Jokes page 5
Grandma Bought a Bumper Sticker for Her Old Buick She writes: Dear Family: I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of folks who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started honking like crazy! He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled "Jesus Christ"! as loud as he could! It was like a football game, with him shouting "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else was soon honking as well, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people! There was some guy from Florida because I could hear him yelling about a " sunny beach" and I saw him wave at me in a peculiar way-sticking his middle finger up in the air. Luckily, I had just asked my two Grandsons what such a gesture meant and they had looked at each other and giggled, and told me it was Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and returned his gesture. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they actually got out of their cars and began to walk toward me! I assumed they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed green, so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only one to make it through the intersection before it turned back to red. Not wanting the experience to end, I looked back, and seeing all those good folks standing around, I leaned out the window and with a wide smile, held up the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign as I sped away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people. Love you all, ### If you fart consistantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create an atomic bomb. ### English Is A Crazy Language Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" be the same, while a "wise man" and "wise guy" are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while "quite a lot" and "quite a few" are alike? How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, rulyor peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. ### Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad ### Dilbert's Laws of Work A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
### The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time? Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully? Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashingyellow traffic light? Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? Q: Why would it be difficult to be apolice officer? ### What to Say When You A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another
woman by their wife or girlfriend (or 1.I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully) ### And now, from a very popular genre, our first blonde joke (no disrespectto our blonde friends - this was sent by one anyways!). A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.
She then traps one end under her foot This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds,
mouthing something silently to herself, The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just
out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers
to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious,
but what "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ". ### Haircuts -- The difference between men and women Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on Men's version: Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah. ### What if Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing? Here's an easy game to play. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking
icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'causethe
index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and You can't say this? What a shame, sir! We'll find you another game, sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your
icons in thewindow are as wavy as a When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer, and be sure to tell your mom! ### This gives a whole new meaning to "dress for success". Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowedto his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain
put onand lead the crew to battle The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when
an ensign looked to the captain and The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continueto fight unafraid." The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred. Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!" ### Engineers vs. Programmers On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of computer programmers and a bunch of engineers. Each of a programmers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket. The programmers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to
get caught and thrown off the train. When one of the engineers, the lookout
said, "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went
into The conductor came abroad, said "ticket please" and got tickets
from all the computer programmers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked
on the door and said "ticket please". The engineer stuck the
ticket under under the The computer programmers felt really stupid On the way back from the convention, the group of programmers decided that the would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car. Again the programmers started snickering at the engineers. This time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said "Conductor
Coming!", all the engineers Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom,
knocked on programmers bathroom, ### Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the
side of a lake and closed their eyes in When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to
put my other underwear to dry." He too The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water. Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched. After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do
you think we should tell him where the stones ### Kiasu Class A to Z of Kiasu's Philosophy A ### Think smart and act blur Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5 'C's ... Car, Condo, Credit Card (Gold), Cash and Career. The latest is 5 'K's ... Kiasu ### It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), panting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. The husband suggests she Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door
to the cage and slings her in with the "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!" ### FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 22, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made
by the Department of Justice, the "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions
for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course"
be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
Gates said, "We don't deny that Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT")
is the worldwide leader in Software for personal computers, and democratic
government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for
public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making
it easier and more enjoyable for people About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America
is the most successful nation In the ### A king in Africa who had a close friend he'd grown up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that occurred, positive or negative, and remarking, "This is good!" One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, and when the king fired it, his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked, "This is good!". To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and threw him in jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they were starting the fire, they noticed the king was missing a thumb.
Being superstitious, they never ate As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his
thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately
to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right" he said,
"it was "No," his friend replied, "this is good!" "What do you mean, 'this is good'?! How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?" "If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you." ### If You Love Someone This is the original version If you love someone, The New Versions..... Pessimist: If you love someone, Optimist: If you love someone, Suspicious: 1.If you love someone, Go-getter: If you love someone, Hunter: If you love someone, Impatient: If you love someone, Patient: If you love someone, Playful: If you love someone, C++ Programmer: if(you-love(m_she)) Posessive: If you love someone, Paranoid: If you love someone, Fascist: If you love someone, Old-Fashioned/Conservative: If you love someone, Animal-Rights Activist: If you love someone, Lawyers: If you love someone, Bill Gates : If you love someone, Biologist : If you love someone, Statisticians : If you love someone, Dental hygienist : If you love someone, Shwarzenegger's fans : If you love someone, Weatherman : If you love someone, Pathetic : If you love someone, Sore-loser : If you love someone, ### Top Ten Anti-Windows You know, we're getting really tired of doing lawsuit-based top ten lists, but this week's Justice Department suit against Microsoft is just too good to pass up. So here we go again, with the top ten *other* items that will have to be removed from Windows 98 if the legal beagles have their way... 10. Recycle bin: infringes on Rubbermaid's line of waste receptacles. 9. Icons: the Russian Orthodox Church has been making icons for 2,000 years. 8. DOS prompt: unfair competition with Unix. 7. Windows Explorer: Ford claims likely product-line confusion with its sport-utility vehicles. 6. Desktop wallpaper: unfair to Taylor Wall Coverings. 5. CD player control: makes your PC the world's most expensive CD player;
Bang & Olufssen claims that trade as 4. Volume control: infringes on Radio Shack's knob and slider business. 3. Calculator: competes with Hewlett-Packard. 2. Minesweeper: undermines U.S. Navy recruiting programs. 1. All the Easter eggs in Windows that say "Janet Reno is the Antichrist": better safe than sorry... ### 3 Biggest Software Lies: 3 Biggest Computer Room Lies: 3 Biggest Large Company Lies: 3 Biggest Small Company Lies: 3 Biggest Marketing Lies: 3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies: 3 Biggest Executive Lies: 3 Biggest undergraduate student starting Physics Lies: 3 Biggest student teacher lies: 3 Biggest advertising lies: 3 Biggest mail order lies: 3 Biggest retail industry lies: 3 Biggest politician lies: 3 Biggest parent lies: 3 Biggest super-models lies: 3 Biggest beer ads lies: 3 Biggest life lies: ### Advice to the Boss on How to Enhance Our Working Relationship 1.Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. ### What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did.... HelpLine: "General Motors Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" HelpLine: "General Motors Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" HelpLine: "General Motors Customer: "Your cars suck!" HelpLine: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!" HelpLine: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" HelpLine: "General Motors Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" ### ISU RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT Here's another classic Internet joke AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second. Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have hown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ### Computers DO Have A Gender Five reasons computers must be female... 1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic. In the interest of gender equality ... TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE 1.They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment. ### There once was a man named Babi and Babi knew EVERYBODY! Once when Babi got a new job, the boss asked him,"What can you offer the company?" Babi said to his new boss, "Well, for one thing, I know EVERYBODY." His boss didn't believe him and said, " You can't mean literally EVERYBODY, right?" Babi said," Yes, I k now EVERYBODY and I can prove it. Just pick someone, and I'll show you that I know him!" Well, Babi's boss thought for a minute and then came up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Babi said. "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids! Just come with me and I'll prove it." So they flew off to Hollywood and drove up to Tom Selleck's house. Babi knocked on the door and Tom Selleck answered and Babi went"Tom!!!" and Tom went "Babi!" and they hugged and talked for 30 mins and Babi's boss couldn't believe it. But then he thought,"Well, that could happen, it's just one person, it's not impossible that a common man could know one famous person." He told Babi that he thought it was just a coincidence and Babi said " OK,pick somebody else!" This time, Babi's boss said," The president, Bill Clinton! You can't possibly know President Bill Clinton!" But Babi said, " Oh yes I do! Bill and I met some time ago, and we have been good friends ever since." So they flew to Washington and they caught up with the President at a press conference. They worked their way through the crowd until Babi got close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waved "Bill!" and the President waved "Babi!" and after the press conference, they hugged and talked for 30 mins and Babi's boss was stunned - he couldn't believe it. But the boss told Babi," Well, anyone can know 2 famous people from the same country, it's just a coincidence." Then Babi said, " Alright, name someone from another country altogether!" The boss said, "The Pope! I'll bet anything that you do not know the Pope!" But Babi said, " The Pope? The Pope BAPTISED me!" Babi's boss said, " No he didn't" and Babi said, " Yes he did!". So they flew to Rome where the Pope was about to appear before the people. A huge crowd had gathered to see the Pope. They worked their way through the crowd, but without much luck. So Babsi said, " Boss, we are never gonna get there together through all these people, so I tell you what --- I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" a nd he left. Well, Babi's boss waited and waited among the crowds and just when he was about to give up and leave, he saw the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him was Babi! Shortly afterwards, Babi's boss passed out. When Babi's boss woke up, he was in hospital and Babi was standing next to him. "How are you feeling Boss? What happened?" Babi's boss looks at Babi and said, "OK, I can take you knowing Tom Selleck, and I can take you knowing Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when the guy who stood next to me asked 'Who's that up there with Babi? THAT'S a little more than I can take!" ### Prison Life vs Full-Time Job 1.In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. ### Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before; in your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, " Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????! "That was the DEMO," replied God. ### A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMS, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match. Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing. They were both there writing for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card, unopened, in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amaze- ment, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remark- able progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!" "How so?", asked his mom. "When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" ### This one has been making the rounds for several years, but still gets a chuckle... Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0.. A "Don't remind me again" button Minimize button Shutdown feature An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other >objects) "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but I had to say it) I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing - in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING******** ### Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. As every engineer knows, Work = Power * Time Since Knowledge = Power, Solving for Money, we get: Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done. Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make. Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out
of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an
undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of
ignorance.
If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take
it down or put a reference to it's origin. But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes! |
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Last Updated: 02.06.05 |