Jokes page 6

 

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

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1. Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

2. Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

3. Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

4. Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

5. Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you
can keep it.

6. Ken: These ice-cream are too expensive!
John: Stop complaining and pays with a smile.
Ken: I wish I could but the man insists on cash!

7. Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

8. Almost bald man: Why do you always charge me double? You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't have much hair!
Barber: No, no! We don't charge for cutting the hair! we charge for having to search for it!

9. New prisoner comes to prison cell.
Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?
Prisoner: On a submarine.

###

"Butterfly Kisses"
We often learn the most from our children. Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found that the box was empty.
He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us as parents has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

###

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"
The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

###

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: " What are you doing here today?"
Woman: " Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: " Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several weeks later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: " Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [ shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." >

###

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup." How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. " Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief.

But then he added,

" I've had some strange side effects."
" What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously.
" Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on."

###

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot an ignores her completely.
To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the fuck is Bob?" the husband replies.

###

Height of noise:
Two skeletons making love on a tin roof, using tin cans as condoms.

Height of frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence
A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples.

Height of Unemployment
Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.

Height of laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
A topless lady standing near mount everest.

Height of Bravery:
A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.

Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgustion:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology
Condom with zip.

Height of Pain:
Sliding down a rocky mountain using your balls as brakes Screwing a meat mincer.

Height of Expectation:
A gay couple buying a baby cot.

Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.

Height of laziness:
A man after shitting on the sea-side waiting for the tide to clean his
ass.

###

More on adam and eve!
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

###

A guy walks into a pub and grabs a seat at the bar. It's kinda' busy, so the bartender comes by and ask "What can I get for you ?", the patron replys "whiskey!". The bartender sets him up and keeps on working. He slams down the shot and puts the glass down.

The bartender comes back and says "That'll be $4.25". "Oh NO!" replies the man. "You ask me what I wanted, I told you and you GAVE it to me, you said nothing about cost!" The bartender steps back in surprise and looks down the bar at the other customers. "He's right," explains one gentleman. "I'm a lawyer and he's got every right to refuse to pay under those circumstances!" Furious, the bartender says "Get the hell outta' my bar!!".

He leaves and the bartender takes the glass off the bar. As he turns back around to wipe off the counter, he is amazed to see this guy back at the bar. "I thought I just told you to get outta' here!!" "Oh no, it couldn't have been me." The bartender leans back,crosses his arms and says "Oh REALLY! Then you must have a double!!"

"THANKS" says the guy, "and give my lawyer friend one too!"

###

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

###

This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coatpocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"No, no that's o.k. Because the Hamster is also a great Composer and Songwriter."

###

"Hello, I must say, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met."
"Thank you very much,"replied the woman.
The guy quickly follows up,"I was wondering if you'll sleep with me for a million dollars."
"A million dollars!"the girl responds. She thinks for
a moment and answers,"Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars."
"How about five bucks,"responds the guys.
"Five bucks,What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"We're already determined that,"he replies,"Now we are just negotiating the price."

###

24 Hours to live

The doctor said to the man, "I have bad news and worst news, which one you want to hear first?" The man said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor said to the man "I am sorry but after diagnosing you for the past month I discovered that you are suffering from a rare disease....and that you have only 24 hours left to live.." The man upon hearing this was shocked. Nevertheless he manage to compose himself and asked the doctor "What could possibly be WORST than that?" The doctor said "Oh, I've been trying to get you since yesterday."

###

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and NUS. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired.

All applicants agreed that this was fair. The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought." "Why do you say that?" asked the president. "Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink." "Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked him, then called in next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was and after hesitating for a brief electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from NUS was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" "That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!" Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?" "Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK............. ,BLINK............ , or TURN ON THE LIGHTS...................., I shit all over myself!!!!!"
(He got the job....)

###

A man walks into a pub and buys three pints of Guinness, takes them to a table and sits down. For the next hour or so he sits there taking a sip out of each glass in turn. Eventually the bar man can't suppress his curiosity any longer so he goes over and asks "Why did you buy three pints for yourself and why are you drinking them all at the same time." "I'm from a very close family" replied the man "And once a week my two brothers and I used to go to a pub and have a pint of Guinness each. Now we've all moved apart but we agreed that every week at the same time we'd all go to our nearest pub have a drink for each of us, as if we're together." The barman thinks this is really touching. Over the next few months the man sticks to his word and once a week comes in to the pub and orders three pints of Guinness. Then one day he orders two, takes them to a table and starts sipping them alternately.

The barman goes over "I'd like to say on behalf of myself and the rest of the staff how sorry we are at the loss of one of your brothers." "Oh, my brothers are fine" says the man "it's just I've given up drinking."

###

In in the heart of Texas, far away from city there is a farmhouse. In this farmhouse lived a family of four; the father, mother and two young brothers.

One evening, a car passed by and broke down infront of the farmhouse. The lady driver have no choice but to approach the farmhouse owner for a overnight stay until daylight to can see what happened to her car.

The farmer agreed on the condition that the lady should only stay in her room for the night and do not disturb anybody especially his two young son. The lady agreed.

While the lady was trying to sleep, she hear the boys next door playing and being far away from the city for such a long time, she has a strong sexual urge and getting horny.

Quietly she make her way to the boys room. When the boys saw the lady, they will very curious. The only woman they have seen is only their mother. The lady said to the boys:"Boys do you want to try some grow up game which is execiting and enjoyable?". The boys nodded. The lady took 2 condoms and put on for the boys. The lady said to the boys :"At all times, do not take this out or else I will be pregnant. Is this understood?" and the boys nodded again.

For the night, they have a wonderful time and the lady left the next morning after repairing her car.

Fifty year later, in the same farmhouse in the heart of Texas. Now the two brother have become grew old. They sat on their rocking chair infront of their farmhouse talking and recalling of the good old times.

The younger brother asked the older brother if he still remember the lady driver that sneaked into their room and give them their first sexual experience and does he have any feeling for her. The older brother reply:"So what? Let forget about her as it has been such a long time".

Happily, the younger brother said:"OK. Then we should take out the condom and don't care if she is pregnant." Happily they took out their 50 year old condom......

###

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn
to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

###

A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"

All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.

"Lil' Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.

He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"

###

Famous beer quotes

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
* Kaiser Wilhelm

###

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's
Capitol to help the Head man do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most challenging. Why, you might be
asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was,
debriefing the president... ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic!"
* M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out the information form below and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov

Name: ____________
Hometown: _________________
Sex: F__ Age: ____
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
____-____-____

How many beers it takes to get you...
... Giggly
... Drunk
... Hot
... To lie to a federal prosecutor

Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) MidEast policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading and studying
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House

Score 1 point for each A, 2 for each B, 3 for each C, and 4 for each D. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

Uncle Bill wants you !

###

Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"

The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"

"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"

Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?"

"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too."

After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"

Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"

"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"

###

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

###

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

###
Why is Kissing Good for You?

It's Good for you because...
...it helps prevent tooth decay. Dr Peter Gorden, Dental Advisor at the British Dental Association, explains. "After eating, your mouth is full of sugar solution and acidic saliva, which cause plaque build up. Kissing is nature's own cleaning process," he adds. "It stimulates saliva flow and brings plaque levels down to normal."

...it relieves tension. A passionate kiss is a great relaxation technique, says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. " When your mouth is in a kissing position, you're almost smiling and, as our emotions and body language are so closely linked, it's almost impossible to smile and feel tense at the same time, " she explains. "Also, your breathing becomes deeper and your eyes close when u kiss - that's what u do when u relax. It's a perfect way to shut out the world."

...it helps you lose weight. "A long kiss makes the metabolism burn up sugar faster than usual," says Claire
Potter. "The calories burned depend on the intensity, but u can rely on 10 calories for every 10 minutes."

...it slows the ageing process. "Kissing helps to tone ur cheek and jaw muscles, so they're less likely to sag," says Cosmo's Fitness Consultant, Claire Potter.

...it increases fitness levels. Your heart is pumping, your pulse is racing..."If kissing is exciting, you release adrenaline into the bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body," says Dr Susan Hotchkies. "It's a great cardiovascular workout."

...it is a good indication of what's to come. Kissing a new man gives you the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones - the chemical messengers that signal sexual attraction. " The first kiss is always a good way to work out if there's any chemistry between you, "says Paul Brown, a sexual and marital therapist. " In humans, it's thought that smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your pheromones aren't 'in tune', you're unlikely to hit off in other areas."

And finally,

...it boosts self - esteem. There's nothing better than a passionate kiss for a major dose of feel - good factor. "In theory, when u're kissing, you're happy. And when you're happy, you feel good about yourself,"says psychotherapist Paul Zeal.

(doesn't it make you feel like kissing someone now?)
There u have it..WHy Kissing Iz Good for YOU!

###

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

###

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

###

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel !!!'

###

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozenmen got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. Hetold me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"

I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared" So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father."

Well, a little.... at first."

###

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

###

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

###

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supplyboat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude." she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.

The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been onthe front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?

"The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant.You are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down.The lady wasspeechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

###

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

###

"Random Slogans"

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
Do not start with me. You will not win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

###

Two guys had grown up together since they were young. As fate would have it, one guy grew up being a total ladies' man, and the other guy became a total nerd. One summer day the nerd could stand it no longer. He asked his friend how he picked up all the chicks. His friend answered, "Just put a potato down your pants and parade up and down the beach, they'll just run to you."

So the geek said, "Okay! I'll give it a try!"

So the next day he put a potato in his pants and went down to a crowded beach loaded with chicks in bikinis. He saw his friend surrounded by girls as usual, but none came to him. All he got was a few weird stares from older men. Dismayed, he went home.

The next day he went to his friend's house and told him his dramatic story. His friend shook his head and said, "Buddy, you were supposed to put the potato in the front!"

###

Who am I?

I'M
ABOUT
8
INCHES
LONG.

MY FUNCTIONING
IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.

I'M
USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING
LOOSELY,
READY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.

I BOAST
A CLUMP OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE END
AND
SMALL
HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE,
I'M
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO A
WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST OPENING.

THERE
I'M
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND AGAIN
MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING
BODILY
MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.

WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN,
I LEAVE
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
STICKY WHITE
SUBSTANCE,
SOME OF WHICH WILL
NEED
CLEANING
FROM
THE
OUTER
SURFACES
OF THE OPENING AND
SOME FROM
MY
LONG
GLISTENING
SHAFT.

AFTER
EVERYTHING IS
DONE
AND
THE
FLOWING
AND
CLEANSING
LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
EMANATING,
I
RETURN
TO MY
FREELY
HANGING STATE
OF REST,
READY FOR
YET
ANOTHER
BIT OF
ACTION.

HOPEFULLY,
I WILL
REACH MY
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES A DAY,
BUT OFTEN
IT IS
MUCH LESS.

WHO AM I ????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN....


TOOTHBRUSH !!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What were you thinking? You PERVERT!

###

What guys say...
and
What they mean...

It is just orange juice, try it.
=
3 more shots, and she'll have her
legs around my head.


She's kind of cute
=
I want to bang her till I am blue


I don't know if I like her
=
She won't blow me


I need you
=
My hand is tired


I had her
=
I had (wet dreams about) her all week


I really want to get to know you better
=
...so I can tell my friends about it


How do I compare with all you other boyfriends?
=
Is my penis really that small?


You're the only girl I've ever cared about
=
You are the only girl who has not rejected me


I want you back
=
...for tonight anyway


We've been through so much together
=
If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity


I miss you so much
=
I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good


No, I do not want to dance right now
=
Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on


The break-up should not start for another 24 hours
=
I want to have sex a few more times


I am different from all the other guys
=
I am not circumsized

###

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks!!"

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down! They all looked at each other for a moment.

Then the first gal says, "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog!!!"

###

50 FACTS ABOUT WOMEN

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man a women see is "Ken".

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man- language.

36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys.
(which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

###

There was this new army recruit going through the rigors of boot camp. One morning at inspection, the D.I. said "men, today we're going to have war games. I'll divide you up into the blue and red armies. Afterwards you all go over to the quarter master and get your weapons."

Naturally, since before this, they had been doing nothing but exercising, running, digging trenches and not been allowed to touch any kind of weapon, the recruit was extremely anxious to finally get into actual combat training. He ran over to the quarter master's window, but unfortunately there was a long line ahead of him. He had to wait nearly an hour to get up to the window.

When it was his turn, the quarter master said, "I'm sorry buddy, but I'm all out of rifles." The recruit pleaded with him, saying, "Look, I've been digging dirt for weeks and now you tell me I can't play in the war games?"

The quarter master said, "okay, buddy, I'll tell you what I'll do. There's a broom handle you can use that." The recruit said, "What in the heck am I supposed to do with a broom handle?" The quarter master replied, "Look, everybody knows funds are short and we don't have enough supplies to go around, when you see the enemy, just point the broom handle and say Bangety-bang-bang. He'll know that he's been shot." The recruit reluctantly agreed. The quarter master then instructed him to go over to the next window for his bayonet.

Alas, when he got the the next window, there was a line even longer than at the previous window. By the time it was his turn, the clerk started to close the widow, saying he was all out of bayonets. The recruit banged on the window and said. "Hey, you just gotta find me a bayonet, I've been standing in line for an hour at the first window and another hour and all I got was a broom handle. I've been standing at this window for an hour and a half!" The clerk said, "Okay, Here's a popsicle stick, just tape it to the end of your broom handle." The recruit said, "A popsicle stick!! What am I supposed to do with that?" The clerk said, "Look buddy, everybody knows how short handed we are, just point your bayonet and say stickety-stick-stick. The enemy will know he's been Injured." The recruit begrudgingly went over to join the war games and was assigned to protect a vital road.

He mumbled to himself, "What in the heck am I going to do with a broom handle and a popsicle stick?" All of a sudden, he saw one of the red army soldiers hiding in the bushes. Half heartedly he raised his broom handle and yelled, "Bangety-bang-bang." The enemy immediately fell over. Just then he heard a noise. As he turned, he saw another enemy soldier right behind him. Almost on instinct, he turned, jabbed out his broom handle and yelled,"stickety-stick-stick" The enemy fell over. The recruit thought, "Wow!, I guess this really does work!"

Just then he looked down the road and saw another soldier from the opposing army running at breakneck speed straight for him. He lifted up his broom handle and yelled, "Bangety-bang-bang." Nothing! The enemy kept running right at him, just barreling down the road. The recruit pointed his broom once more and yelled even louder, "Bangety-bang-bang! Bangety-bang-bang!" Again, the other soldier kept right on coming, even faster than before, and by this time was right on top of the recruit. He raised his popsicle stick and yelled, "Stickety-stick-stick." Just then the two collided. The poor recruit was thrown into the ditch, head-over-heels.

Dazed, he lifted his head to see the other soldier running on down the road, continuing on past him, yelling, "Tankety-tank-tank! Tankety-tank-tank!"

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05