Jokes page 7

 

One day John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

" So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.

" The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

" No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when John decided to have a little fun with the doctor.

John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter.
Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said," I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"

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Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in Law but aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good.
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't....

1. Think you can get me off?

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Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread you legs a bit more...
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be
desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't....

1. Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first.

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A bus stops to let on a passenger.

This attractive lady steps onto the bus and puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers without saying a word.

The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggles all eight of his fingers.

The woman then looks a bit confused and in silence grabs her boobs! The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his balls, the woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus!!

A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the bus looks to the driver, and says, "Tom, I've been riding your bus for quite a few years now and I've never seen anything as vulgaras this! I'm going to have to ride a different route!"

Tom, the driver looks to the woman sitting in the front seat and replies, "You are mistaken, that woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th. street, I said, 'no, 10th street.' She asked if it went to the Dairy Mart, I told her that it went to the ball park and she said,'shit, I'm on the wrong bus' and left.'"

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4 men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Ledger, do your stuff." Ledger went out into the kitchen and returned

with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was very good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do our stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces of milk without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was excellent.

The 3 men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs,claimed
he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on a six week paid sick leave.

They all agreed that dog was the smartest.

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A lawyer named Strange died, and his family asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone," Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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Two young boys were having their breakfast, consisted of hot chocolate and cereal. As he almost finished his meal, the younger of the two headed for their aquarium, his hand full of cereal.
Just before he fed the turtles and the fish, his mother came into the room. "Don't do it, Kamal", she said, "They'll die."

The boys' faces turned pale and throw his mother a desperate look, "Then why did you gave it to us ?"

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In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any
time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers.

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DAILY EXERCISES FOR THE NON-ATHLETIC OFFICE WORKER

Proper weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone. Many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous
activities that do not require physical exercise.

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . 75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . 50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . 25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight) . . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . 50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . 25
Running around in circles. . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . 25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . 75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . 50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . .300
Start the ball rolling . . . . . . . 90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . 25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . .350

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An Indian man was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay.
But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of this place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the Indian man declared loudly,
"I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drink!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal.
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food.
"Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
The Indian man picked up the yoghurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then the Indian man took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the Indian man proudly.

Finally, the Indian man took out some desserts.
He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the Indian man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when the Indian let a loud ripping fart go "PPPPHHHHUUUUTTTTTT"
"What was that!?" asked the American in disgust.
The old Indian man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

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As told by Jack Canfield and Mark V. Hansen, from "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the distance.
As he grew nearer, he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into the water. Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean.

As our friend appraoched even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at a time, he was throwing them back into the water.

Our friend was puzzled. He approached the man and said, "Good evening, friend. I was wondering what you are doing."

"I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up onto the shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen."

"I understand," my friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach, you can't possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many. And don't you realize this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down the coast. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?"

The local native smiled, bent down and picked up yet another starfish, and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied, "Made a difference to that one!"

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A Few Thoughts On Marriage

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man met a genie. The genie told him he could have whatever he wanted provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thought for a moment and then said, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" His father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" His wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 20 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A guy went to a party without his wife. He heard another guy say to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thought this sort of speech is a good idea.

The next morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he said to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" His wife excitedly asked, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He replied, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned, but then smiled, "It really works!"

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

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Haze days are here again (In Singapore, when there where the fires going on in Indonesia), and judging from the number of times we received this, people seem to think it's a laughing matter! Probably the only good thing we can think of that will come from this smog is a couple of chuckles...

TOP 10 SIGNS OF A HAZY SINGAPORE:

1.You don't need to use soft-focus filters for outdoor wedding photography.
2.Bus commuters were seen using binoculars to see the number of the SBS buses.
3.The latest fashion in Orchard Road are designer masks.
4.Rumours that bras were being cut into halves to be used as masks.
5.You thought your mum is your girlfriend from 10 metres away.
6.The smoke from a cigarette smells better than the smog from the haze.
7.The newscasters' evening greeting after the 7pm news: Have A Zombie Evening (HAZE).
8.The most popular reason given to traffic police for speeding: "It was so hazy, I thought I was being chased by the paparazzi"
9.Message from the traffic police to motorists: "More HAZE, less speed!"

And the No. 1 sign that it's HAZY in Singapore is:

10.The latest greeting from foreigners to Singaporeans: "Haze Singapore!"

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There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. Then the first guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The second guy goes home and cooks dinner. The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves.
The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "no." They ask him why not and he says, "because yesterday I almost got caught!"

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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Smack!
Man: "Ow! What was *that* for?!?!"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
Wife: "Oh," she says and goes about doing her house work, apparently happy with his answer.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading, when - WHACK! - his wife again hits him upside the head with a frying pan.
Man: "What the hell was that for this time!?!?"
Wife: "Your horse called."

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Karl visits his bosses wife at he home and says, "Renate, show me your left breast and I'll give you $100.00" Renate thinks this is a bit strange but she needs the money so she lifts up her blouse and shows him her breast. Karl then says, " I'll give you another $100.00 if you show my your right breast." "My, God," thinks Renate..."this is easy money". She willingly shows him her right breast. Karl gives her the $200.00 and leaves. A few minutes later Renata's husband comes home and asks her " did Karl stop by with the $200.00 he owed me??"

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Lady speaker said passionately during her speech, "Women had to bear countless tortures in this society." A man in the front row said loudly, "There is one torture a woman can not bear." "What?" asked the lady aggressively. "Torture of silence" was the reply.

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"What is the difference between a politician and a woman?"
When a politician says "YES", he means "POSSIBLE", when he says "POSSIBLE", he means "NO", and if he says "NO", then he is not a politician.
When a woman says "NO", she means "POSSIBLE", when she says "POSSIBLE", she means "YES", and if she says "YES", then she is not a woman.

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A computer salesman told a businessman, "Ask our computer any question, it will reply truthfully." Just for a try, the businessman asked, "Where is my father right now?" Answer appeared on monitor "He is busy on a business trip with his new beautiful secretary in Berlin." The businessman laughed and told the salesman, "Your computer does not know anything. My father died 20 years ago." The salesman got confused, "Our computer never tells lies, why don't you rephrase your question?" The businessman again asked computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" At once came the reply, "Your mother's husband died 20 years ago."

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Annoyed driver to patrolman who has pulled her over:
"Why can't you people get organised? One day you take my licience away, and the next day you ask to see it."

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Two little boys go into the departmental store. One is nine, one is four
The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

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When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music -- anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming... Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs."
Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

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Things that makes you go Hmm...
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

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Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1.They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2.A better model is right around the corner.
3.They look attractive-until you take them home.
4.Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
5.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are committed to memory.
3. The native language used to communicate with others of their kind is incomprehensible to anyone else.
4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what's wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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A little boy was passing the army camp with his donkey. The soldiers thought of having fun with the boy.
One of them shouted: "Hey boy, why are you holding your brother so tightly?"
The little boy answered: "So that he won't join the army".

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One day a drunk man tells the bartender, I bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye. Bartender grinned and said OK you drunk. The drunk pulled out his right fake eye out and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, bet you $200 I can bite my left eye. Bartender knew it can be fake so he said OK. The drunk pulls out his dentures and bites his left eye. Bartender gets really mad.
A few more drinks the drunk said, bet you $400 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar. The bartender knew he couldn't do it so he said OK. He slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on the stools and peed all over the bar and the water. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy and happiness because he won $400.
In the back he heard a man yelling and he asked what's wrong? The man replied, that drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on you and your bar and you would be happy about it!

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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

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Once there was a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always provoked an embarrassing reaction. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this."
So he gave up beans. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he had several helpings.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, sat him at the table and made him promise not to peek. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to peek and went to the phone. While she was gone, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was loud and ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. While keeping an ear tuned in on the wife and staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for talking so long she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE"!!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the Royal Stables when a stallion farted very loudly.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that."
"That's okay" said the archbishop, "I thought it was the horse."

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Long time ago in the western part of Malaysia, a rich tycoon wanted to know how happy a man can be if you can give him one wish . After many advices from his "Kay-Po" friends, he decided to select 3 people to test out his experiment.

The rules are :

1.The person can only have 1 wish.
2.The person will be put on a deserted island for 30 years.
3.They have to come back after the experiment to tell the world about their experiences.
4.Food (not liquor) will be provided.

After shortlisting 3 person from a possible pool of 3,000,000 ; they were given a press conference to say what they want to bring along to the island for 30 years.

Contestant #1 : Billy Klinton (USA)

"I want to have the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefold girls so that I can make the most beautiful babies in the world"
p/s : PLAYBOY is the magazine where beautiful women have no money to buy clothes.

Contestant #2 : Jon Mayjor (UK)

"I want to have 30 years supplies of Booze" p/s : Booze is liquor

Contestant #3 : Ah Beng (SGP)

"I want Saa-Lim (Salim in English) Cigarettes. 30 years supplies so I can smoke until I song"
p/s : Salim is the green packet cigarette cost 4.80 per pack

30 long years later, the 3 heros came back from their long adventure.

The world is eager to hear what the 3 men have to say .......

1.Billy was at the press conference with close to 200 children and 30 estranged women. His first remark to the press : "It has been a long sexual experience for me and I am just wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the Mother for Free".

2.Jon was still suffering from the hangovers of the booze he had the night before BUT managed to muster enough effort to shout "God save the BEER. The Queen can drink the seawater".

3.Surprisingly, Ah Beng brought back all his cigarette and on first sight of the people, his first remarks were

" $%^*#?x!! (Very vulgar Hokkien Words) Buay Kee Tua lighter leh !! (Forget my lighter in English) "

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A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and being told there were fortunes in race horses he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headline.

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time he won! The papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10. The paper stated,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says "You".

###

OOOOOnce there was an old man who lived in South Korea.
After the war, times were hard and life wasn't easy.
His occupation was that of a metal collector (the lowest job possible at that time).
He would search garbage can after garbage can, looking for scraps of metal which he could sell to the government.
He earned $10 and spent only $5 to buy food.
He lived in a hut which he built on the mountain side and was a very lonely person.
He lived a sad life for his face was severely scarred from a fire, which killed his family.
No one would look at him because he was so grotesquely scarred and because of this he kept very quiet and
avoided people when he could.
His main goal in life was to save enough money to fix his face so that he could live a normal life.

Now there was an orphan who lived in the streets every day.
His parents left him when he was only nine and because of malnutrition the boy lost his sight.
Every day the boy begged for food but the people beat him and he couldn't even run away because he was blind.
The old man saw the broken hearted boy and felt sympathy for him and took him home.
There he fed him, clothed him, and treated him like his own beloved son. The boy was joyful and was so
grateful to this person who treated him, like a loving father.

Years passed and one day he said, "I'm sorry for being so useless. I wish my eyes become better so I could
help you work. You must be so beautiful and wonderful because you took care of someone like me. Maybe one day I could see your wonderful face."

The old man became silent being too moved to say anything.

The next day he went to the hospital with the boy and asked the doctor privately how much it would cost for the
surgery to heal his face.

The doctor told him around $1,000. He asked again how much it would be to heal the young boy's sight. The doctor said $1,500 will do.

He had saved up for 10 years and had around a little more than $1,500. He went up to the young boy and said, "After you receive your sight I can't be with you, yet I shall always think of you. I want you to be happy and live a good life".
After these words he paid the doctor and the tired man left knowing he could never truly reveal himself to the one he loved so dearly.

After the surgery the boy could see again. He was filled with joy and wondered why he couldn't see the one he loved so dearly. He left and started looking for a job and soon found one at a restaurant. He became a waiter there and worked full time earning a good amount. The next day the old man came looking for metals to collect. He started searching around the garbage can of the restaurant when the manager came to tell him to leave because he was scaring the customers.

The boy soon came to his side threatening the old man to leave also. The metal collector looked at the boy and he smiled a warm smile at the boy and left not wanting the boy to see him cry his happy tears.

Later at the restaurant, the manager said to the boy, "What an ugly man"!

The boy's reply was, "I know, I hope I never see him again".

###

"To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are...."

"We live and work and dream,
each has his little scheme,
sometimes we laugh,
sometimes we cry.
And thus the days go by......"

###

Whenever you think you're having a bad day, consider....

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.
While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse

startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact
their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together.
Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

###

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

###

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded !" the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster !"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over ?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print `MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

###

Ah Meng had just finished a full day behind the wheel of his taxi and as walking home when an Ah Beng pulled up in a van, stuffed and filled with a group of 16 Ah Sengs.
Ah Beng told him they were going to see an X-rated movie, and if he jumped in,he would pay for Ah Meng's ticket. Not believing his good luck, Ah Meng asked, "Why me?"
The answer came back quickly. "We need one more person. There are only seventeen of us, and the newspaper ad says, 'Under 18 not admitted'."

###

One day, a boy was walking with his mom at the mall. As they were walking, the boy cried out to his mom, "MOM! I WANT TO GO AND PISS!"
The mother was red with embarassment and said quietly to her son, "Son, next time if you want to go to the toilet, just say that you want to go and whistle."

About a week later, the boy's parents went out for a function. The boy was under the care of his grandfather. After a hearty meal, the duo watched tv and later that night, the grandfather put the boy to bed.
Half an hour later, the boy went to his grandfather and said, "Grandpa, I want to go and whistle." The grandfather replied, "No, dear, it's too late to whistle. Go to sleep now."

20 minutes later, the boy went to his grandfather and said, "Grandpa, I must go and whistle." The grandfather replied, "No, dear, you may wake up the neighbours. Go to sleep now."

10 minutes later, the boy went to his grandfather and said, "Grandpa, I must go and whistle. If I don't whistle, I will DIE!" The grandfather sighed and replied, "Okay. If you must whistle, whistle
quietly in my ear."

And that's what the boy did...

###

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president,

"That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.
"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

###

Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Reason?

Everyone gets enough exercise by:-
jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
pushing their luck!
carry balls for the boss
shooting arrows from behind
playing balls
on the wrong balls
and playing hide and seek

###

How "THEY" Do It When It Comes to SEX :
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra do it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on comission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals

###

A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Her skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more, but she still can't get on, and lowers the zipper a third time. Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says,
"Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!" To which he replies, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times, either."

###

Once upon a time there was a man falling in love with a girl deeply.
But the girl's father didn't agree to their relationship. The girl was grounded. The boyfriend wanted to send her letters, but he knows that the girl's father is going to open it ... Here's the letter:

The great love that I have for you
is gone, and I find my dislike for you
grows every day. When I see you,
I do not even like your face;
the one thing that I want to do is to
look at other girls. I never wanted to
marry you. Our last conversation
was very boring and has not
made me look forward to seeing you again.
You think only of yourself.
If we were married, I know that I would find
life very difficult, and I would have no
pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
to give, but it is not something that
I want to give to you. No one is more
foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
able to care for me and help me.
I sincerely want you to understand that
I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
if you think this's the end. Do not try
to answer this. Your letters are full of
things that do not interest me. You have no
true love for me.
Good-bye!
Believe me,
I do not care about you. Please do not think that
I am still your boyfriend.

* If you just read the odd numbered lines, it will then turn out to be a Love Letter!!

###

There was once a tourist who visited Singapore for business. She intend to stay for quite a long period. She had to pass by a foreign bank in Shenton Way every morning in order to get to her office.

In the bank, there was this Singh security guard who caught her attention. It was his well-kept and curled moustache that attracted

her. She told herself, "I have not seen such a beautiful moustache in my life before. How I wish that I could have just strand of it as a souvenir to bring home." Thinking about this, she walked on to her office. So, as he walked pass the bank everyday before and after work just to have an admire on the man's moustache.

One day, she could not bear the feeling of the admiration any more. So she walked up to the man. "Excuse...me, mister, I admire your moustache very much as it is soooo...beautiful and well kept. Would you be so kind to give me just a strand of it for souvenir?
Pleaseee...." said the girl timidly, afraid that the man would feel offended.
On hearing this, the man pulled out his pant and took out a strand of hair and gave it to the girl. She was so shocked and said, "No..no..no., I mean a strand of your moustache.." Pointing to his moustache, he said, "Here showroom..." And pointing to his private part, he said, "There storeroom"

###

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fuckin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: No shit!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Fuck yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.


 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05