Jokes page 1

 


A man has 17 parts that won't work.

He has:
10 nails that won't nail
2 tits that won't milk
2 balls that won't roll
1 ass that won't work
1 belly button that won't button
1 cock that won't crow

What are you laughing at?
Women got a pussy that can't catch mice!

###

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well. I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can Negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had.
This handjob was better that any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me. it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints-twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me to go all the way?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can sees Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon !! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I were really a Woman, I'd own that island!"

###

Women's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an jerk.

###

Why engineers make good husbands

Attention Women! Here are some reasons why you should choose an engineer for a husband over other professions.
Doctor
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely, he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

Lawyer
(a) You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. (b) An additional drawback is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

Sales
See honesty (a), under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally untrustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your engineer works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

Hazardous professions, such
as Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker, etc
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will like be crippled with a back injury, etc just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your engineer will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since he will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will be the only way he can see you. Also, when some beautiful girl walks by, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

Teacher
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

###

Three cowboys had wandered into hostile Indian territory and were captured.The chief told them,"I'm going to torture you each before killing you,and will use your skin to make a canoe.Now,I've decided to be generous and will grant you a wish each."
"What do you wish for?"he asked the first cowboy.
"A knife!"came the reply.So he was given a knife, with which the cowboy killed himself.
"Very brave,"said the chief."Now you,"he asked the second, "what do you wish for?"
The second cowboy asked for a knife too and he too, took his own life.
The chief asked the last cowboy,"Now it's your turn.What do you want?"
"A fork," replied the third cowboy calmly.
"A fork?" asked the chief amidst laughter from the other Indians. "Fine, a fork it is."
So the third cowboy took the fork and started to poke himself. "I hope your stupid canoe sinks!"

###

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

###

This here is the Redneck Guide to Computer Lingo.

Log on = Makin the woodstove hotter
Log off = Don't add no more wood
Monitor = Keepin an eye on that there woodstove
Download = Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
Megahertz = When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
Floppy disk = Wharcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM = That thar thang whut splits th farwood
ROM = Whut tastes grait when ya mix it with Coca-cola
Hard drive = Tryin to climb a steep hill in th winter taim
Prompt = Whut th mail ain't in th winter taim
Windows = Whut to shut when its cold outside
Screen = Whut to shut when its blak fly season
Bit = A wager, as in "I bit you cain't spit that watermelon seed across th porch longways"
Byte = Whut them dang flys do
Chip = Munchies fer th TV
Microchip = Whuts left in th munchie bag
Cursor = Wharcha do when yer mad at yer sister
Infrared = Whur th left over munchies go, Fred eats em
Modem = Wharcha did to the hay fields
Dot matrix = Ol Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop = Whur th kitty sleeps
Keyboard = Whur ya hang th dang keys
Hardware = Sunday clothes
Software = Them dang plastik forks and knifs
Mouse = Whut eats th grain in th barn
Mainframe = Holds up th barn ruf
Port = Fancy Flatlander Wine
Enter = Northern fer c'mon in y'all
Random access memory = When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.
Network = How ya git the fish in th boat after ya hook it
LAN = To borrow, as in "Hey Delbert, LAN me yore tuck!"
Packet = Wharcha do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag afore a trip
Reboot = Wharcha do when yer first pair a boots gits all muddy

###

A Mercedes limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Mini also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the Benz started bragging to the Mini owner that his was the best car that money could buy.
"This is the best car that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the Mini owner interrupted. "But do you have a video in there?"
The light changed at this point, and the Benz driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Kancil again. It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!).
"I installed a VCR in my car", said the businessman proudly.
The mini-man responded: "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

###

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says,"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

###

Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng went to a KTV lounge for a beer. When the Tiger draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. Ah Meng pushed his draft away in disgust. "Yuk, I cannot drink such a mess!" Ah Seng shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. Ah Beng was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"

###

What the Engineer says:
What it really means:

A number of different approaches are being tried.
We are still grasping at straws.

We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

Close project coordination
We know who to blame.

Major technological breathrough
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivere.

Preliminary operational tests were exesive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

Test results were extremely gratifying
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
The only person who understood the thing quit.

It is in process.
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

We'll look into it.
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

Please read and initial.
Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.

Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

Give us your interpretation.
I can't wait to hear this!

See me, or Let's Discuss
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

All new!
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

Rugged
Too heavy to lift!

Lightweight
Lighter than rugged.

Years of development
One finally worked.

Energy saving
Achieved when the power switch is off.

Low maintenance
Impossible to fix if broken.

###

Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng who were arrested in during the Japanese occupation time for smuggling. "We'll give you three a fair trial and shoot you tomorrow," said the "Capitan" of the guard. The three spent a restless night.

"But not to worry, friend" said Ah Meng. "I shall invoke the natural disaster plan. These Japanese are terrified of natural disaster. Just watch." so at dawn Ah Meng said he would face the firing squad first and the other two watched from their cell as the captain said "Ready... Aim..."
"Earthquake! Earthquake!" shouted Ah Meng at the top of his voice. The Japanese panicked and in the cofusion, the Ah Meng escaped.

Later Ah Seng was led to the stake and the captain said "Ready... Aim..." "Flood! Flood!" roared Ah Seng and in the confusion he escaped too.

Ah Beng had picked the drift of the plot. It was all a matter of timing, so he listened as the captain ordered "Ready... Aim..." "Fire!" yelled Ah Beng.

###

I get enough exercise from:

jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging my feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing my weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
pushing my luck,
shooting arrows from behind
and playing hide and seek.

###

Once, Ah Lian and Ah Huay who went to Westin Stamford for a dinner. It was on the 72nd floor. So they went up and had dinner. When they left, they stepped into the lift (only 2 of them). They scanned through the buttons and found that there was no 1st floor. So they panic. The Ah Huay said to take the stairs but the on her shouted in Hokkien, "You siao issit??" So, the one who didn't want to take the stairs thought of an idea. She pressed the "G" button on the lift and after a while, they found themselves on the 1st floor. So Ah Huay was suprised! She ask the one who pressed it "Wah, you smart one, how u know?? You so clever!!" Ah Lian replied, "Aiyah... so simple u also dunno!! "G" mah..."G" stand for gero loh...".

###

Phua Chu Kang walked into a bank at World Trade Centre and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Batam on business for two days and needed to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. Ah Kang then handed over the keys to his Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two days later Ah Kang returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a very rich contractor. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

Ah Kang replied: "Aiyah, where else in Singapore can I park my car for 2 days for 15 dollars, huh?"

###

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "How many were boys?"

A: "None."

Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

A: "I went to Europe, Sir."

Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

A: "By death."

Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?">

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."

Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

A: "I have been since early childhood?"

###

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again...

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

###

Due to lawsuits the following warnings are now required:

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"

On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as a substitute for human companionship.

On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3- handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

###

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY

1.SICKNESS
No excuse. We no longer accept doctor's statements as proof of illness, as we believe that if you're well enough to get to some doctor's office, you're well enough to get to YOUR office!

2.OPERATIONS
Not allowed. We discourage any thoughts you may have about needing some foolish operation. As long as you are employed here, you need all of everything you've got and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are now. To have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

3.RESTROOM PRIVILEGES
Still okay, but too much time is being spent in the restroom. Beginning immediately, we will all go to the restroom in alphabetical order. Those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 a.m. to 8:05 a.m., "B" will go from 8:05 to 8:10 a.m., etc. If you miss your assigned time, just wait until tomorrow.

4.DEATH
Acceptable excuse, but please give two weeks notice, so you can train someone to do your job.

###

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boys position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"

###

Usenet Debate: CD

Conversion for Use In Australia

People who read soc.culture.australian often have to answer a number of questions about our country. These vary from the practical (Will an American video recorder work with an Australian TV? What voltage is used in Australia? What side of the road to Australians drive on?) through to the curious (Does water really go down the plughole in the opposite direction? What does Vegemite taste like?), to the, well, fairly clueless.

Recently we had the following thread.

--

>From: XXXX:

I am coming to Australia for a 3 year stay. Should I bring my CD's to play on Aussie equipment?

>From: XXXX

You will need an American to Australian converter device.This is usually hard wired into the CD player by a reputable Australian tech.They are all familiar with the device. Just pop into any CD store and request the phone# of the nearest CD converter tech. It's usually only around $30 and you will not even know it had been done. You will be able to play not only US cds, and Australian, but as a bonus, European ones too!

Caution-do not try to play bootled CDs after the conversion, you will ruin the cd player.

>From: XXXX

Sorry about that last post-to play your US cds in Australia, they merely need to be passed thru a strong magnetic or x-ray field,such as you get at Customs. Be sure to pass each one thru separately, as bulk passage may leave the ones in the middle unplayable in Oz.

>From: XXXX

Well...this may gave worked for you, but I found that the only way the get 'em playing was to smear the shiny side with a very thin layer of vegemite. 'Course this makes the inside of your CD player rather sticky, so make sure you have lots of tissues.

>From: XXXX

Don't listen to them. To play American CDs in Australian CD players, you will need to regroove them. This is because Australian CDs have a different track-width (i.e. 10 ums instead of 5 ums). To do this you will need to buy some fine-grade sandpaper. Try to find some with a grain size of between 8 and 12 ums (micrometers for non-technical people). Put a piece of the sandpaper on a table with the rough side up. Now put your CD on the sandpaper and turn it slowly in a clockwise direction, pushing down hard.

Voila! (spit) - now you have Australian standard CDs.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy Australia.

>From: XXXX

No. That is completely wrong. Australian CDs are exactly the same as American ones except for the fact that the 'groove' goes in the opposite direction. That is whereas an American groove goes inwards as you go clockwise an Australian groove goes inwards as you go anti-clockwise. This is because Australian cars drive on the left and American cars drive on the right. If the groove direction was not reversed there would be parity problems with car CD players. Unfortunately, this means that you cannot play an American CD on Australian equipment.

>From: XXXX

You smartarse. Obviously this is nothing to do with the side of the road cars drive on. Do you seriously expect anyone to swallow that? Anyone with a brain knows that it's related to which direction water goes down the plughole in the Southern hemisphere. In other words in the US the cd rotates in a clockwise direction. In Australia it rotates anticlockwise. Of course this is also true if you play your cds in South America for example. This is actually quite neat because if you play your beatles cds in the Southern hemisphere you hear all this neat 'backwards masking' stuff about Paul being dead and taking marijuana. Also I heard that you hear all sorts of satanic stuff in other rock albums, but I'm not a fan myself. My question: has anyone done any experimets about playing cds at the equator or at the north pole? At the equator do your cds stop playing altogether. What about in a reduced gravity environment, like in a free faling elevator?

>From: XXXX

You're all a bunch of liars!!!!
In Australia the initials C.D. stand for Completely Dislexic which means that the bits are scattered at random all over the disc.. All Australian C.D. players are programmed to randomly search over the disc to find the right bit to play next. It is very unlikley that it could cope with a disc where all the bits were in order.I
would advise you to record your discs onto Hi-Fi video tape and connect an Australian VCR to a stereo system. Australian and American VCRs are definitely compatible.

>From: XXXX

I can't speak for a reduced gravity environment, but I can speak for the equator. It is interesting that you should bring it up, since many CD's simply do not spin at the equator (or near it actually). In Singapore (for instance) they had to ban a whole bunch of CDs or have them altered so that they would play correctly ('corse if they had a bit of vegemite their problems would be solved). Video tapes and books(!) seem to suffer the same fate their. Why don't books work properly at the equator? And I have another question: Short of smearing every page with vegemite, how do you get a northern hemisphere book to work properly in the southern hemisphere? (I'll be bringing some books home with me when I leave here, soI need to know).

Thanks in advance.

>From: XXXX

Re-your querey on playing CDs in reduced gravity, it is not widely known that on the last Space Shuttle mission it was decided to test the effects of playing a compact disc in zero gravity with disasterous results.

When the disc was played, instead of the disc spinning, the entire vehicle began to spin while the disc remained motionless, turning the entire spacecraft into a giant centrifuge, nearly crushing the astronauts to death before the commander was able to crawl to the machine and press the stop button.

It has been suggested by some at NASA (who have now been dismissed for discussing government secrets) that a compact disc was the cause of the destruction of the Space Shuttle Challenger in 1985. As you may recall, this was the first mission to take a civillian into space. To ease her mind during take-off it was decided to simulate an environment of Earth similar to that of take-off pressure so they decided to play a CD of elevator music to give her the feeling that she was riding up in the lift at her local shopping centre. The craft could not cope with the enormous centrifugal force generated by the spinning disc and broke apart approximately 1 minute after take-off. It was decided to cover up their gross negligence by saying that the o-ring seals in the booster rockets were faulty. All this is absolutely true or my name is not Ronald Reagan.

>From: XXXX

This is a complete load of crap, and probably a troll. The 'Borealis Effect' (or 'Australis' in the sourthern hemisphere) could in no way overcome the power of the motor in a cd player. Besides, the 'groove' went out in the 60's (70's?). I'm no electrical engineer, but I'm guessing that any backward playing effect is due to the 220v power conversion (which would show up on euro equipment as well) or the reverse polarity down under.

As for the gravity-free environment, who gives a shi*t? I think the astronauts have their hands full anyway, and probably can get good FM reception from any station on earth if they need music to dance by...

Some people are so clueless!

>From: XXXX

Since the Earth rotates in the opposite direction in the Southern Hemisphere, the AC power there is supplied 180 degrees out of phase with ours. Thus your CD should work just fine, although some audio purists insist on a motor-generator set to supply "American" electricity and then determine the phasing themselves.

>From: XXXX

At the equator, the cd's stop rotating, so the cd players there must rotate the laser about the stationary cd. The units are very expensive.

By contrast, at the north pole, cd players are very cheap. This is because neither the laser or the cd require a motor to provide rotational energy; the cd is placed precisely on the north pole, tied to the firmament so that it doesn't spin , while the laser is fixed to the earth, slightly off-center, and the earth provides the rotation.

>What about in a reduced gravity environment, like in a free faling elevator?

The cd's are virtually weightless, so they can be very massive and yet consumers will have little difficulty operating them. I hope that answers your question.

>From: XXXX

I'm glad you brought this up. The variation of the Coriolis force with latitude (zero at equator, max at north pole, min at south pole), gives rise to the so-called beta effect. Basically what happens is that when a clockwise-spinning object, in the northern hemisphere, moves north it speeds up, when it moves south it slows down. I've conducted experiments whilst driving my car here in Boston: if I head north on route 93 at 75 mph with Kylie's "Locomotion" on the CD player, the pitch of her voice goes higher, but you have to be going pretty fast to notice this. Heading west or east this doesn't happen. To the original poster, if you do find you're having trouble with the Coriolis force adversely affecting your US cd's in Australia, try turning the cd player upside-down.

>From: XXXX

No,no,no...................please dont confuse the Coriols effect with the Doppler effect-the two are quite unrelated, and the Doppler effect is ALMOST unnoticeable, when playing out-of-area CDs, or even records.

The effect was most noticeable on 78's,but that's now academic.

BTW,I am able to offer the conversion at only 75cents (us), if done in bulk. E-mail for quotes.

>From: XXXX

No if regrooved in the N Hemisphere the must be spun counterclockwise, remember Aussie turntables etc spin the opposite way, ps Marmite works as well as Vegimite.

>From: XXXX

No, American compact discs will only work if you drive on the right-hand side of the road.

But I wouldn't expect an aol.com user to know these things.

###

Things That Would Be Different If Microsoft Started to Build Cars

1.A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year - instead of before it.

2.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3.Occasionally your car would just die for no reason and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.

3a Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail to restart, and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason you'd just accept this too.

3b But that wouldn't work, so you'd have to take the engine out, do nothing to it, then put it back in again.

4.You could only have one person in the car at a
time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT".
But then you'd have to buy extra seats.

5.Sun Motor Systems would make a car powered by
the sun, twice as reliable and five times as fast -
but it would only run on 5% of the roads.

6.The oil, petrol, brakes and battery warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning lamp.

7.People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

8.We would all have to switch to Microsoft petrol.

9.The government would be getting subsidies from car manufacturers instead of giving them.

10.New seats would force everyone to have the same size arse.

11.Before going off, the air bag system would say "Are you sure?"

12.The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you would need to memorise the keyboard shortcut for "Brake".

13.For some reason the engine controller would need a 1Gbyte hard disc and would take about 5 minutes to boot up.

14.They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with the engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Ford Anglia parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15.Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry,Fail?"

16.You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.

17.The speedometer would read 70 even though you were only doing 50.

18.They would make a flashy, convertable model - where, if you raised the top, the engine would overheat.

19.Every time you carried a new passenger you would have to alter the car's configuration settings. When the passenger alights, these configurations would remain in place.

###

This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

###

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective

I.There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II.Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under
the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now
talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops
or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 25 miles per hour.
III.The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them ---
Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV.600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating 20 deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating
from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V.Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas!

###

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my
thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?

Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have
falled deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boy friend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will
love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a
concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphilis and there is no colored man in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in history and an 'F' in science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Trish

###

An X-Files Christmas

Bethlehem, Pa. 11:51 p.m., December 24th.

"We're too late! It's already been here."

"Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."

"Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care."

"You really think someone's been here?"

"Someone, or something."

"Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake."

"Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."

"It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"

"It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."

"Who? What are you talking about?"

"Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."

"But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?"

"Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through
this plate of cookies was massive--and in a hurry."

"It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained."

"It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."

"But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"

"Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."

"But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced
entry."

"Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."

"Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney,
you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there."

"But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"

"You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"

"Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father."

"Impossible."

"I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!"

"I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some
supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files."

"Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."

"But we have no proof."

"Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven
states. The White House ordered a Condition Red."

"But that was a meteor shower."

"Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody--not even the zookeeper--was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half
its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night."

"Mulder, I--"

"Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"

"On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter."

"The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."

###

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on ten percent to begin with, telling the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to twenty percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to fifty and finally one hundred percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

###

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30,the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back,amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

###

A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.."
She poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good Lord almighty". The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to
"... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins... "the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".
The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child"?
The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".

###

A Singaporean crashes his car. He leaps out of the car crying "My Mercedes, My Mercedes".
A passerby rushes up, asking in amazement "but how can you be concerned about your car, your arm has been ripped off!" The Singaporean looks down; "My Rolex, my Rolex"

 

 

 

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05