Jokes page 2

 

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in the tent. Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"
"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"No Watson, it's simplier ; it just means somebody has stolen our tent!"

###

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two accountants, he says, "At KPMG, we are trained to be extremely thorough".
The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Arthur Andersen, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient". The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "At Price Waterhouse, we learn not to piss on our hands."

###

Pity us men
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Submitted by: Maira

###

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
CLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
FLATUENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

###

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge. (<- Der ist zwar irgendwie etwas fies aber irgendwie finde ich ihn doch gut!)

###

The Rabbi is one day for a visit at the Popes place. While the're talking the Pope say's, that he has a direct Line to the Lord.
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Alright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.
After the Pope insist, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

###

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground.
Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground.
Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either!
The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers!
Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

###

NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

###

Installing new software
How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

+---------+ +-----------+
| YES | | SURE |
+---------+ +-----------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored.
You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately swear, like this:
*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through
12.
And so that's the easy way to install software...

###

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

###

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

###

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!
He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

###

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet.
David frightened that he might have hurt the bird quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

###

Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist, After a time, a bird came winging overhead.
The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?

###

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,
"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meet him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles".

###

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would evenjust come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment.
He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

###

Whitehouse press spokeswoman Joan Braithwaite has delivered the following statement to media regarding accusation involving impropriety between President Clinton and Miss Lewinsky:
The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against such claims. However the President would like to state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent incident has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to undermine his administration.
Mr Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing as his zipper got stuck. Because Mr Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky.
In the course of assisting Mr Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the zipper. For medical reasons Mr Clinton has been advised to wear no undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr Clinton's penis may have fallen out of his trousers.
As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr Clinton to be seen with his penis hanging out, she took the presidential penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should anyone enter the room. Mr Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of her face so she could properly visualize his fly.
It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr Clinton's fly, and it was during this time that another staff member entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the situation.
Mr Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky. He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.

###

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realised was that all his hats was gone. Then he heard some monkeys sound on top of the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down.
He think and think and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realised that the monkeys were doing the same action.
Next, he took down his own hat and fan himself and the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey thing from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, very hot, took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
Again, when he woke up, he realised that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realised that the monkeys had taken all his hats.
Remember what his grandfather had told him, he start scratching his head and the monkeys follows.
He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.
Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grap the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think only you have grandfather meh........"

###

The junior high school principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. So he spoke to the teachers and asked them for their help.
They promised they would speak to the girls, but after two weeks, the sitiation didn't improve at all. He even called a few of the girls parents who were his friends for their advice, but to no avail.
The mirrors were constantly a mess.
Finally he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors.
You could see the young girls smiling at each other, all nodding publicly but smirking to one another.
The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors.
The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

###

Windows 2000

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
Please log off."

11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

###

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

###

Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, please leave a message." Well here are some novel new messages for you to try. It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering...

1) Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money

2)"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

3) "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

4) The College Special.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

5) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

6) "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

7)"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

8) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in
the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

###

What you learn from the Godzilla movie:

1. Fighter pilots have poor aiming, miss such a big target.

2. Helicopter pilots has no brains. While being chased by Godzilla, they fly zigzag around the building instead of flying upwards where the Godzilla can't reach.

3. The commander has no brains too. They have thousand of helicopters flying over the city at first but only has 3 to attack it when it appears.

4. You can start a car using a knife.

5. Godzilla take less than 5 min to catch up with a helicopter but take forever to catch a cab.

6. Cab are invincible.

7. Pharmacy is open during time of crisis.

8. Bridge can withstand the weight of a Godzilla.

9. Chewing gum makes you look like American. (No wonder they ban it in Singapore)

10. All Godzilla egg hatches at the same time except 1, which cannot be destroy by missile and will only hatch when the show ends.

Q: What is the diffrent between a Godzilla and a T-rex? A: Only the size. (No wonder they say "Size does matter")

###

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238.
The man decided to give it a try and called the number.

A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds. "The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Ten more pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 10 pounds! "This is fantastic!" He thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed.

"Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this huge gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to have you."

###

The Federation Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the govern- ment plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one very time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures)
"Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting.
Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

###

Proper Way to Use English

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:

Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: Sorlee, No Stock!

Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, eh who page me aaah?

When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam, hor! or ExSkews!

When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No-nid. (no need)

When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?

When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao!

When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!

When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?

When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Doe-waaaan. (don't want)

When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: So how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about Dickens.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (you mad, ha?)

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh kao bu, lah! (Don't cry father/mother)

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (See what?)

###

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say
my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and
deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was
an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his
family." After going on in this vein for a time, he concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

###

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI
agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.

###

Once upon a time in China, there was a wedding dinner. The dinner occupies only half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some caucasian tourists. As the wedding couple hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of "GAN BEI" (meaning happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder. One caucasion gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him.

"GAN BEI"....................."GAN BEI".................."GAN BEI".........!!" the cheers continued.

Finally, the irritated caucasion couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted, "IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

###

A man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though...

"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.

"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation...

As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

"This is Havaii," the man replied.

"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm alllll-ways right!" As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

"You're Velcome!!!"

###

! TOP SECRET !

Windows 98 source code finally available ... but don't tell anyone.
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft? Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
Original Version date : Aug 1994
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL HARD

char make_prog_look_big(16000000);

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabytes_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFT_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed);
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu());
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", 0_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

/* Win98 boots faster, performs stronger, stays up longer with
VIAGRA.DLL */
--
Wind*ws95, n:
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

###

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than ..."

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not ..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.

"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."

###

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunatly, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpeter's level, assures himelf that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 2:37 PM, provided today is May the twenty-second, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

 

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05