Jokes page 8

 

Little Johnny was a curious little guy and was always asking questions. One day,when his aunt was visiting, he went into his typical interrogation.

Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are you?
Auntie: Well Johnny, that's not a question that you ask a lady.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do you weigh?
Auntie: Johnny! That's not a question you ask a lady.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don't you and your boyfriend sleep in the same bed?
Auntie: Johnny, stop this! That's not a question you ask a lady!
Johnny went off to play but the next day he was talking to his aunt again.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old.
Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how much you weigh. You're 135 pounds.

Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?
Johnny: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know why you don't sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.

Auntie: Johnny! Stop this! How do you know all this?
Johnny: Well, I found your driver's license last night. Here it says that you're 32 years old and here it says that you weigh 135 pounds. And right down here it explains why you don't sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.

Auntie: Where does it say that?
Johnny: Right here. It says you got an "F" in Sex.

###

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when she hit me!

"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the oher eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

###

Two Italians men get on the bus and they soon engaged in animated conversation after they sat down in front of a lady. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men says the following :
"Emma come first. Then I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once more.
"You foul-mouthed swine !" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public !"
"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. I am just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."

###

A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economise in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.
She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.

He:(Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.
She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?
He: Oh, sometimes...
She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?
He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.
She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?
He: No, most certainly not!
She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?
He: Of course I haven't.
She: You should try it then sometimes, it takes the stiffness out of it.
He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.
She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?
He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.
She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?
He: Yes.
She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?
He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.
She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have to go back to matches. The young man collapses.

###

Notice:

To: All Men Travelling the Airways
A Gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir", she said, "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labelled "ATR".

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button.

Warm Water sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The Men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button.

A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure!

He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face......

"What happened??! How did I get here?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"

"You pushed one too many buttons", replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampax Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."

###

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

###

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all his crime.
When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and talk to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happen between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realise the mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except one of her colleague, I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, before last month, I went to her uncle house to look for her, nobody was around except her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"......................"

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realise that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.. and he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly, I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

###

The Singlish Version

^..^ DE TREE LEETLE PICS ^..^
(oo) (oo)

Last time, got tree leetle pics. Dey all blarders but not marry yet, so cannot get hedg-de-be flat, somust built deir own house.
De fers blarder, a bit switch-off and like to relac, so he only wan to built only simple-simple house, so he go and built one with stlaw.But den hor, when de house finis alledy, his blarders laugh at him and say, "Wapiang, stlaw house how to live? So ao one - got no standard!"

De secan blarder, hor, tink hard hard and den wan to built a more good house, so he take many, many wood and built a wooden house.He go take come many pieces of wood but his two blarders laugh at him and say "Walau, so kayu one - wood where can tahan de wind?
Wind come and all drop alledy!" De terd blarder like to be aiksi-borak one, so he wan to built his house make come out of blick one.When de house finis alledy, his blarders all come and look and den dey say, "wah, your house so nice one, you got blick you early early donch say - so ngiaow one! "De terd blarder say back, "Use your blain, use your blain! You where can be crever like me?"
De tree blarders live happy-happy hor, but den got one day, de biig ba woof come and karchau de fers blarder. De woof say, "Leetle pic, leetle pic, open your door. If you donch open ah, I will brow your house down!"De leetle pic very tee-kee one, so donch open de door.So de woof open his mouf big big and brow de stlaw house down.De fers blarder den run away very fast to his secan blarder house.

When at de secan blarder house, hor, de woof also come and say, "Leetle pic, leetle pic, open your door.If you donch open ah, I will brow your house down!"De secan blarder auso donch open de door, so de woof open his mouf big big and brow de kayu house down.De two blarder den run away very fast to deir terd blarder house.

Now auso hor, at de terd blarder house, de woof again come and say, "Leetle pic, leetle pic, open your door.If you donch open ah, I will brow your house down!" De terd blarder say back, "You tink you
so crever you can brow my blick house down, you brow lah!" So de woof open his mouf big big and he brow and brow but he cannot brow down.He brow and brow and den,he pengsan!

De brave leetle pics go out and see de woof is die or not. Dey all carry de woof in, tinking dat de woof die alledy. Suddenry, de woof jum up and huntam de fers and secan blarder.De terd blarder
stand oneside - diam, diam ony. You see ah, de terd blarder was a glassloot leader and dat's how he got de blicks.De woof know dis and say to de terd blarder if he donch hap him to catch his two udder blarders,
de woof go and leport him to de garmen.So wat to do?So bo-bian, lah! So togeder de terd leetle pic and de woof sit down to share-share eat suckling pics in de terd blarder's upgladed house.
And dey lived happily after dat for ever liao...
^**^ DE END ^--^
(oo) (oo)

###

There was an Arab women and an American woman together in the produce section of the supermarket. The Arab woman picked up a couple of potatoes and said, "You know, these look just like my husband's balls." So the American woman said, "Really? That big?" And the Arab woman said, "No, that dirty."

###

The humor of marriage

Before wedding -
Roses are red, violets are blue
Like it or not, I'm stuck with you

After wedding -
Roses are dead, I am blue
You get on my head, I will sue you

Before wedding -
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-la

After wedding -
You want to go, he says lei tang-la

Before wedding -
She enjoys his looks

After wedding -
She enjoys his cheque book

Before wedding -
Shopping at Sogo, Lot 10 and Sungai Wang

After wedding -
Shopping at Pasar Malam at Chow Yang

Before wedding -
She looks like Anita Sarawak

After wedding -
Don't know whether katak or biawak

Before wedding -
Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's hill

After wedding - Furthest you go is Telok blangah Hill

Before wedding -
He opens the car door

After wedding -
He opens his mouth and snores

Before wedding -
She was your ideal

After wedding -
She becomes your ordeal

###

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

###

A duck waddles into a grocery store and asks the manager,
"do you have any duck food?"
The manager says, "No, we don't have duck food. This is a 'grocery' store. Now get out of here."
The next morning the duck waddles into the same grocery store and again asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?"
The manager, speaking slowly and distinctly, says, "No! I told you yesterday that we don't have duck food." Get out of my store and don't come back!"
The next morning,the duck enters the same grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?"
The manager screams, "No! We don't have duck food and if you come in here asking for duck food one more time I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor !"
The next morning the duck enters the grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any nails?"
Resigned, the manager says, "No, we don't carry nails"
"Good," says the duck. "Do you have any duck food?"

###

Joan, a rather well-proportioned & nearsighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"

###

Singapore Parliament Jokes

1. Q: Which minister is the most sleepy guy in parliament??
A: Dr. Yawning Hong (Dr. Yeo Ning Hong)

2. Q: Which minister holds 3 jobs??
A: Dr. Ahmad Mattar (He is a doctor, driver and policeman) Ahmad means driver in Malay and Mattar sounds like mata for policeman

3. Q: Which minister smokes the most in parliament??
A: Mr. Marlboro Tan (Mr. Mah Bow Tan)

4. Q: Which minister does not observe traffic rules??
A: Mr. Ang Teng Cheong (Mr. Ong Teng Cheong which when read in Hokkien literally means red light also dash!!!

5. Q: Which minister cannot sing??
A: Mr. Wong Kan Sing (Wong can't sing)

###

Try this out. This is interesting.

READ the sentence below

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Count the number of F's in that sentence.:
Count them ONLY ONCE:
DON'T CHEAT!
Do not go back and count them again.
How many F's did you count ???
Scroll down below...


ANSWER:

The average intelligence person finds three Fs.
If you spotted four, you're above average.
If you got five, you can turn your nose at almost anybody.
If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch.
Many people forget the F in the 'OF's.

###

Aries Mar.21-Apr.19
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence in your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus Apr.20-May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a god-damned communist.

Gemini May 21-June 20
You are quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for incest.

Cancer June 21-July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to others people's problems, which make you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

Leo July 23-Aug.22
You consider yourself a born leader. Other think you are an idiot.
Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo Aug.23-Sept.22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo makes good bus drivers and
pimps.

Libra Sept.23-Oct.21
You are the artistic type and have difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Changes for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of
venereal disease.

Scorpio Oct.22-Nov.21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics.
You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

Sagittarius Nov.22-Dec.21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn Dec.22-Jan.19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should stay home, out of the way of everybody else.

Aquarius Jan.20-Feb.18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.
Everyone think you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces Feb.19-Mar.20
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

###

Something Very Singaporean

In Singapore, living in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB), most people already used to Pay And Pay (PAP). Not only pay, you Pay Until Broke (PUB). As if that not enough, somebody still Purposely Want to Dig (PWD) from you. What to do if you are in the Money Only environment (MOE).

With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS), you are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA) which make some people to Purposely Owe Some Banks (POSB) and live on Loan Techniques Always (LTA). When you are sick, you might
be able to use the Cash Prior to Funeral(CPF) fund if you happen to be admitted to the Money Operating Hospital(MOE) on time. If you sure bad luck one, you may meet doctor who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you and that would make you Sure Give up Hope (SGH) When that happens, Call Home, you deserve a better place to recuperate. To help to ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On expressway (COE).
If that doesn't help, the Lousy Tax Accounting (LTA), can always Everytime Raise Price (ERP) on the road. If you don't own a car, you can always go for the Mad Rush to Train (MRT) and get squashed Side By Side (SBS).

###

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG...

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.

You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number...

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

###

Once, Paul went to get a gift for his girlfriend who was studying in England. He went with her sis, Jenny.
Paul decided to get a pair of gloves for Jane, his girlfriend, while Jenny decided to get her sis a lacy undergarment.
Both went to pay for the gifts together and the cashier accidentally wrapped the two gifts in such a way that Paul's present became Jenny's and vice versa. Along with Paul's gift to Jane was a letter:

Hi dear,
Happy Birthday. I hope U will like this present, I went to buy it with your sis. However, I do not know what colour U like, so I decided to get the same pattern the salesgirl was wearing. It's very comfy when I put them on. I have noticed that U never wear them, but it is a custom to wear them. I really hope to kiss them during the first time U put them on but I know that they will go through many other people's hands before mine. But I don't mind. I have also get Jenny a pair and I will be the first to kiss them. I hope that U will think of me when U put them on.

P.S. U can turn them inside out to show the fur trimings. But do wash them frequently or else they would smell from the sweat.

Luv,
Paul

###

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a good doctor, you have to be observent to colour, smell, sight and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in
amazement, most, in disgust. But being the students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observent, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

###

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded.
"Or just a bed - I don't care where".
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it,."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and looking well rested. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
The manager asked "How did you do that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room,"
John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said "Goodnight, beautiful," and he sat up all night watching me."

###

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they have done to my Beeeemer!!!",he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
Oh my gaaad...."replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

###

What did the lawyer name his daughter??? Ans:Sue

And his son??? Ans:Bill

###

A young man named Giorgio Tan applied for an engineering position at a Technology firm based in Jurong.

Another man, Armani Lim, applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked by the Department manager to take a test.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to Giorgio and said, "Mr. Tan, thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the other man the job"

Giorgio: "And why would you do that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Jurong and me being from Jurong, I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."


Giorgioi: "Would you please tell me just how one incorrect answer could be better than another?"

Manager: "Simple, Mr. Lim put down on question #5, "I don't know... You put down "Neither do I."

###

Monica's reply

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.

I will not be stained by it.
"Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky

###

A newlywed sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Indian Ocean for two years.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife quite badly so he decided to write her a letter.

"My darling," he wrote "It looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings.

Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be so tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

"First... let's see you play that harmonica!"

###

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time, did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked." "Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."

###

Morris calls his son in NY and says,"Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Christmas. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Martha, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"

###

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

###

Lawyer: "You say you want a divorce because your husband is careless about his appearance!"
Wife: "Yeah! he hasn't shown up in two years!"

###

The heads of the four armed services were sitting around bragging about which group had more guts. They decided to put it to a test.

First they went into the field where Army tank crews were in training. The Army General got on the radio and told one of the Privates to jump under a moving tank. He did and he died. The General said, "Now that guy had guts."

The Air Force General insisted that was nonsense so they went to where pilots were doing bombing target tests. The General got on the radio and directed one of the pilots to crash his plane. He did and he died. The Air Force General said, "Now that guy had guts."

The Marine General claimed that was foolish. So next they all went to a Marine shooting range. He directed one of the Marines to jump in front of one of the targets. He got shot and died. The Marine General said, "Now that guy had guts."

Finally, the Navy Admiral said that they hadn't seen anything yet. They went to a carrier that was in port and a sailor was at the top of the mast working on the radar systems. The Admiral shouted up for the sailor to jump.

Shocked the sailor said, "What!"

The Admiral repeated himself.

Flipping the bird, the sailor shouted back, "SCREW YOU!"

"See. Now THAT guy has guts!" replied the smug Admiral.

###

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it`s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let`s go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"

The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don`t want those guys sleeping with your mom when I`m gone."

###

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A. A battery has a positive side.

###

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

###

Next time the dentist tells ya to "Open wide" -- ask whether he's talking about your mouth, or your wallet.

###

Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze.

One says "How's the memory?"

The other says "Perfect, knock on wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"

###

"Just look at this report card!" Stormed the angry father!

"Your friend Robert doesn't come home with C's and D's on his report cards!"

"No, but he's different. He's got smart parents!"

###

It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a
young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM!, a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" To which the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" The old man asked. Again the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look" said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

###

A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

###

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
.
.
.
.
.
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

###

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going.
He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies, "150 dollars" The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?"

###

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" he barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

###

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

###

Confession A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

###

Break time A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are
a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. what do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't." "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampons." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

###

Maintenance problems and solutions

These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Writeup: "Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with hammer."
Solution: "Took hammer from little man."

###

You know you are a freight pilot if...

Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months.
ATC advices you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't care.
When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when they recognize you.
You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where you are on the airport.
Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on "making a meal of it".
Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
Center mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight.
Your D O mysteriously changes your max takeoff weight during the holiday season.
Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO because you just woke up.
You mark every ramp with engine oil.
Everything you own is in your flight bag and suitcase.

###

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off.
Student: What should I do? What should I do?
Instructor: What do you think you should do?
Student: Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.
Instructor: That's a good idea.
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off, runway 12.
Student: What should I do? What should I do?
Instructor: What do you think you should do?
Student: Maybe I should tell the tower.
Instructor: That's a good idea.
Student: Cessna 123, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway. (long pause)
Tower: Roger 123, hold your position. Deer on runway 12 cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for departure, runway 12. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

###

Controller: AirForce five two, it appears that your engine has...
Oh, disregard, I see you've already ejected.

###

Tower: Cessna 12Q, squawk altitude!
Pilot: Can't! I'm climbing!

###

Pilot: Good mornig Tower, this is TWA 740, we're twelve miles out for 07 left.
Tower: Good morning. You are eight miles out. Continue.
Pilot: We're twelve miles from the VOR.
Tower: You sure won't put it down by the VOR, would you?
Pilot: You leave that up to us where we put it down.
Tower: Wilco.

###

Tower: Lufthansa 123, reduce speed and keep it to the Outer Marker.
Pilot: Roger. If you don't mind we keep it until touch-down.

###

Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I don't seem to be making much progress here.
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very well.

###

Radar: DFN, turn right and report your heading
Pilot: OK, 340, 341, 342, 344, 345.....

###

Captain: (after a bad landing:) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one.

###

Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727 ?

###

Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL

###

Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic

###

ATC: "Cessna 123, are you a Skymaster?"
Pilot: "No, I am just a student pilot."

###

Pilot: "Dallas approach, Cessna 123, heading W"
ATC: "Roger Cessna 123, left turn heading E, squawk VFR, frequency change approved, good day."

###

Tower to student pilot: "Cessna 123 cleared to touch and touch and touch and go"

###

SFO Bay Approach: "Cessna 123, do you have information Hotel?"
Cessna 123: "No thanks approach, we're staying with friends."

###

ATC: "Cherokee 12345, say altitude."
Pilot: "ALTITUDE."
ATC: "Cherokee 12345, say heading."
Pilot: "HEADING."
ATC: "OK, Cherokee 12345, say Cancel IFR."
Pilot: "Cherokee 12345, level at 5000, heading 020."

###


Pilot: "XYZ tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
ATC (trying to stay as calm as possible): "Cessna 345, do not panic, say position."
Pilot: "Cessna 345 is at Parking space A6, how can I get in touch with the fuel truck?"

###

CONTROLLER: "Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign!"
PILOT: "I'm not silly ..."

###

CONTROLLER: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
PILOT: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345 ..."

###

TOWER: "You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
PILOT: "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!"

###

Pilot: "Ground, good morning. XY-Line 123, Information X received, request startup."
Ground: "Good morning, XY-Line 123. Expect startup clearance not earlier than in two hours."
Pilot: "Confirm, two hours delay?"
Ground: "Affirm."
Pilot: "In this case, cancel the 'good morning'..."

###

Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot: "Roger we'll check the car on the runway."

###

What's the difference between God and pilots?

God doesn't think he's a pilot.

###

Any two members of the opposite sex from one another who spent more than two hours in a C-150 are legally married !

###

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: "Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."

###

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05