Jokes page 5

 

Grandma Bought a Bumper Sticker for Her Old Buick

She writes:

Dear Family:
The other day I went to the local Christian Book Store where I saw a 'Honk if You Love Jesus' sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad that I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of folks who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started honking like crazy! He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled "Jesus Christ"! as loud as he could! It was like a football game, with him shouting "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!"

Everyone else was soon honking as well, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people! There was some guy from Florida because I could hear him yelling about a " sunny beach" and I saw him wave at me in a peculiar way-sticking his middle finger up in the air. Luckily, I had just asked my two Grandsons what such a gesture meant and they had looked at each other and giggled, and told me it was Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and returned his gesture.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they actually got out of their cars and began to walk toward me! I assumed they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed green, so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only one to make it through the intersection before it turned back to red. Not wanting the experience to end, I looked back, and seeing all those good folks standing around, I leaned out the window and with a wide smile, held up the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign as I sped away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.

Love you all,
Grandma

###

If you fart consistantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb.
JM: For the sake of world peace and mankind, please do not attempt this.

###

English Is A Crazy Language

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the
plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese.... One blouse, 2 blice?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" be the same, while a "wise man" and "wise guy" are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while "quite a lot" and "quite a few" are alike? How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, rulyor peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

###

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

###

Dilbert's Laws of Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worst will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted be a difficult question you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

###

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh**-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashingyellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be apolice officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

###

What to Say When You
Are Caught

A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend (or
any girl as a matter of fact).

1.I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
2.Look at that guy...over there...the one behind the woman.
3.I swear I think that's a man dressed as a woman.
4.Isn't that the actress from the movie "Delicatessen"? (Chances are she hasn't seen the movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points for naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to
distract her.)
5.I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.
6.Help me, I got something in my eye...can't see a thing.
7.I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you.
8.Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a bitch.
9.I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. (It will help if youstart convulsing at little at the end here...maybe it will camouflage your drool).
10.I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you. (This one might either get you punched or laid, but it's worth the gamble).
11.Do you think that she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine).

###

And now, from a very popular genre, our first blonde joke (no disrespectto our blonde friends - this was sent by one anyways!).

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot
and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,
before replying "Mandy!".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what
were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

###

Haircuts -- The difference between men and women

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that
would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on
you. I mean,look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

###

What if Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'causethe index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and
your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this? What a shame, sir! We'll find you another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in thewindow are as wavy as a
souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer, and be sure to tell your mom!

###

This gives a whole new meaning to "dress for success".

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowedto his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put onand lead the crew to battle
the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the captain and
asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continueto fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew
cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my redshirt!"

Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

###

Engineers vs. Programmers

On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of computer programmers and a bunch of engineers. Each of a programmers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket.

The programmers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train. When one of the engineers, the lookout said, "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into
the bathroom. The programmers were puzzled.

The conductor came abroad, said "ticket please" and got tickets from all the computer programmers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please". The engineer stuck the ticket under under the
door. The conductor took it and moved on. A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom.

The computer programmers felt really stupid

On the way back from the convention, the group of programmers decided that the would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car. Again the programmers started snickering at the engineers.

This time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said "Conductor Coming!", all the engineers
went to one bathroom and all the computer programmers went to the other bathroom.

Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom, knocked on programmers bathroom,
and said "ticket please."

###

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in
concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too
walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones
are?"

###

Kiasu Class

A to Z of Kiasu's Philosophy

A
Always must win
B
Borrow but never return
C
Cheap is good
D
Don't trust anyone
E
Everything also must grab!
F
Free! Free! Free!
G
Grab first talk later!
H
Help yourself to everything
I
I first, I want, I everything
J
Jump queue
K
Keep coming back for more
L
Look for discounts
M
Must not lose face
N
Never mind what they think
O
Outdo everyone you know!
P
Pay only when necessary
Q
Quit while you're ahead
R
Rushing and Pushing win the race
S
Samples are always welcome
T
Take but don't give
U
Unless it's free, forget it
V
Vow to be number one
W
Winner takes it all! all! all!
X
x'tra = more!
Y
Yell if necessary to get what you want
Z
Zebras are kiasu because they want to be black and white at the same time

###

Think smart and act blur
.... Kiasu School of Thought

Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5 'C's ... Car, Condo, Credit Card (Gold), Cash and Career.

The latest is 5 'K's ...

Kiasu
(scared of loosing)
Kiasee
(scared of dying)
Kiabor
(scared of wife)
Kiaboh
(scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu
(scared of government)

###

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), panting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she
pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage and slings her in with the
gorilla.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

###

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 22, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the
Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill
Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as
wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve
Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed,
"and look how well we're doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that
discussions are taking place."

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect
lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in Software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people
to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation In the
history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in
Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

###

A king in Africa who had a close friend he'd grown up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that occurred, positive or negative, and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, and when the king fired it, his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked, "This is good!". To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and threw him in jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they were starting the fire, they noticed the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate
anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right" he said, "it was
good that my thumb was blown off." He told his friend what had happened, and said, I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"

"What do you mean, 'this is good'?! How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."

###

If You Love Someone

This is the original version
............

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

The New Versions.....

Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was...

Optimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:

1.If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
2.If you love someone,
Set her free ...
but get someone to follow her
3.If you love someone,...
are you sure you love that someone?

Go-getter:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, go get her !

Hunter:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
on't even wait whether she comes back, go hunt her down!

Impatient:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time, forget her.

Patient:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back
...

Playful:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

C++ Programmer:

if(you-love(m_she))
m_she-free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Posessive:

If you love someone,
Set her free?
NEVER!

Paranoid:

If you love someone,
When you let her go,
she'll be out to get you.

Fascist:

If you love someone,
Set her free..
She WILL come back or be shot.
She WILL be yours or be shot.

Old-Fashioned/Conservative:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
But only if chaperoned by her parents.

Animal-Rights Activist:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!

Lawyers:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to
get an upgrade.

Biologist :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.

Statisticians :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Dental hygienist :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll be back when the cavity strikes.

Shwarzenegger's fans :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Weatherman :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, it's back! If she doesn't... who cares!

Pathetic :

If you love someone,
set her free,
If she comes back, okay! if she doesn't, how could she!

Sore-loser :

If you love someone,
Let her go,
If she comes back, dump her!
If she doesn't, make up bad stories about her.

###

Top Ten Anti-Windows
Lawsuits

You know, we're getting really tired of doing lawsuit-based top ten lists, but this week's Justice Department suit against Microsoft is just too good to pass up. So here we go again, with the top ten *other* items that will have to be removed from Windows 98 if the legal beagles have their way...

10. Recycle bin: infringes on Rubbermaid's line of waste receptacles.

9. Icons: the Russian Orthodox Church has been making icons for 2,000 years.

8. DOS prompt: unfair competition with Unix.

7. Windows Explorer: Ford claims likely product-line confusion with its sport-utility vehicles.

6. Desktop wallpaper: unfair to Taylor Wall Coverings.

5. CD player control: makes your PC the world's most expensive CD player; Bang & Olufssen claims that trade as
its own.

4. Volume control: infringes on Radio Shack's knob and slider business.

3. Calculator: competes with Hewlett-Packard.

2. Minesweeper: undermines U.S. Navy recruiting programs.

1. All the Easter eggs in Windows that say "Janet Reno is the Antichrist": better safe than sorry...

###

3 Biggest Software Lies:
The program's fully tested and bug-free.
We're working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
Immediate delivery?...No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
We're going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
Some day this course will come in handy.
These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:
Money...it's just a score card.
If it were up to me, there would be no assigned parking spaces.
You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

3 Biggest undergraduate student starting Physics Lies:
There are plenty of jobs out there for Physics graduates.
You'll make lots of money in your professional career.
The general public respect Physicists.

3 Biggest student teacher lies:
The school will help and support you all they can.
This teaching course is interesting and stimulating.
Kids today are just the same as when you went to school.

3 Biggest advertising lies:
This product will taste as good as it looks.
You really need our product.
If you use our product you will have sex with the same kinds of people as you see in our ad.

3 Biggest mail order lies:
Delivery of your product will occur within 30 days of ordering it.
If you're not satisfied with our product we will guarantee a full refund.
We offer repair of your product free of charge with an accredited repairer in your home State.

3 Biggest retail industry lies:
Our staff are courteous and considerate.
We try to help you with your problem.
You can exchange or get full refund on an item that you're not satisfied with.

3 Biggest politician lies:
I'll be factual and to the point.
I'll give you a straightforward answer to your question.
The government doesn't waste taxpayers money.

3 Biggest parent lies:
We're doing this for your own interest.
You can have that (do that) later (when you're older).
The family can't afford it now.

3 Biggest super-models lies:
Women normally look like that.
Women should look like that.
Fasting and dieting is good for your health.

3 Biggest beer ads lies:
Drinking beer is for macho men only.
You'll meet good lifelong frriends drinking beer
Women think drunken loudmouths are sexy.

3 Biggest life lies:
..and they lived happily ever after.
Dying is painless.
Things have gotten so bad that they couldn't possibly get worse.

###

Advice to the Boss on How to Enhance Our Working Relationship

1.Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2.If it's really a 'rush job', run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3.Always leave without telling anyone where your going. It gives me the chance to be creative when somebody asks me where you are.
4.If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to be more independent and do without any help, which is why I work here..
5.If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. It builds management skills and my inate ability of mind reading.
6.Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and I really have nowhere to go and nothing else to do. My life is yours.
7.If a job pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8.If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9.If you have any special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done, or better yet until it is done, so I can learn repetitive perfection doing it your way.
10.Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11.Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12.Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone else is less fortunate.

###

What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did....

HelpLine: "General Motors
HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

HelpLine: "General Motors
HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HelpLine: "General Motors
HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!

HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

HelpLine: "General Motors
HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

###

ISU RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Here's another classic Internet joke

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have hown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

###

Computers DO Have A Gender

Five reasons computers must be female...

1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3.The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4.The message, "Bad command or file name," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

In the interest of gender equality ...

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

1.They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
2.They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3.They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
4.They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already got so much invested in the darn thing that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
5.They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

###

There once was a man named Babi and Babi knew EVERYBODY!

Once when Babi got a new job, the boss asked him,"What can you offer the company?" Babi said to his new boss, "Well, for one thing, I know EVERYBODY." His boss didn't believe him and said, " You can't mean literally EVERYBODY, right?" Babi said," Yes, I k now EVERYBODY and I can prove it. Just pick someone, and I'll show you that I know him!"

Well, Babi's boss thought for a minute and then came up with a name.

"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Babi said. "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids! Just come with me and I'll prove it." So they flew off to Hollywood and drove up to Tom Selleck's house. Babi knocked on the door and Tom Selleck answered and Babi went"Tom!!!" and Tom went "Babi!" and they hugged and talked for 30 mins and Babi's boss couldn't believe it.

But then he thought,"Well, that could happen, it's just one person, it's not impossible that a common man could know one famous person." He told Babi that he thought it was just a coincidence and Babi said " OK,pick somebody else!" This time, Babi's boss said," The president, Bill Clinton! You can't possibly know President Bill Clinton!" But Babi said, " Oh yes I do! Bill and I met some time ago, and we have been good friends ever since." So they flew to Washington and they caught up with the President at a press conference. They worked their way through the crowd until Babi got close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waved "Bill!" and the President waved "Babi!" and after the press conference, they hugged and talked for 30 mins and Babi's boss was stunned - he couldn't believe it.

But the boss told Babi," Well, anyone can know 2 famous people from the same country, it's just a coincidence." Then Babi said, " Alright, name someone from another country altogether!" The boss said, "The Pope! I'll bet anything that you do not know the Pope!" But Babi said, " The Pope? The Pope BAPTISED me!" Babi's boss said, " No he didn't" and Babi said, " Yes he did!". So they flew to Rome where the Pope was about to appear before the people. A huge crowd had gathered to see the Pope. They worked their way through the crowd, but without much luck. So Babsi said, " Boss, we are never gonna get there together through all these people, so I tell you what --- I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" a nd he left.

Well, Babi's boss waited and waited among the crowds and just when he was about to give up and leave, he saw the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him was Babi! Shortly afterwards, Babi's boss passed out.

When Babi's boss woke up, he was in hospital and Babi was standing next to him. "How are you feeling Boss? What happened?"

Babi's boss looks at Babi and said, "OK, I can take you knowing Tom Selleck, and I can take you knowing Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when the guy who stood next to me asked 'Who's that up there with Babi? THAT'S a little more than I can take!"

###

Prison Life vs Full-Time Job

1.In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
2.In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
3.In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
4.At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
5.In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
6.In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
7.In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
8.In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
9.In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
10.In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
11.In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at anytime.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
12.In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

###

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before; in your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, " Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!

"That was the DEMO," replied God.

###

A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMS, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match.

Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.

They were both there writing for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card, unopened, in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?

Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amaze- ment, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remark- able progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!" "How so?", asked his mom.

"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

###

This one has been making the rounds for several years, but still gets a chuckle...

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything.

Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0.. A "Don't remind me again" button Minimize button Shutdown feature An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other >objects) "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but I had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing - in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Partitioning or timesharing is only a temporary solution as Wife 1.0 has an extensive intruder detection functions/procedures and Mistress 1.1 can put a high demand on system resources if used too much.

###

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work = Power * Time

Since Knowledge = Power,
and Time = Money, we have: Work = Knowledge * Money

Solving for Money, we get:
Work
Money = ---------
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.


 

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05