Jokes page 3
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Keep honking...I'm reloading.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Caution: I drive like you do.
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your
own personal hell.
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man : Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man : That looks worse, got anything left?
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man : Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want.
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning firepit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss the soul to one side in a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "They are from Vancouver; they're too wet to burn!"
(For those of you unfamiliar with Vancouver, it gets an extraordinary amount of rainfall, known to have one or two truly hot sunny days per summer season.)
Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: How many ATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Apparently the streets of Paris are aligned with trees because the Germans love to parade in the shade."
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT..... Two days later...
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked
to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer -- went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for
a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
This just in...
Q. How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
A man is having a drink at the bar when he notices a drunk guy passed
out near by. The bartender tells him that he is Mr. Johnson and asks if
he could drive him home explaining that he only lives a block away. The
man, being a good fellow agrees to take him home. The man tries to wake
Mr. Johnson but he is very drunk and falls out of his chair on the floor.
He takes Mr. Johnson's arm and drags him to the car and leans him up against
the side while he looks for his keys. Mr. Johnson falls over again and
he is dragged into the car.
Q: How many homeowners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.
"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.
"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.
"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.
"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."
Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".
"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it`s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let`s go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS.
Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"
The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don`t want those guys sleeping with your mom when I`m gone."
Q: How many Deadheads* does it take to screw in a light bulb?
*Grateful Dead fans
Three mothers were discussing when life begins.
"We believe," said the other mother, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
"You've both got it wrong," said the third mother. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."
On the street, a reporter was asking three pedestrians with the same question, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the food shortage in Iraq?".
The first person, a Swiss, "Shortage? What is that?"
The second, an Albanian, "Opinion? What is an opinion?"
The third, a Singaporean, "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,"
says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
It's about an American tourist and a Thai guide in Thailand. American: "What do you do with the seafood garbage?"
Thai: "Throw away."
American: "In my country, we will make the snack and sell them in Thailand."
American: "What do you do with the used tires?"
Thai: "Throw away too."
American: "In my country, we will make the condoms and sell in Thailand. Hahaha..."
Thai: "...Let me ask you a question, what do you do with the used condoms?"
American: "Surely, we throw them away."
Thai: "In my country, we use them to make chewing gum and sell in America."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative
for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This
is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday. A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is standing behind the counter and he asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers. The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and cannot see the rod your're referring to. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it, since I can tell from the sound it makes".
The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter. He belts out, "'That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."
She finds another and does the same. "That's an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."
Very impressed, the lady decides to buy the second one. As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.
The salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS?! YOU SAID $20!!"
"That's right ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call (the fart sound), and $2 for the fish bait (the smell of course!)."
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything
there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss
liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come
and see you when we close up."
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door,and before
she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps dop poop all
over the carpet.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's scared to death to cough."
There was this company which promote and sells Encylopedia. Every year the company would list out the best salesman. This year, the company listed out 3 salesmen and so the manager decided to find out from the 3 of them about their tactics in selling the Encylopedia.
When the first salesman came in, the manager asked:" How did you managed to sell the Encylopedia to most of your customer?"
"Oh, that's simple. I just asked my customer saying, "Auntie, do you want your childen to look like me? Highly educated and earn a lot of money? Then buy it and he'll defintely be like me" said the first salesman, well-dressed with a tie and neatly combed hair. The manager nodded his head with a smile.
Then came the second salesman with crumpled shirt and pants and looked real messy. The manager asked again, " How did you managed to sell your Encylopedia to almost all the customers that you met?" "No big deal! Very easy!" replied the second salesman in Hokkien. "I just told my customers that because I had very little education and got no money to buy this kind of books to read, I end up looking like this (pointing at himself), with a job that requires me to travel here and there, selling things from door to door, regardless of the weather." Again, the manager nodded with a smile.
When the third guy came in, the manager, really curious this time, asked the question:" Tell me, how did you managed to sell the encylopedia to ALL the customer that you met?"
"Ve..ve..r..ry si..i..im..ple, I..I..I s..s..said, "An..an...tie, iiif you..you..you do..o..on't want to..to..too bu..y..yee, ne..ne..ver mind, I... I... I... ca..a..an re..read it.it to..o..to you."
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because
you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.
But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Many years ago, a Japanese auto manufacturer developed a groundbreaking
design but had run out of ideas for names.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese
restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building
with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided
to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed
a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to another Blonde?"
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, then peers over at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later betrayed and handed over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
As St.Peter smiles broadly with delight, the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Playing Trivial Pursuit one night with a blonde:
It was her turn and she rolled the dice and landed on "Science and Nature." Her question: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
There were a blonde and a brunette driving and the brunette goes to the
blonde, "Go check my blinker! Does it work?"
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
Park (park) v./n.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.
The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie
that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the
genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
At the supermarket
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. Don't worry, lady,"he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Two Hydrogens walk into a bar. The first one says, "Oh No, I lost
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
What men really mean when they say.....
"It's a guy thing."
"Can I help with dinner?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "YES, DEAR"
"It would take too long to explain."
"We're going to be late."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
"That's interesting, dear."
"That's women's work."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"I can't find it."
"What did I do this time?"
"I heard you."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
"You look terrific."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"We share the housework."
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
A new recruit wanted to have a cup of tea. So he dialed the number of
the pantry but got the wrong one. When someone picked the phone he said;
A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it. "Hello,"
a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'ld like me to
push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body
all over and make rough love to you."
25 interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies...
1.Word processors never display a cursor.
2.You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3.All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4.High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, have
(Ed's note: reference 14 year old girl in Jurassic Park ' Oh good it's a UNIX system. UNIX is easy. !!??)
5.Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6.Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7.Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause
8.All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer, even if it's
9.Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen
changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that
it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also
10.All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath
the surface. Malfunctions are
11.People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12.A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13.Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14.Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished
in under three seconds. In the
15.When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16.If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.
17.If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18.No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any
system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer
19.The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20.Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional,
21.Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY- MP.
22.Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23.Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans
operating computers never make mistakes
24.Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25.Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom
into any picture as far as you
(Ed's note: this is a X-Files speciality. Not only can they enhance a
single pixel to a portrait, but they also get very good likenesses of
physic projections, ghosts, and other phenomena.)
If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take
it down or put a reference to it's origin.
But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!
Last Updated: 02.06.05