Jokes page 3

 

Bumper stickers:

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Keep honking...I'm reloading.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

* No radio - Already stolen.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Caution: I drive like you do.

###

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.
Man : That's not so bad, whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man : OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

Man : Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

Man : That looks worse, got anything left?

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

Man : Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.

Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want.
Man : Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

###

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning firepit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss the soul to one side in a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "They are from Vancouver; they're too wet to burn!"

(For those of you unfamiliar with Vancouver, it gets an extraordinary amount of rainfall, known to have one or two truly hot sunny days per summer season.)

###

Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

Q: How many ATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the house when it rebuffs them.
A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.

###

"Apparently the streets of Paris are aligned with trees because the Germans love to parade in the shade."

###

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man.

"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

###

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT..... Two days later...

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

###

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.

###

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment..."

###

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer -- went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

###

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
A: One, but he's never around when you need him.
A: Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."

This just in...

Q. How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.

###

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole.
He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

###

A man is having a drink at the bar when he notices a drunk guy passed out near by. The bartender tells him that he is Mr. Johnson and asks if he could drive him home explaining that he only lives a block away. The man, being a good fellow agrees to take him home. The man tries to wake Mr. Johnson but he is very drunk and falls out of his chair on the floor. He takes Mr. Johnson's arm and drags him to the car and leans him up against the side while he looks for his keys. Mr. Johnson falls over again and he is dragged into the car.
Once at his home the man struggles to drag Mr. Johnson to his door. At the door Mrs. Johnson greets them and says,"it was nice to offer to drive him home. But where's his wheelchair?"

###

Q: How many homeowners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

###

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

###

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it`s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let`s go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"

The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don`t want those guys sleeping with your mom when I`m gone."

###

Q: How many Deadheads* does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-one to do it, four to tape it, and four to sell homemade tie- dye clothing, pottery, and drugs out in the parking lot.

*Grateful Dead fans

###

Three mothers were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the first one, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the other mother, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the third mother. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

###

On the street, a reporter was asking three pedestrians with the same question, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the food shortage in Iraq?".

The first person, a Swiss, "Shortage? What is that?"

The second, an Albanian, "Opinion? What is an opinion?"

The third, a Singaporean, "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"

###

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

###

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

###

It's about an American tourist and a Thai guide in Thailand. American: "What do you do with the seafood garbage?"

Thai: "Throw away."

American: "In my country, we will make the snack and sell them in Thailand."

Thai: "...."

American: "What do you do with the used tires?"

Thai: "Throw away too."

American: "In my country, we will make the condoms and sell in Thailand. Hahaha..."

Thai: "...Let me ask you a question, what do you do with the used condoms?"

American: "Surely, we throw them away."

Thai: "In my country, we use them to make chewing gum and sell in America."

###

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

###

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your
recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant
winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

###

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday. A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is standing behind the counter and he asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers. The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and cannot see the rod your're referring to. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it, since I can tell from the sound it makes".

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter. He belts out, "'That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

"Wow!"

She finds another and does the same. "That's an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed, the lady decides to buy the second one. As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

The salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS?! YOU SAID $20!!"

"That's right ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call (the fart sound), and $2 for the fish bait (the smell of course!)."

###

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot
schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.""

###

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door,and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps dop poop all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaningup that dog poop, I'll eat every bit of it.".
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?".
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?".
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet.".

###

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

###

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's scared to death to cough."

###

There was this company which promote and sells Encylopedia. Every year the company would list out the best salesman. This year, the company listed out 3 salesmen and so the manager decided to find out from the 3 of them about their tactics in selling the Encylopedia.

When the first salesman came in, the manager asked:" How did you managed to sell the Encylopedia to most of your customer?"

"Oh, that's simple. I just asked my customer saying, "Auntie, do you want your childen to look like me? Highly educated and earn a lot of money? Then buy it and he'll defintely be like me" said the first salesman, well-dressed with a tie and neatly combed hair. The manager nodded his head with a smile.

Then came the second salesman with crumpled shirt and pants and looked real messy. The manager asked again, " How did you managed to sell your Encylopedia to almost all the customers that you met?" "No big deal! Very easy!" replied the second salesman in Hokkien. "I just told my customers that because I had very little education and got no money to buy this kind of books to read, I end up looking like this (pointing at himself), with a job that requires me to travel here and there, selling things from door to door, regardless of the weather." Again, the manager nodded with a smile.

When the third guy came in, the manager, really curious this time, asked the question:" Tell me, how did you managed to sell the encylopedia to ALL the customer that you met?"

"Ve..ve..r..ry si..i..im..ple, I..I..I s..s..said, "An..an...tie, iiif you..you..you do..o..on't want to..to..too bu..y..yee, ne..ne..ver mind, I... I... I... ca..a..an re..read it.it to..o..to you."

###

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

###

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

###

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

###

Many years ago, a Japanese auto manufacturer developed a groundbreaking design but had run out of ideas for names.
One of the employees remembered an ad in a trade magazine regarding a gentleman in Germany who had been responsible for naming many cars for Volkswagen, Mercedes Benz, and BMW.
The manager of the auto plant put in a call to the gentleman and described their new car.
The German expert told him that these things took time and he would have a name for him in about ten days.
The plant manager told him they were going into production in one week and needed the name before that.
The expert replied: "Ach, Dat Soon?"
The plant manager was thrilled.

###

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."

###

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

###

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to another Blonde?"

###

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, then peers over at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later betrayed and handed over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

As St.Peter smiles broadly with delight, the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

###

Playing Trivial Pursuit one night with a blonde:

It was her turn and she rolled the dice and landed on "Science and Nature." Her question: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Another one...

There were a blonde and a brunette driving and the brunette goes to the blonde, "Go check my blinker! Does it work?"
Blonde: "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No"

###

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

###

Women's dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

###

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.

The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.

The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."

###

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

###

At the supermarket

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

###

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. Don't worry, lady,"he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

###

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget

###

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

###

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

###

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

###

Two Hydrogens walk into a bar. The first one says, "Oh No, I lost an electron!"
The second one says, "Are you sure?"
The first one says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

###

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

###

Men's dictionary

What men really mean when they say.....

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "YES, DEAR"
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." This BETTER not be true!!!

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

###

TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage
night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."

###

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

"Dam".

###

Answering machines

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.


--beep--


A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.


--beep--


Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


--beep--


(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.


--beep--


"Hi. Now you say something."


--beep--


"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the


--beep--


"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"


--beep--


He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!


--beep--


"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."


--beep--


"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'


--beep--


"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."


--beep--


"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."


--beep--


"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."


--beep--


"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."


--beep--


"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."


--beep--


"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."


--beep--


"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."


--beep--


Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


--beep--


Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

###

A new recruit wanted to have a cup of tea. So he dialed the number of the pantry but got the wrong one. When someone picked the phone he said;
"Please send me a cup of tea".
"Do you know whom you are talking to?" the other side asked.
"No." he replied.
"You are talking to the director of this company." the other side replied.
Then our friend asked, "Do you know who is talking on this side ?"
"No" the other side replied.
"Thanks" and he quickly put the phone down.

###

A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it. "Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'ld like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."
The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"

###

25 interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies...

1.Word processors never display a cursor.

2.You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3.All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

4.High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have
easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

(Ed's note: reference 14 year old girl in Jurassic Park ' Oh good it's a UNIX system. UNIX is easy. !!??)

5.Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6.Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7.Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause
temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and
monitors.

8.All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's
turned off.

9.Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also
emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

10.All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are
indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)

11.People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12.A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13.Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14.Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the
movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

15.When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16.If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.

17.If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

18.No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
(Ed's note: even Alien computers, as per Independance Day. The producers of this movie obviously have never
tried to connect an Apple Laptop with a PC, never mind an Alien supercomputer.)

19.The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

20.Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic
animated graphics capability.

21.Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY- MP.

22.Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

23.Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes
under stress.

24.Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

25.Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you
want to. For example:
"What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon!"
"Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. No, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare).
Let's check the closet shelves..."

(Ed's note: this is a X-Files speciality. Not only can they enhance a single pixel to a portrait, but they also get very good likenesses of physic projections, ghosts, and other phenomena.)

 

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05