Jokes page 4
"I think I have a problem, doc," says the patient, "one
of my balls has turned blue".
So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says:
If IBM Made Toasters
If IBM made toasters...
If Xerox made toasters...
If Radio Shack made toasters...
If Oracle made toasters...
If Sun made toasters...
Does DEC still make toasters?...
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
If Tandem made toasters...
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
If Cray made toasters...
If SGI made toasters...
If Sony made toasters...
If CostCo made toasters...
And, of course:
A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
Well, squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
What? roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
Sir, answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
Bull! roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
Yeah, Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had
a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.
For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - Its an annual honour given to the persons who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again.
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41 year old man got stuck and drowned in
2 feet of water after squeezing himself head first through an 8 inch sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
3. Buxton, N.C.: A man died on a beach when an 8 foot deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. He was pronounced dead at hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was buglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could penetrate the flack vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with 4 bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7 year old boy fell off a 100 foot high bluff near Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22 calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinet in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyrai, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned down the first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter stick of dynamite that blew up in t heir car. While driving around at 2am, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far -- In Betulia, Columbia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbitised. Said one participant, "its just one bull against a town of a thousand morons".
5. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents:
* Sherry Moeller incurred a head wound caused by flying masonry.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building where Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcorans teeth. Vegas was tossed around in his cab. The crash of the cab against the building made Klesick jump, tearing Corcorans gums with the cleaning pick. In shock, Corcoran bit down, severing two fingers from Klesicks hand. Meanwhile, Moeller was hit by a falling piece of the medical building.
6. TAOS, N.M. - A woman went to a poison control centre after eating three birth control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realised something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Centre, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
7. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma centre after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tiles, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that Mr Mendozas phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor."
8. Tacoma, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew of a person who had bunjee jumped from
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of linemans cable lay nearby.
9. Bremerton, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half gallon bottle of perfume at the d og. Thebottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was placed in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent 8 hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilise the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dogs teeth to the penis per-se is minimal. Its really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."
A guy walks into a pub and grabs a seat at the bar. It's kinda' busy, so the bartender comes by and ask "What can I get for you ?", the patron replys "whiskey!". The bartender sets him up and keeps on working. He slams down the shot and puts the glass down.
The bartender comes back and says "That'll be $4.25". "Oh NO!" replies the man. "You ask me what I wanted, I told you and you GAVE it to me, you said nothing about cost!" The bartender steps back in surprise and looks down the bar at the other customers. "He's right," explains one gentleman. "I'm a lawyer and he's got every right to refuse to pay under those circumstances!" Furious, the bartender says "Get the hell outta' my bar!!".
He leaves and the bartender takes the glass off the bar. As he turns back around to wipe off the counter, he is amazed to see this guy back at the bar. "I thought I just told you to get outta' here!!" "Oh no, it couldn't have been me." The bartender leans back,crosses his arms and says "Oh REALLY! Then you must have a double!!"
"THANKS" says the guy, "and give my lawyer friend one too!"
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
1st Lawyer : You're a fool
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. (Now, that's really hmm...)
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to
visit on his vacation. He wrote:
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had
a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Cannot decide who shall pay on a date???
If HE's a guy with any interest in seeing her again:
If HE's cheap:
If HE pays but SHE doesn't want to seem like a freeloader:
If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's a nice person, and they're going
to a good place:
If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's nice, and they're going to a cheap
If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not a nice person, and they're going
to a good place:
If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not nice, and they're going to a
If SHE asked him out, it's his birthday, and they're in love:
If SHE asked him out and it's not his birthday but HE knows what's good
The pessimist cannot decide who shall pay the bill;
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon
with her for $500. So they do.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately return the check for $250 with the following note :
"Hello, I must say, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever
There were two statues in the park - a boy statue and a girl statue.
One day, an angel fluttered by and clicked its fingers. The statues came
to life and the angel said, "I am the angel of the statues. I can
bring you to life for only fifteen minutes and you are free to do anything
you would if you were alive."
A few minutes later, the angel returned and clicked its fingers again. The statues looked a bit surprised, and the angel said, "I'm not really allowed to do this, but you looked so happy, I thought I'd come back and give you another fifteen minutes of life. Remember, you can do whatever you want." "Excellent! Let's do it again" said the boy statue, and the girl statue said, "only, this time, why don't we do it the other way round? YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL crap on its head."
The doctor said to the man, "I have bad news and worst news, which one you want to hear first?" The man said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor said to the man "I am sorry but after diagnosing you for the past month I discovered that you are suffering from a rare disease....and that you have only 24 hours left to live.." The man upon hearing this was shocked. Nevertheless he manage to compose himself and asked the doctor "What could possibly be WORST than that?" The doctor said "Oh, I've been trying to get you since yesterday."
These quotes were reportedly taken from actual year end performance evaluations:
- "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
- "I would like to go hunting with him something."
- "He has been working with glue too much."
- "He would argue with a signpost."
- "He has a knack of making strangers immediately."
- "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room."
- "He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company."
- "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
18 important things learned about life from action adventure films:
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When
people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which
12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
25 interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies... No wonder some people are intimidated by computers...
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See _7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY- MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. For example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. Ok, I just need to do a little enhancement. Yes, wow! The clue we needed! (yadda yadda)"
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with
Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
Q: Why did Jack die but Rose live?
Q: Why did Rose throw away the "Heart of the Ocean" at the
Q: Why did censors cut the nude scene?
Q: Why didn't Rose jump when she was teetering on the bow of the ship?
Q: Why didn't the lights go off on the deck when the engine rooms were
Q: Why didn't Rose win the Oscar for Best Actress?
A Chinese went to a bar to have some drinks. At the counter he sat next to a Jew who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a round of beer he sensed that this Jewish fellow was glaring at him. In a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the Jew.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The Jewish fellow ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you ##@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"I am not Japanese, you stupid nincompoop! I am an American...born and raised in San Francisco!"
"Yeah yeah yeah...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese,...you are all the same."
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the Jew sending him flat to the floor.
"What was that for?!!" exclaimed the Jew.
"That's for the sinking of the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.
"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the Jew.
"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Eisenberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg...you are all the same!"
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would
be better left unfilled:
5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning!?!
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."
And the woman replied, "Yes, go on tell me."
So the husband told her. "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."
So the wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."
The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."
A college professor had a few days off and decided to go to the zoo. He enjoyed looking at the varied wild-life as he wandered through the paths, and sat down by the monkeys to rest. He became very perplexed as he noticed that one monkey had a bowl of peanut, and would pull out a peanut, look at it, stuff it up his anus, take it out and eat it.
He watched the monkey do this until the entire bowl was empty.
Totally baffled, the Professor asked him how that could be? "Well," said the zoo-keeper, "last week that monkey ate a whole peach, and it hurt him so bad when the pit came out, that now he checks everything before he eats it to make sure it will fit!"
Once in America a plane got crashed, only a monkey who was travelling in the plane left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travellers doing?"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a male chauvinist, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
The Lighter Side of Marriage
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (a life sentence!!!)
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the string are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the women gets her Master.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
7. Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS"
9. Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends....You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
12. It's true; all men are born free and equal - but some of them get married
13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
15. Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries? Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.
16. There was a man who said "I never knew what happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late!"
17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
18. They say that when a man holds woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten
year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Just married scenario
7 years later
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one from the vestibule.
When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon about the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
The preacher said, "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"
The old man replied, "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat!"
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
Some Unix for you
% make fire
% why not?
% gotta light?
% How's my lovemaking?
% "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
% [Where is my brain?
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
% man: why did you get a divorce?
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
% cd /tmp
% rm meese-ethics
% ar m God
% make love
% sleep with me
% ^What is saccharine?
% drink <bottle; opener
% alias alias alias
% cat catfood
% cat "food in cans"
% nice man woman
% man pussy
% rm God
% ar r God
% Unmatched ".
% write desert
% man you
% scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"^J^D
* % look into "my eyes"
% make war
% mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages
% ar x "my love life"
% ar x "matey, the treasure"
% talk Comrade Khruchev
If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take
it down or put a reference to it's origin.
But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!
Last Updated: 02.06.05