put on for the boys. The lady said to the boys :"At all times, do not take this out or else I will be pregnant. Is this understood?" and the boys nodded again.
For the night, they have a wonderful time and the lady left the next morning after repairing her car.
Fifty year later, in the same farmhouse in the heart of Texas. Now the two brother have become grew old. They sat on their rocking chair infront of their farmhouse talking and recalling of the good old times.
The younger brother asked the older brother if he still remember the lady driver that sneaked into their room and give them their first sexual experience and does he have any feeling for her. The older brother reply:"So what? Let forget about her as it has been such a long time".
Happily, the younger brother said:"OK. Then we should take out the condom and don't care if she is pregnant." Happily they took out their 50 year old condom......
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"
All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.
"Lil' Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.
He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the Head man do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most challenging. Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of
the hottest city in the world!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering
phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president... ...Getting
involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic!"
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out the information form below and send it back to the White House at firstname.lastname@example.org
How many beers it takes to get you...
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
Score 1 point for each A, 2 for each B, 3 for each C, and 4 for each D. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Bill wants you !
Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"
The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"
"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this
"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too."
After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"
Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"
"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Why is Kissing Good for You?
It's Good for you because...
...it relieves tension. A passionate kiss is a great relaxation technique,
says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. "
...it helps you lose weight. "A long kiss makes the metabolism burn up sugar faster than usual," says Claire Potter. "The calories burned depend on the intensity, but u can rely on 10 calories for every 10 minutes."
...it slows the ageing process. "Kissing helps to tone ur cheek and jaw muscles, so they're less likely to sag," says Cosmo's Fitness Consultant, Claire Potter.
...it increases fitness levels. Your heart is pumping, your pulse is racing..."If kissing is exciting, you release adrenaline into the bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body," says Dr Susan Hotchkies. "It's a great cardiovascular workout."
...it is a good indication of what's to come. Kissing a new man gives you the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones - the chemical messengers that signal sexual attraction. " The first kiss is always a good way to work out if there's any chemistry between you, "says Paul Brown, a sexual and marital therapist. " In humans, it's thought that smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your pheromones aren't 'in tune', you're unlikely to hit off in other areas."
...it boosts self - esteem. There's nothing better than a passionate kiss for a major dose of feel - good factor. " In theory, when u're kissing, you're happy. And when you're happy, you feel good about yourself,"says psychotherapist Paul Zeal.
(doesn't it make you feel like kissing someone now?)
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Father Robert went up to Father Joseph one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Joseph was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Robert was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Joseph, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Joseph's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Robert was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Joseph was amazed at Robert's brilliance. And so, Robert went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Joseph answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.
A while later, their places were reversed as Joseph came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Robert answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Joseph was shocked. "What about our agreement??"
Robert replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."
A drunk was in front of a judge.
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office.
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls.
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker.
Forget the hatchback and buy a big Volvo estate. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front corridor. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out.
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is spilled over the floor.
And remember: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children!
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're screwed."
It's the Spring of 1957 and Johnny goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
Susie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?, he says. "Uh, thank you, sir. " says Johnny. Susie's father asks Johnny what they're planning to do. Johnny replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Susie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. "Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Johnny, so he asks Susie's Dad to repeat it.
Yeah, says Susie's father, "Susie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, Johnny doesn't quite know what to think, but his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Susie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Johnny escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Susie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams: "Dammit Daddy! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.
The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
A Word of Warning
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
Thank you and good luck.
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?".
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
ROME?! Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?".
We're taking TWA, the man replies.
TWA?! yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?".
The man says "We'll be at the Downtown International Marriot."
That DUMP?! says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?".
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.".
HA! That's rich! laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!".
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!".
No, quite the opposite explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on
Hmmm, Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.".
No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!.
Well, Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!".
Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.".
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?".
Oh, not much really. Just Where'd you get that awful haircut?".
A man travelling on a train asked the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
This train doesn't stop at Victoria, its the express
You're joking!, I need to get off at Victoria
Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria
There must be something you can do
Well there is one thing
What, anything, I need to get off
Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform"
My god, will that work?
Its worth a try.
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running! The man is running in mid air. "Run faster! Run faster!"
The ticket collector lowers the man down. The mans feet touch the platform! Smoke flies off his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life!
The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph! He's made it, he begins to slow down. He's still running at 20mph alongside the train as the other passengers watch in amazement.
As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train. As he's being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say. "Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesn't even stop at Victoria!"
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know wh
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending
a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle
whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds
to batter and bash the teakettle
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" "Mary, can you tell me?"
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lily put up her hand.
Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
Linda, said the teacher, "can you give me a four-letter word that stands for intercourse and ends with a K?
Oh, sir, you are really too much! interjected Linda. "I will have to report you to the principal for trying to make me say a dirty word."
The teacher was really surprised. He said, "What's so dirty about the word "TALK"?"
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous, and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his children wouldn't pay attention to him.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.
1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.
2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two.
3). Drop your skirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three.
This is easy, what's the fuss? Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.
4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh thats a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.
5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.
6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six.
This is way to easy I'll have lots of time for AOL.
7). Vacuum the carpets...... Thats a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN? Scratch seven.
8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go to? YESSSS Scratch eight !!!!!!
9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time.
10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on AOL. Scratch ten.
11). Fold laundry..... dang. Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear ?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven.
12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve.
This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???
13). Water the Christmas tree... Ooop's! Good thing the carpet is absorbent! Scratch thirteen.
14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen.
15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen. Wonder who's on AOL, Awww, I have plenty of time.
16). Make dinner..... Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow." Scratch sixteen.
17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen.
WOW all done. Still time for some AOL & a nap....... Man this is sooooo easy.
Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're
An 80 year old chap, Victor, visits the doctor with his wife after suffering a week of pain in his groin. He is very deaf and takes his wife everywhere to decifer conversations.
After the general examination the doctor turns to them and says, "Well,Victor, I can't find anything immediately wrong with you, I will have to do some tests."
The doc takes a blood sample and then says "Good, now if you'll leave samples of urines, semen and faeces with the receptionist on your way out I can hopefully work out what the problem is".
Eh?? says deaf old Victor.
Please leaves samples of urines, faeces and semen on your way out sir!
Then his exasperated wife steps forward and yells "JUST LEAVE YOUR PANTS AT RECEPTION!
A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"
The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your hand
on the table here."
The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his hand with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Billy says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Billy could open his mouth, Jennifer said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Jennifer. You can go".
Johnny was MAD. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Johnny was even MADDER than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Monica said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Monica. You can go".
Johnny was BOILING MAD. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these women would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
1. Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?
9. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he its whacked?
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?
Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and were
only allowed to write their memos to each other until they were twenty-one.
How old do you think someone should be before they can E-MAIL?
Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL,
is this legal?
Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL prematurely?
Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions become
Safety tips for men who visit XXX websites
1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The offices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex shows.
3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place to cool your "heat of (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience)
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling the keys" with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive!
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose----how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.
The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
In Las Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.
Out pops a coke.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Get your own machine, can't you see I'm winning??"
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take
it down or put a reference to it's origin.
But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!
Last Updated: 02.06.05