Jokes page 4

 

"I think I have a problem, doc," says the patient, "one of my balls has turned blue".
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient dies if they don't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient, "how could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?", asks the doctor retorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed. But, two weeks after the operation, he comes back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?", asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor:
"I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go.
Of course, he does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?", asks the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry:
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?"
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says:
"Hm, I don't know, could it be the jeans?..."

###

DOUBLE VODKA
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

###

If IBM Made Toasters

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If SGI made toasters...
It would make the bread look like it was toasted. It could also transform rye to wheat and add whatever kind of
spread you could imagine, and it would slyly imply credit for making the loaf of bread in the first place.

If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft
toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

###

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

Well, squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

What? roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

Sir, answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

Bull! roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.

###

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

Yeah, Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

###

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

###

For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - Its an annual honour given to the persons who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1. In September in Detroit, a 41 year old man got stuck and drowned in 2 feet of water after squeezing himself head first through an 8 inch sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49 year old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200 foot high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, N.C.: A man died on a beach when an 8 foot deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. He was pronounced dead at hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was buglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could penetrate the flack vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with 4 bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. In September, a 7 year old boy fell off a 100 foot high bluff near Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22 calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinet in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyrai, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned down the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter stick of dynamite that blew up in t heir car. While driving around at 2am, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far -- In Betulia, Columbia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbitised. Said one participant, "its just one bull against a town of a thousand morons".

5. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents:

* Sherry Moeller incurred a head wound caused by flying masonry.
* Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face.
* Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue.
* Pamela Klesicks first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building where Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcorans teeth. Vegas was tossed around in his cab. The crash of the cab against the building made Klesick jump, tearing Corcorans gums with the cleaning pick. In shock, Corcoran bit down, severing two fingers from Klesicks hand. Meanwhile, Moeller was hit by a falling piece of the medical building.

6. TAOS, N.M. - A woman went to a poison control centre after eating three birth control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realised something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Centre, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

7. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma centre after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tiles, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that Mr Mendozas phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor."

8. Tacoma, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew of a person who had bunjee jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of linemans cable lay nearby.
One end of the cable was secured around Binghams leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fisherman. "all I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Binghams foot was never located.

9. Bremerton, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half gallon bottle of perfume at the d og. Thebottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was placed in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent 8 hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilise the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dogs teeth to the penis per-se is minimal. Its really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."

###

A guy walks into a pub and grabs a seat at the bar. It's kinda' busy, so the bartender comes by and ask "What can I get for you ?", the patron replys "whiskey!". The bartender sets him up and keeps on working. He slams down the shot and puts the glass down.

The bartender comes back and says "That'll be $4.25". "Oh NO!" replies the man. "You ask me what I wanted, I told you and you GAVE it to me, you said nothing about cost!" The bartender steps back in surprise and looks down the bar at the other customers. "He's right," explains one gentleman. "I'm a lawyer and he's got every right to refuse to pay under those circumstances!" Furious, the bartender says "Get the hell outta' my bar!!".

He leaves and the bartender takes the glass off the bar. As he turns back around to wipe off the counter, he is amazed to see this guy back at the bar. "I thought I just told you to get outta' here!!" "Oh no, it couldn't have been me." The bartender leans back,crosses his arms and says "Oh REALLY! Then you must have a double!!"

"THANKS" says the guy, "and give my lawyer friend one too!"

###

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

###

1st Lawyer : You're a fool
2nd Lawyer : And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other,can we now proceed with the case.

###

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

###

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. (Now, that's really hmm...)

###

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

###

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

###

Cannot decide who shall pay on a date???
Well....follow the guidelines below....

If HE's a guy with any interest in seeing her again:
HE pays. Period.

If HE's cheap:
HE asks her to split the bill.

If HE pays but SHE doesn't want to seem like a freeloader:
SHE offers to help, HE refuses, SHE says she'll get the drinks or coffee later.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's a nice person, and they're going to a good place:
SHE slips him the money before they get to the restaurant.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's nice, and they're going to a cheap place:
SHE pays.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not a nice person, and they're going to a good place:
SHE feigns indifference to the financial catastrophe that awaits him. He pays.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not nice, and they're going to a cheap place:
SHE suddenly realizes that SHE has to stay home and wash her hair...forever.

If SHE asked him out, it's his birthday, and they're in love:
SHE pays.

If SHE asked him out and it's not his birthday but HE knows what's good for him:
SHE starts to pay, HE protests, SHE gives in.

The pessimist cannot decide who shall pay the bill;
The optimist thinks the other party would pay;
and the realist would say, 'Oh! Gosh! I've forgotten my wallet.

###

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do.
Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has doen, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note :

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately return the check for $250 with the following note :

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

###

"Hello, I must say, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met."
"Thank you very much,"replied the woman. The guy quickly follows up,"I was wondering if you'll sleep with me for a million dollars."
"A million dollars!"the girl responds. She thinks for a moment and answers,"Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars."
"How about five bucks,"responds the guys.
"Five bucks,What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"We're already determined that,"he replies,"Now we are just negotiating the price."

###

There were two statues in the park - a boy statue and a girl statue. One day, an angel fluttered by and clicked its fingers. The statues came to life and the angel said, "I am the angel of the statues. I can bring you to life for only fifteen minutes and you are free to do anything you would if you were alive."
The boy and girl statues looked at each other.
"There's something we've been wanting to do for ages. Can we really do ANYTHING?" "Yes, anything! But you only have fifteen minutes." Not wanting to waste any more time, the boy grabbed the girl by the hand, they both jumped into a nearby bush, and there was a lot of giggling, thrashing and happy squealing. They both emerged, sweaty but very happy, and climbed onto their pedestals. The angel clicked its fingers and they both turned back into stone. They looked no different except they had slightly smiling faces. The angel flew off into the distance.

A few minutes later, the angel returned and clicked its fingers again. The statues looked a bit surprised, and the angel said, "I'm not really allowed to do this, but you looked so happy, I thought I'd come back and give you another fifteen minutes of life. Remember, you can do whatever you want." "Excellent! Let's do it again" said the boy statue, and the girl statue said, "only, this time, why don't we do it the other way round? YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL crap on its head."

###

The doctor said to the man, "I have bad news and worst news, which one you want to hear first?" The man said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor said to the man "I am sorry but after diagnosing you for the past month I discovered that you are suffering from a rare disease....and that you have only 24 hours left to live.." The man upon hearing this was shocked. Nevertheless he manage to compose himself and asked the doctor "What could possibly be WORST than that?" The doctor said "Oh, I've been trying to get you since yesterday."

###

These quotes were reportedly taken from actual year end performance evaluations:

- "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

- "I would like to go hunting with him something."

- "He has been working with glue too much."

- "He would argue with a signpost."

- "He has a knack of making strangers immediately."

- "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room."

- "He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company."

- "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

###

18 important things learned about life from action adventure films:

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be
tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).

12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

###

25 interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies... No wonder some people are intimidated by computers...

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See _7, above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY- MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. For example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. Ok, I just need to do a little enhancement. Yes, wow! The clue we needed! (yadda yadda)"

###

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

###

Q: Why did Jack die but Rose live?
A: (official) He loved her so he stayed in the icy water and let her stay on the floating debris with coat and life-jacket on.
A: (Unofficial) She had more fat than he.

Q: Why did Rose throw away the "Heart of the Ocean" at the end?
A: (official) As in all love stories, love is held far above any treasure on earth. The 'object' of love is returned to the 'love of her life', whose spirit lives on the bottom of the ocean.
A: (Unofficial) She finally realised that it's just plastic.

Q: Why did censors cut the nude scene?
A: (official) so the film would not have a RA rating.
A: (unofficial) the sketch was better than the original.

Q: Why didn't Rose jump when she was teetering on the bow of the ship?
A: (official) Jack persuaded her not to.
A: (unofficial) She was afraid that she'd smash her pretty face on the propeller. (Remember her excuse for leaning too far out that she slipped?)

Q: Why didn't the lights go off on the deck when the engine rooms were already flooded?
A: (official) coz there are back up generators/lights running on kerosene. A: (unofficial) because if lights go off, how to see the actions??? Then, where got Oscar???

Q: Why didn't Rose win the Oscar for Best Actress?
A: (official) Helen Hunt was more credible.
A: (Unofficial) Rose was too fat

###

A Chinese went to a bar to have some drinks. At the counter he sat next to a Jew who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a round of beer he sensed that this Jewish fellow was glaring at him. In a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the Jew.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The Jewish fellow ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you ##@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid nincompoop! I am an American...born and raised in San Francisco!"

"Yeah yeah yeah...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese,...you are all the same."

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the Jew sending him flat to the floor.

"What was that for?!!" exclaimed the Jew.

"That's for the sinking of the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.

"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the Jew.

"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Eisenberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg...you are all the same!"

###

THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
"would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

###

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning!?!

###

An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

And the woman replied, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband told her. "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

So the wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

###

A college professor had a few days off and decided to go to the zoo. He enjoyed looking at the varied wild-life as he wandered through the paths, and sat down by the monkeys to rest. He became very perplexed as he noticed that one monkey had a bowl of peanut, and would pull out a peanut, look at it, stuff it up his anus, take it out and eat it.

He watched the monkey do this until the entire bowl was empty.
Being rather upset and confused about what he had witnessed, he went up to the offices, and asked to speak with the zoo-keeper.
When he was led into the keeper's office, he told him that something was definitely wrong with one of his monkeys.
After he related what he had seen, the keeper gravely nodded his head and said that the monkey he had seen was the smartest animal in the zoo.

Totally baffled, the Professor asked him how that could be? "Well," said the zoo-keeper, "last week that monkey ate a whole peach, and it hurt him so bad when the pit came out, that now he checks everything before he eats it to make sure it will fit!"

###

Once in America a plane got crashed, only a monkey who was travelling in the plane left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travellers doing?"
Monkey : "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the airhostresses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Goodmorning!" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travellers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the airhostresses were doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travellers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travellers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the airhostresses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: " Nothing"
Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travellers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the airhostresses doing?"
Monkey: "Kissing the pilots"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Responding"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"

###

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a male chauvinist, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."

###

The Lighter Side of Marriage

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (a life sentence!!!)

2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the string are attached.

3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the women gets her Master.

5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

6. Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

7. Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS"
- The Engagement Ring
-The Wedding Ring
-The Suffe-Ring
-The Endu-Ring

9. Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
-in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
-in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
-in the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends....You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

12. It's true; all men are born free and equal - but some of them get married

13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

15. Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.

Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries? Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.

16. There was a man who said "I never knew what happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late!"

17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

18. They say that when a man holds woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20. There was this lover who told his love that he would go through hell for her. They got married - and now he is going through Hell!!

###

Pre-marital scenario
Before a man is married whenever he comes home and presses the bell, the dog will run to the door and bark.

Just married scenario
When a man is newly married, when he presses the bell, his wife will run to the door and the dog will bark.

7 years later
When he presses the bell, the dog will run to the door and the wife will bark!

###

Real Definitions

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Acute Alcoholic:
an attractive drunk.

Adolescence:
the age between puberty and adultery.

Adultery:
when a husband is too good to be true.

Alcoholic:
a person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Alimony:
the high cost of leaving.

Artificial Insemination:
copulation without representation.

Automated:
a couple making love in a car.

Avalanche:
a mountain getting its rocks off.

Brothel:
Home is Where the Tart is.

Calculated Risk:
a computer date with a girl who doesn't take the pill.

Castration:
a eunuch experience.

Censor:
one who sticks his no's into other people business.

Chivalry:
a man's inclination to save a woman from everyone but himself.

Clear Conscience:
poor memory.

Cobra:
bra worn by Siamese twins.

Compulsive Gambler:
a guy who would rather lay a bet.

Condominium:
a condom for midgets.

Contraceptive:
a labor saving device to be worn on every conceivable occasion.

Conversation Piece:
a girl who likes to talk in bed.

###

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one from the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon about the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

The preacher said, "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

The old man replied, "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat!"

###

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.

###

Some Unix for you

% make fire
Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.

% why not?
No match.

% gotta light?
No match.

% !1984
1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)

% How's my lovemaking?
Unmatched '.

% "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% [Where is my brain?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

% cd /tmp
% touch this; chmod 000 this
% ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
% U this
U: cannot touch this: no write permission

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

% alias alias alias
alias: Too dangerous to alias that.

% cat catfood
cat: cannot open catfood

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% man pussy
No manual entry for pussy.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".

% write desert
desert is not logged on.

% man you
No manual entry for you.

% !bluemoon
bluemoon: Event not found.

% scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"^J^D
"Arnold Schwarzopaws too slippery

* % look into "my eyes"
* look: cannot open my eyes

% lost
lost: not found

% make war
Make: Don't know how to make war. Stop.

% mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory

%touch me
%chmod 000 me
%touch me
touch: cannot touch me: permission denied

% ar x "my love life"
ar: my love life does not exist

% ar x "matey, the treasure"
ar: matey, the tresure does not exist


% talk Gorvachev@Kremlin
talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address.

% talk Comrade Khruchev
[Your party is not logged on]


 

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05