Jokes page 9

 

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence.
Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit.
Little Frankie,
your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit.

Little Johnny, it's your turn."Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"

###

Friendship is really a matter of time, the time that it takes you to do a thoughtful and generous favor that wasn't expected of you, The time that it takes just to answer a call, To let someone know that you're there.
Friendship is really a matter of time...... The time that you take when you care.

Amanda Bradley

###

I looked to you
so many times
to see your happy smiles,
I've come to you for company,
to talk a little while.....
I've laughed with you
and shared with you
a world of special things.....
I've learned from you the precious joys
that only FRIENDSHIP brings.

###

Once eleven ants went walking around down at Scarborough Beach.
They got a bit bored and so eventually went to McDonalds to get a bit of a feed. Then they caught the elevator in Observation City up to the top floor to see what they could see. Anyway as the door of the elevator opened up to the top floor a Security Guard came walking along and saw them.
"No, No" he said, "One of you must leave!"
"Why?" came the reply from the ants.
The guard stood silently and pointed to a sign ...ONLY TENANTS ALLOWED !!

###

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was laying in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you
to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him."But why?" croaks the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her
and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob

###

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!"

###

Attempt the following questions on "WHO IS BIGGER? before scrolling down for the answers.

Read the instructions below before attempting:

1. If you answer the first question correctly, your IQ is of Mensa standard.

2. If you answer the second question correctly, your IQ is above average and could run a country.

3. If you have both the answers wrong - Congratulations! You are normal! Comforting, isn't it?


Part 1

There is a man whose surname is BIGGER. His name was John and he was known as Mr John Bigger. Mr Bigger met a
gorgeous lady, Lucy and decided to marry her. They soon have a kid and they named him Mikky.

The question: WHO IS BIGGER? Is it Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger or Mikky???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: Mikky - becos' he is a "little" Bigger.


Part 2
It was tragic that Mr Bigger got into an accident and he passed away leaving behind his wife, his son Mike. Mrs
Bigger subsequently met a new man; dashing and caring towards both of them. The best part was that this man bears the same surname as her ex-husband which was "BIGGER". She decided to marry him.

The question: WHO IS BIGGER? Is it Mrs Bigger, Mike Bigger or the new man in Mrs Bigger's life - the new Mr Bigger?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Answer: Mrs Bigger - She is now "twice" Bigger.

###

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're
gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

###

One day, a Sardarji gets a new born child. So he starts filling the birth certificate. At the same time, a couple who are touring India, meet him and congratulate him on getting a son.
The sardarji is very happy. The next day, the couple go to Delhi. There they find the very same sardarji writing the very same form. The puzzled couple go to the sardarji and ask him "Sardar Bhai, yesterday,
We saw you at Mumbai filling the same certificate, but today you are here?" Sardarji says "I came here because on the certificate it said
WRITE IN CAPITAL"

###

The doctor told the sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. at the end of 300 days, the sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?"asked the doctor."I'm 2400 kms from home."

###

Sardarji's got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They take 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.One asks the other "What happens if the bombs blast off now"

The other says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"

###

Two sardarjis walked toward each other on a country road.
One carried a burlap bag over his shoulder. "Hey Bhai," first sardarji drawled, "what's in the bag?" "Chickens," was the reply. "If I guess how many, can I have one?"

"You can have both of them." "OK," first sardarji said. "Five."

###

Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to then column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled here. After much thought he wrote : Yes

###

Who's the boss?

A few months back Mahathir went on holiday and Anwar was left in charge.
Since Mahathir was not around Anwar decided to throw some weight around to show that he is the boss now. The day before Mahathir left he went on an expensive shopping spree. He spotted something interesting while he was
at Lot 3, a very expensive branded T-shirt with a distinctive word across the chest - hugo BOSS. He bought it and wear to office the very next day, with a coat unbutton revealing the word BOSS to everyone.

Suay suay (unfortunately), Mahathir delayed his flight because of his wife's headache and decided to go back to office to do some work.
When he stepped into his office he caught Anwar by surprise. Anwar then was sitting with his cross-legs up the table, arms behind his head, unbutton coat with the word BOSS right across his chest. Upon seeing Mahathir he quickly try to covers up with his coat. Mahathir realizing what was happening and said, "Its OK , its OK Anwar, I'm on leave you can carry on." Before he walked out. Of course Mahathir was furious and went also to LOT 3 to look for something to teach his deputy a lesson. He thought of an idea and bought a branded T-shirt too to counter Anwar's by wearing it to office that very afternoon without a coat.

Guess what's the brand? (scroll down)

BOS SINNI
(read in Malay please - ---> Boss here)

###

Re-arrange the following Letters into one word -


"NEW DOOR"


The answer is below.


(Hint : There is only one way of doing this.)

The answer is "ONE WORD".


Did you get it? :-))

###

A father and son met with an accident. The father died instantly while the son suffered serious injuries and was conveyed to SGH. The surgeon came to examine the son but left after saying this :

"I can't operate on him. He is my son."

What is the relationship between the father and son and surgeon ?

They are father, mother and son.
(Who say surgeon must be a man?)

###

Loving, Liking and Feeling
Love is not a special kind of liking. Just as it is possible to like someone without loving them, so it is possible, though unusual, to love them without liking them particularly.
The following simplified self-assessment test may help to measure your regard for a friend, dating partner, lover or spouse in terms of loving and liking.
Imagine that you have inserted his/her name in each of the statements; then give each statement a rating of 1 to 9, depending on how strongly you would agree or disagree with it.
eg. disagree completely =1, agree to some extent =5, agree completely =9


01) I feel responsible for ____'s well-being.
02) If I could never be with ____ I would feel miserable.
03) I have great confidence in ____'s good judgement.
04) I feel I can confide in ____ about virtually everything.
05) If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek ____out.
06) I think ____ is one of those people who can quickly winrespect.
07) I think that ____ is usually well-adjusted.
08) ____ is the sort of person who I would like to be.
09) I would do almost anything for ____.
10) In my opinion ____ is an exceptionally mature person.
11) It would be hard for me to get along without ____.
12) ____ is one of the most likable people I know.
13) I would forgive ____ for practically anything.
14) Most people would react favourably to ____ after a brief acquaintance.
15) I would recommend ____ for a reponsible job.
16) One of my primary concerns is ____'s welfare.
17) It seems to me that it is very easy for ____ to gain admiration.
18) I would greatly enjoy being confided in by ____.


---------Page down for scoring instructions-----------


---------------------Scoring---------------------------


Add up the ratings for questions 1, 2, 4, 5, 9, 11, 13, 16 and 18 = A
Add up the ratings for questions 3, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15 and 17 = B


A is the measure of loving while B is the measure of liking for ____________ .


Interpretion(s):

o If A > B, probably means that you love ____ more than you like him/her. Loving, pointed out by Amercian social psychologist Zick Rubin involves caring (being as much concerned about another's needs as about
one's own); attachment (needing to be with and cared for by the other person); and intimacy (having a close bond with the other person through privileged communication, whether of an intellectual, emotional or
physical kind).

o If B > A, probably means that you like ____ more than you love him/her. Maybe the three characteristics of loving have not developed yet...... or simply you have decided that your feeling for____ can only be this much......


o If A = B, probably means that you like and love ____ all the same. In simple words, you most probably take ____ only as an ordinary friend.


NOTE: Scorings for this test may be affected by many exterior and as well as interior factors. Your impression and feelings for a person may change or be enhanced as you get to understand and know this person more. Also your state of mind while attempting this test is also an important factor. Being too lonely and needy may fetch a higher score for A, while being emotionally satisfied and confident may produce a higher score for B.

###

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?", she asks.

The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Someone really was bored here!

boy meets girl...

      /:""|       .@@@@@,
     |:`66|_      @@@@@@@@,
     C`    _)     aa`@@@@@@
      \ ._|      (_   ?@@@@
       ) /        =' @@@@"
      /`\\         \(```
     || |Y|       //`\
     || |.|      / | ||
     || |.|      \ | ||
     || |.|       \| ||
     :| |=:        |_|\
     ||_|,|        |_| \
     \)))||        (((  |
      |  ||        |____|
      |  ||        |____|
      >  ))         | ||
      | ||          | ||
      | ||          | ||
      |_||__        /~))
      (____))      /_/YY



boy and girl fall in love...

       /:""|  .@@@@@,
(\/)  |:`66|_ @@@@@@@@,
 \/   C`    _)aa`@@@@@@
       \ ._| (_   ?@@@@
        ) /   =' @@@@"
       /`\\    \(```
      || |Y|  //`\
      || |.| / | || (\/)
      || |.| \ | ||  \/
      || |.|  \| ||
      :| |=:   |_|\
      ||_|,|   |_| \
      \)))||   (((  |
 (\/)  |  ||   |____|
  \/   |  ||   |____|
       >  ))    | ||
       | ||     | ||
       | ||     | ||
       |_||__   /~))
       (____)) /_/YY


boy and girl "tie the knot..."

       /:""|   .****,
(\/)  |:`66|_  @@@@@\ `,
 \/   C`    _) aa`@@@\  \
       \ ._|  (_   ?@@|  \
        )_/    =' @@@@|  |
       /`\8\    \(```/   |
      || |8|   /^^\ |    /
      || |8|  /\::/||   |
      || |8|  \ | |||    \
      || |~|   \| |||     \
      :| |=:    |:|\\.:.:.::.
      ||_|,|    |:| \ ':':':`
      \)))||    (((  |
       | :||    |    | (\/)
       | :||    |    |  \/
       ) :||    |    \
       | :||    |     `\
       | :||    |:.:.   `~-._
       |_:||_   /~))\       `~~-._
       (_,__)) /_/YY `':':':':':':`





boy and girl are soon to become parents...
   (boy goes off to work)

      /:""|       .@@@@@,
     |:`66|_      @@@@@@@@,
     C`    _)     aa`@@@@@@
      \ ._|      (_   ?@@@@
       ) /        =' @@@@"
      /`\\         \(```
     || |Y|       //`\
     || |#|      / | ||
     || |#|      \ | ||
     || |#|      / | ||
     :| |=:     /  |_|\
     ||_|,|    |   |_| \
     \)))||     \  (((  |
  |~~~`-`~~~|    `\     |
  |         |      |____|
  |_________|       | ||
  |_________|       | ||
      | ||          | ||
      |_||__        /~))
      (____))      /_/YY



boy and girl and baby make three...
   and another on the way...
   (boy loses hair, girl gains fuzzy slippers)

      /:""|       .@@@@@,
     |:`66|_      @@@@@@@@,
     C     _)     aa`@@@@@@
      \ ._|      (_   ?@@@@
      ) /        =' @@@@"
      /`\\         \(```
     || |Y|       //`\        ."~~~~~".
     || |#|      / | ||       | (>o<) |
     || |#|      \ | ||       | /a a\ |  A
     || |#|      / | ||      _|_\ O /_|_|~|
     :| |=:     /  | |\     8)___`"`___(|_|
     ||_|,|    |   |_| \     |~~~~~~~~~|
     \)))||    |   (((  |    \_________/
  |~~~`-`~~~|  `~\~~~~~~|     |/ /_\ \|
  |         |     `\   /      ()/___\()
  |_________|       ( ||      ||~~~~~||
  |_________|       | ||      ||     ||
      | ||          | ||      ||     ||
      |_||__      __|_||      ||_____||
      (____))    (:;:;))      ||-----||



boy and girl and their 2.4 children...
   (boy loses more hair- still working
    girl still in fuzzy slippers)

    /:""|       .@@@@@,
   |: 66|_      @@@@@@@@,
   C     _)     aa`@@@@@@
    \ ._|      (_   ?@@@@
     ) /        =' @@@@"
    /`\\         \(```
   || |Y|       //`\        ."~~~~~".
   || |#|      / | ||       |  .:.  |
   || |#|      \ | ||    A  | /6 6\ |
   || |#|      / | ||   |~|_|_\ e /_|_     .@@@@,
   :| |=:     /  | |\   |_|)___`"`___(8    aa`@@@,
   ||_|,|    |   |_| \     |~~~~~~~~~|     =  `@@@
   \)))||    |   (((  |    \_________/       )_/`@'
|~~~`-`~~~|  `~\~~~~~~|     |/ /_\ \|       / || @
|         |    `\   /       ()/___\()       | || @
|_________|      ( ||       ||~~~~~||       /~|| "`
|_________|      | ||       ||     ||      /__W_\
    | ||         | ||       ||     ||        |||
    |_||__     __|_||       ||_____||       _|||
    (____))   (:;:;))       ||-----||      (___))



boy and girl and their growing family...
  (boy loses more hair, gains paunch...
   girl becomes more "shapely")

    /:`"|      .@@@@@,
   |: 66|_     @@@@@@@@,
   C     _)    aa`@@@@@@
    \ ._|     (_   ?@@@@
     ) /       =' @@@@"
    /`\\        \(```                       @@@@@,
   || |Y|      //`\        ."~~~~~".       aa`@@@@,
   || |#|     / | ||       |  .@.  |      (_   ?@@@
   || |#\     \ | ||       | /e e\ |  A     =  @@@@
   || | #|    | | ||   0 0_|_\ - /_|_|~|     )_@@@"   |"":\
   :| |==:    | | |\   ("))___`"`___(|_|    /. |@@    66 `:|
   ||_|,/     | |_| \ `( )|~~~~~~~~~|      ((| |     (_ /  /
   \)))||     | (((  | '^'\_________/       || |        -_(
|~~~`-`~~~|   \~~~~~~|     |/ /_\ \|        ||_|       / ||
|         |    \    /      ()/___\()        | W)       | ||
|_________|    ((  |       ||~~~~~||        || |       |_||
|_________|    ||  |       ||     ||        || |       | W|
    | ||       ||  |       ||     ||        || |       || |
    |_||__     ||__|       ||_____||       _||_|      _||_|
    (____))  ((____)       ||-----||      ((___)     ((___)


boy and girl have grown children
    and have earned that "middle-age spread"
     (boy loses even more hair, gains more weight
      girls gets even more "shapelier"...
       and they're still in love!)

                                            |":::\
      /```|      .@@@@@,         ,,,,       66 :::|
     |` 66|_     @@@@@@@@,      @@@@@@,    (_   ':D
     C     _)    aa`@@@@@@      aa @@@@,    |_,  /
(\/)  \ ._|     (_   ?@@@@     (_  ?@@@@     \__(
 \/    ) /       =' @@@@"       =' @@@@"     //`\\     @@@@
      /`\\        \_(```         ) @@@"     | | ||    ee "@@
     /| |Y|       /``\          /-'@@@,     | |_||   (_ `D
    | | |#|      / | ||        / / \@@@     | | ||    |_  /
    | | | #\     \ | ||        \ | |@@@     | | ||     \_(
    | | |  #|    / | ||         || |@@"     |-| |<     /  \
    :=| |===:   /  | | \        || |@"      ||(((|     | ||
    | |_|, /    |  |_|  \       ||=|\       ||_:_/     | ||
     \)))||     |  (((   |      |((( \       || |      | ||
  |~~~`-`~~~|    \~~~~~~~|      |____/       || |      |_||
  |         |     \     /        || /        (( |      | `W
  |_________|      ((  |         (( |        || |      || |
  |_________|      ||  |         || |        || |      || |
      | ||         ||  |         || |        ||=|      || |
      |_||__       ||__|         //^)      __||_|     _||_|
      (____))    ((____)        ((_/Y     ((_____)   ((____)



boy and girl alone again...

     8                            8
     8      /```|     .@@@@@,     8
     8     |  66|_    @@@@@@@@,   8 (\/)
     8     C     _)   aa`@@@@@@   8  \/
     8(\/)  \ ._|    (_   ?@@@@   8
    |8:\/:~:~) /:~:~: =' @@@@~:~:~8
    |8::::::/\\/`\;_:::\ (__::::::8
    |8:::::| \ '|___/` \\// `\):::8
    |8::::|| | '|::/ /  ^^  \ \:::8
    |8::::|| | ' \:| \__/\__/ |:::8
    |8o:::|\ \  ' |:\_\    /_/::::8o
    |"8o:::=\ \===::/`\`%%`/'\::::"8o
    |\"8o~|  \_\  \|   `""`   |:~:~\8o
    \ \"8o\   )))  \           \::::"8o
     \ \"8o\`.  \   \           \::::"8o
      \|~~~~~| -|| -|mmmmmmmmmmmm~~~~~|
       `~~~~~|  ||  |~~|  |~|  |~~~~~~
             |  ||  |  |__| |__|
             |  ||  |  \  | \  |
             |__||__|  (~~^\(~~^\
             (   \   \  `-._)`-._)
              `-._)-._)


... and they lived happily ever after!

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!".

###

It was his first time at this convention, on the first day he heard someone yell out the number, '34,' and everyone just burst out laughing.
He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, '87,' and again everyone started to laugh.
This went on for quite sometime. Finally, he asked a co-worker what the number calling was all about. The co-worker replied, "we are so busy that we have a book of jokes that everyone has memorized and to save time we just yell out the number."
That night the guy went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work the guy yelled out, "52," and everyone just looked at him strangely, he just went back to work.
Someone else yelled out the number, "68," and everyone just laughed hysterically.
So, he yelled out, "29," and again everyone just looked at him strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work.
Later that day at lunch, he asked the co-worker, "why when I yelled out a number no one laughed?"

The co-worker replied "well, you know how it is, some people can tell a joke and some people can't!"

###

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.
As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."
The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked,

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
...
and the third man was being thrown out... Guess why?

###

The patient demands, "Doc, I just got to have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, a heart transplant."
"WHAT!" yells the doctor, "Tell me, exactly WHY do you think you *need* all these transplants?"
"Well," explains the patient, "my boss told me I needed to get reorganized."

###

What's another name for the Intel sticker they put on computers?

A warning label.

###

Fatal Error!

User : Hello, my computer is reporting a fatal error!

Support : Well theres nothing we can do now, you should have called us when it was still critical!

###

If Microsoft Built Cars...

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car and they would perform illegal operations and crash.

###

To err is human. To blame it on a computer is even more so.

###

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

None - Bill Gates just declares darkness the new standard!

###

It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral. The first
student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and one day we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher.
The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground.

I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk." "Very good," said the teacher.
The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was
stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniel's, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades.
Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't bother my daddy when he's drunk."

###

In the middle of a forest, there was a camper who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all he could do was run as fast as he could.

The camper ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the camper got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

###

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

###

A duck waddles into a grocery store and asks the manager, "do you have any duck food?"
The manager says, "No, we don't have duck food. This is a 'grocery' store. Now get out of here."
The next morning the duck waddles into the same grocery store and again asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?"
The manager, speaking slowly and distinctly, says, "No! I told you yesterday that we don't have duck food." Get out of my store and don't come back!"
The next morning,the duck enters the same grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?"
The manager screams, "No! We don't have duck food and if you come in here asking for duck food one more time I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor !"
The next morning the duck enters the grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any nails?"
Resigned, the manager says, "No, we don't carry nails"
"Good," says the duck. "Do you have any duck food?"

###

Witticisms


Underneath every successful man, there's usually a woman.

A girl's best friends may be her legs, but sometimes even best friends have to part.

Virginity is like balloon - one prick and all's gone...

Many a romance begins when a girl sinks into his arms - and ends up with her arms in his sink.

My wife is like an Angel, always in the air and forever harping on about things.

My husband is a very versatile man. He can do anything wrong.

Men who put women on pedestals seldom knock them off.

A boss is a man who's early when you're late and late when you're early.

Doing a really good job on something is like wetting yourself on dark trousers - You get a warm feeling where it counts but no one else notices.

Nothing is impossible for people who don't have to do it themselves.

A board meeting is something that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

A committee is a group of men who, individually, can do nothing, but collectively can meet to decide that nothing can be done.

Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.

Money may be the root of all evil, but a man needs his roots.

John's mother always told him he could marry any girl he pleased.
Unfortunately, he didn't please any of them.

Overheard in church, a young lady praising the new vicar:
"I know very little about sin until he came - and he does make it so enjoyable..."

You can fool some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.

War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.

###

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

###

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

###

A candidate brought a dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers.
The superintendent just gave a glimpes at his candidate as he passed by as it is common to have students trying their luck.
Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table. Half an hour later the candidate sat up and started tossing the dice again. The superintent felt curious and approached the candidate.
Superintendent: "Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?"
Candidate: "Sir, my mom said that I have to double check my answers."

###

In the middle of a forest, there was a camper who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all he could do was run as fast as he could.

The camper ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the camper got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

###

Q.Arnold Schwarzenneger has a long one, Michael J. Fox has a short one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope doesn't use his any more. What's it?


---Scroll Down -----


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A last name!

###

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent. "The stork brought you to us."
"Ohh..." replied Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

###

Little Johnny was playing outside the local whorehouse with his schoolmate. They were too innocent to know what went on inside, but saw several men walk up, knock on the front door, and hand over $50 to the madam who greeted them, and then let them inside. Each man later came out with pleasant smiles on their faces.
The little boys' curiosity was aroused, so they managed to come with $1 between them two. They went over and knocked on the door. The madam answered, asked them what they wanted, and, not knowing what to say, the boys merely handed over the $1. The madam took them inside, grabbed them by their necks, banged their heads together, and tossed them back out the door.
Little Johnny sat up, rubbed his head and said to his schoolmate, I sure am glad we didn't have $50! $1 worth of that is about all I could stand!"

###

Little Johnny was out walking with his dad when he asked his father, "Dad, when birds and animals die, why do they lie with their legs sticking up in the air?"
Dad, thinking quickly, replies, "So that God can reach down and grab their legs to pull them up to heaven."
Little Johnny, a moment later, replies, "Dad, mommy nearly went to heaven the other day."
The father, somewhat surprised, asks, "Oh, how come?"
Little Johnny says, "When I came home from school, Mommy was lying on the kitchen floor with her legs sticking up in the air and sort of waving. She was yelling out 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming'!"
The dad, becoming even more interested, utters, "Yeah?"
Little Johnny says, "But it was alright Dad. She couldn't go to heaven because the postman was holding her down."

###

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

###

Little Johnny went into a bar and said to a waitress, "Gimme a beer."
The waitress eyed him for a moment and said, "Look, sonny, do you want to get me in trouble?"
The boy glanced back at her and said, "Maybe later. Right now, I want a beer."

###

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him and, after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

###

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be an DONKEY!

The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the men house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years.
You will be a DOG!

The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.

The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.

That was what God did, and since then, Man live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.

###

Ah Meng had just finished a full day behind the wheel of his taxi and was walking home when an Ah Beng pulled up in a van, stuffed and filled with a group of 16 Ah Sengs.

Ah Beng told him they were going to see an X-rated movie, and if he jumped in, he would pay for Ah Meng's ticket. Not believing his good luck, Ah Meng asked, "Why me?"

The answer came back quickly. "We need one more person. There are only seventeen of us, and the newspaper ad says, 'Under 18 not admitted'."

###

A couple had 3 children. Two of them were bright, smart and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly and backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth dear, is his third child really
mine?"

"Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are not."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

###

WIFE stands for Worries Inherited For Ever.

###

Two men met - one said, "My wife is an angel."
The other man replied, "You're lucky: mine is still alive."

###

At a cocktail party a man was heard to complain : "Every morning 7:30 is the worst time for me, because' both my wife and the kettle start boiling."

###

"My wife has just hired a good looking chauffeur. I am beginning to get a little suspicious because' we don't have a car."

###

This man was boasting : "Every night my wife takes my shoes off." his friend asked, "You mean, when you come home?"
"No," he replied, "when I want to go out."

###

A man went to the police station and said, "I want to meet the burglar who broke into my house last night."
"But why?" asked the inspector.
"Well," he said, "I just want to ask him how he managed to get in without waking my wife up."

###

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband : "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

###

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

###

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, Yeah, that's it!"

###

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes onthe screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen.Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

###

After marrying a young woman, a ninety-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him.
Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.

###

After many unbroken years of service to the priest of the parish, an old nun decided to take a vacation at the seaside. Wanting to make sure the priest was looked after as well as possible, she instructed a young sister on each aspect of his care.
When the young nun came in on the first morning with the priest's breakfast, he told her he had a key between his legs and she had a lock between hers. "If I put my key in your lock," he explained to the girl, "it will open the gates to heaven."
She thought that sounded like a fine idea, and they did it many times before the old nun came back to resume her duties.
On her return she asked how things had worked out, and the young sister eagerly explained about the gates of heaven.
"Why, that lying old bastard!" shrieked the old nun. "Thirty years ago he told me that was Gabriel's horn, and I've been blowing it ever since!

###

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said.
He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

###

Qn : There are 3 frogs on a leaf. If one of them decided to jump off the leaf into the water, how many frogs are there left on the leaf?
Page down to see answer















Answer: THREE

Why?

Because the frog only DECIDED to jump! But it didn't!
Ponder over this, my friends. Are you not unlike the frog; who decides to do this, decides to do that, but ended up not doing any?
In life, we have to make many decisions. Some easy; some hard.
Most mistakes are not made by wrong decisions
Most mistakes ARE made due to indecisions
We have to live with the consequences of our decisions
And that is RISK.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~RISK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change;
and the realist adjusts the sails.
-William Arthur Ward

###

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "ass icons"?

Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) and ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

Any wise-ass additions out there?


First, there were :) smiley emoticons. Then there were (_)(_) butt emoticons.
Now, there are (.)(.) emoti-boobies!

(.)(.) Boobies

( . )( . ) Bigger Boobies

( O )( O ) Pamela Anderson-Lee boobies

(,)(,) Boobies with pierced nipples

. . Very Little Boobies

( * )( * ) Implanted Boobies (very pert)

( ) ( ) Nursing Mom boobies
(.) (.)

(^^)(^^) Madonna Boobies

-<.><.>- Teeny Bikini Boobies

--(.)(.)-- Regular Bikini Boobies

---( . )-( . )--- Mondo Bikini Boobies

x x No boobies

(/)(/) Feminist Boobies

()() Wonderbra Boobies

###

Graffiti 1:
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Graffiti 2:
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper

Graffiti 3:
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Graffiti 4:
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit on my pants!

Graffiti 5:
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

Graffiti 6:
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Graffiti 7:
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.

Graffiti 8:
(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.

Graffiti 9:
(Sign posted in a bathroom)
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!

Graffiti 10:
(Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

Graffiti 11:
(Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these
words)
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

Graffiti 12:
(On the inside of a toilet door)
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire
performance.

Graffiti 13:
"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the
toilet)

Graffiti 14:
(A sign I saw at a swimming pool once)
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!

Graffiti 15:
(Another sign seen at a swimming pool)
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

Graffiti 16:
My mother made me a whore.
(to which someone else added)
If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too.

Graffiti 17:
(Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone
scribbled)
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

Graffiti 18:
(In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant)
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food
into shit. It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

Graffiti 19:
(Sign seen at a restaurant)
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim
properly.

Graffiti 20:
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.

Graffiti 21:
(Here's one seen above a urinal)
look up look up
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!

Graffiti 23:
(While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door)
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left.
(You look left and it reads):
Look Right
(You look right and it reads):
Look Left...

Graffiti 24:
Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.

Graffiti 25:
(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here
Are you ashamed of it

Graffiti 26:
Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one.

Graffiti 27:
Don't look now!
you're pissing on your neighbors foot


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

Go to top of page

Page designed by me: click here to contact me

Copyright problems on this page? Please click here!

Urheberrechte verletzt? Bitte hier klicken!
This page is designed with for frames, should there be no navigation links on the left side, click here to restart this website with the proper links on the side Diese Seite hat "Frames" und sollte ein Verzeichniss auf der Linken seite darstellen. Sollte dies nicht der Fall sein, bitte hier klicken um die Seite neu zu starten.
   
   

Last Updated: 02.06.05